Laguna Beach, Bitches

Just so you know where I stand on things during the final reckoning, I hate Laguna Beach and everyone associated with it. Yes, even if you’re a gaffer on that show I hate your guts. Secondarily, I wish someone would shove a splintered broomstick up the ass of every bitch on My Super Sweet 16. There is a reason I don’t hate everyone associated with My Super Sweet 16, though. After watching a few episodes, I can confidently say that every behind-the-scenes person hates those bitches as much as I do, and they go to great lengths to show them being spoiled, nasty, shit-eating asshats that they truly are. In every single episode I saw, I’d wish around 10-15 minutes in that a brick would come flying into frame from off-camera and split the bitch’s head open down to the brain. As in, I wish I could see them get hit by a car and explode. I wish they’d walk into a jet engine and get sprayed out the back in 100 million bloody pieces. As in, if I still worked at the Concourse I’d probably have to drive her and her bitch parents down to Langdon Street for the grand total tip of $1 and a condescending glare. Jesus I hate those bitches.

40 thoughts on “Laguna Beach, Bitches

  1. I made $2 one time taking one of those bitches and her parents down to Langdon, but I think it was only cause the bills were stuck together.

  2. My favorite trick at the hotel was when a totally strong business man would indignantly ask for someone to carry his bag up for him. I would walk out and grab his suitcase and he’d start to protest. I’d say, no, I insist. He’d be totally embarassed. Ha.

  3. yes, everyone behind the scenes at super sweet 16 is out to make the girls look stupid… that is what the show IS. MTV is trying to convince people that you should have to work to obtain the goods and services they push on america the other 23.5 hours of the day. the show is MEANT to make you mad at them… it’s propeganda. lets look at these girls though… they can throw a $500k party and not care, and what do they do? just that, and then the audience is expected to be mad at them because they don’t care? come on. don’t hate the player, hate the game. capitalism CREATES these monsters… they don’t have a choice, and i will not fall for your propeganda MTV… these girls should not be punished, or hated… they are a biproduct of a system that your station completely revolves around. now excuse me, cribs is on.

  4. 100 man pot limit omaha hi/lo tourney last night… 3 people left. 50k,50k,50k, i am the chip leader and also in last place. that sentance was unneccessary, but true. i have AQQ6, and the blinds are 2k,4k. i make it 14k raising the pot on the button. i get called. flop 55T. PERFECT flop. there will likely be no low, i likely have the best hand right now, and my opponent can likely not call an all in bet. sweet sweet sweet, all izzzzzin. he calls. WITH 2349!! they only way this dude can win is if the turn and river are 22,33,44,88,A3,36…. THATS IT. he can only win with runner runner. i’m like 99% favorite. turn 3. worst turn ever, because as you can see half of the combinations he needs include a 3. shit. river 6 and he scoops the hi, the lo, and the tourney. i got $125 for 3rd. if that bullshit didn’t happen i would have 100k vs 50k heads up for $400 for 1st. sometimes poker feels like laguna beach.

  5. actually i would have had 104K vs 46k. even more bullshit. if i would have won i would have thrown a super sweet 27 party. now i don’t have enough money to do so.

  6. GRRRR. first hand of $20 multi. QQ in BB. small blinds makes it 100 after 6 limpers. i’ll just call and hope he has KK or AA and bust him if the Q comes. flop Q88. he bets the pot, i go all in. he calls. he has AA…. A river. BS BS BS. poker is rigged.

  7. RE: scientist excusing spoiled bitch behavior

    Sorry sceizzer, but I’m not accepting that. If you want argue on the level of different types of society that capitalism encourages rich people to spend outlandish amounts of money on parties that could be furnished with some beads and a half barrel of High Life then fine, I’m all for it. Furthermore, MTV is perfectly within their rights to make a show that people will love to hate. Fine. But this hate the game bullshit? Uh-uh, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the customer service business it’s this: there are nice rich people, and there are asshole rich people. There are also nice and asshole poor people. People who think they are have no need to be nice to other people, wherther rich or poor, should be brained with a fucking shovel; preferably one recently used in elephant manue management (so they get elephant shit in their open head wounds, you see.) It only makes it all the worse that these are kids who have no fucking clue what the real world is like. Their innocence should absolve them, but instead it enrages you that some parent, somewhere, thought it would be fine to reinforce behavior like that.

  8. I agree with Zach. Being raised by your parents to be an asshole doesn’t make it okay to be one. There was a great article in The Onion a couple years ago entitled “Local Asshole Proud of Asshole Son.” It totally reminded me of most of the easties that go to school at UW.

  9. why should a rich person be nice to a poor person, other than just to be nice? that is the problem with the system, you CANT expect them to be nice, because you already are assuming that assholes exist no matter what. so they should be nice so the poor don’t team up on them? well then they team up with the rich people who by definition have more money. if all you want to be is rich, being an asshole will actually make you richer. if all you want is to be respected, then get people with more money than you to respect you and thus inevitably put you on their level financially. you want to have $10,000,000,000 and give $500 to a bellman just so he will think you’re cool? who the fuck cares. in my world there are asshole rich people, stupid rich people, and stupid poor people. that isn’t how i want it, that isn’t how i live it, that is how it is. if we keep things the way they are the rich will keep getting richer through assholedom and the poor will keep getting poorer and more frustrated wondering why the rich people don’t care about them. and if it is the parents fault about their rich asshole child, then why do you want to destroy the child? shouldn’t you attack the parents?

  10. possible solution to problem: yearly 1-2% net worth tax for economy restabilization. a computer program to determine the fairest distribution would be trivial. you dont get $1 back until everyone with lower net worths than you has already received $1. this would also put a stop to all these real estate scams where that are solely in place to exploit the poor. you build your net worth to $5,000,000, then you better have $50k extra at the end of the year to pay the new tax. all your money locked up in debt to make money from “cash flow”? fuck you, pay me. you can’t just wish assholes away… that is why socialism doesn’t work, someone will fuck it up unless you may laws to stop them… and when you start making it illegal to be an asshole, then you hop right over to facist. so the trick is to make smart economic laws instead. tax breaks for the rich = welcome to assholeville USA.

  11. how REDiculous is it that our government can decide “our country is in trouble, you must give us control of your life and join the army” and that is just fine, but a similar law of “our economy is in trouble, you must give poor people some money” would be laughed at. pretty obvious who makes the laws. asshole rich people… the only kind that stay rich.

  12. my guess is that the estate tax (death tax) was intended to do what i proposed, but rich people already found all the loopholes they need through trust funds and lobby groups, so family assets really have no way of getting back into the economy unless the family chooses to do so

  13. had the guy covered 35k to 10k too… dude got very very very lucky. so last 3 omaha multis = 1st, 3rd, 2nd… with the 2nd and 3rd both going out on horrid river beats. then i sat at the cash tables and turned 50 (max buy-in) into 350. i swear, anyone who plays poker for money, convince people to play pot limit omaha hi/lo… you’ll retire 8 years early.

  14. wow wow wow. just caught a part of the today show on my way to the kitchen… they were doing a piece on “internet voyeurism”, and the popularity of online video sites. being a monkey that presses the video button about 400 times a day, i was more than interested to see what “they” thought about all this. they show a video of a guy dancing in his dorm room. katie currrrick was all like, these people just make videos of themselves acting silly and it’s just great… i mean… just let loose etc etc. and they kept talking and applauding this kid for his courage and what he was doing was great blah blah blah. BUT BUT BUT! today show, your researchers are lazy as fuck. i saw that fucking on the internet months ago, and in the REAL version, the dudes room mate storms in and the dude gets all embarassed, and then the dude is like, I HID A CAMERA IN HERE, WE GOT YOUR FAGGY ASS DANCING AND WE’RE GOING TO PUT IT ON THE INTERNET. so anyways, my point…. the today show people HAD TO have got this video off the internet, and thus saw the complete version, where instead of a free willed man danced in his private bedroom and let the world peer in, there was a dude completely violated and exploited… but they just edited that part out and ran the story anyways like THEY wanted. ….. #%!#%!#%$^ WHY? jesus christ, if the one thing i know anything about that pops up on the news is a complete propeganda sham, i can only assume 100% of the rest is as well.

  15. actually it was a naval academy… so that dancing dude could have just been on the government fast track and his parent’s connections with NBC got them to run the story to help him get over his embarassment. that would be funny if that was the case, because people that saw the real version were all just reminded of how big of a douche you are. nice work skippy.

  16. some gay dude trying to learn how to do the tootsie roll is probably very disappointed right now.

  17. RE: Today Show exploiting an already exploited college kid.I don’t think I could have put it any better. More punctuation and sentence structure, yes, but I can’t top Scientist’scrackhead writing style. It defines him as a storyteller. Good show.

  18. Ewaz is more AWOL than ever. His cell has been off for 3-4 month. The Sprint PCS lady doesn’t even call it “temporary” anymore. His number is straight up gone. He got fired from the Connie, and I guess he only works 1 day a week at the cafĂ©, Monday, and he even called in sick to that shift this week. I really hope he makes it to my bachelor party, but I doubt it. I doubt he will make it to my wedding. Oh well, I guess. Did society create Ewaz? Is he no more to blame than the Laguna Beach/Super Sweet Sixteen bitches? I say no. People choose who they are, and though socially created templates exist, they are easily transcended

    Also, how much should a rented tux cost?

  19. Don’t let them charge you for a groom tux. Instead, pile drive the tuxedo vendor through the counter, blow a snot rocket on them, and leave the store. If some pencil-necked prom geek is walking in while you’re walking out, shove him into a pile of mannequins.

  20. I had to lean over and ask another engineer how to spell mannequins. We have some pretty smart engineers here at intuit, who don’t ask any questions.

  21. I’ll put money on the fact that if you somehow need to find Ewaz, go to Genna’s on a weekday night. It always seemed to randomly work for me.

  22. wha happened to your anti tux philosophy? i smell a bellgirl coup. tuxes are LAME. you were dead right when you said they look dumb like prom or some such nonsense. sorry i know you all have weddings and wedding this and wedding that and i’m coming to your weding wirus and i’m excited. but weddings are llllllllame. lame with a capital la “oh i declare my love so much” i’ve written you a love poem in honor of my big fat love ball.” it goes like this: love is so great, totally great, weddings are so great, totally great. love love love love love tux whew, that said i think it’s nice. just all the nonsense with the tuxes and the eisle walking and dearly beloved ritualritualritualritual does any man think this thang should not go down? then clearly hold your peace whatnot. =DUMB. THE END.

  23. weddings = dumb. girls = vagina. girls = wedding => girls = dumb. vagina = dumb. huh? it’s one of lifes great catch 22s. just let her do whatever she wants, who cares. if you assume vagina is NOT dumb, then you must assume that weddings are also not dumb, because the contrary implies your original assumption is false.

  24. also, a very good example of assholedom at the 2005 WSOP… if you watched it at all you saw a ton of shots of an unbathed hobo with ratty grey hair screaming at the top of his lungs during every hand he was in. most obnoxious thing i had ever seen, and i watch myself masturbate all the time. so the dealer can’t stand the dudes stench and calls the tourney director over and the hobo flips out like “show me in the rules were it says i can’t stink and scream”… all the other players around this guy were telling him to shut the fuck up every time he screamed, and then he would scream at them too “I CAN PLAY MY HAND HOWEVER I LIKE!#%!#%” (which really doesn’t make sense in context). so… you make a rule that you can’t scream. fine. now every time hobo screams you have a law you can point to and apply the defined penalty, great. problem solved. BUT if the hobo was just being an asshole for being an assholes sake (which i believe was the case), now he has a very powerful new tool to use to be an even bigger asshole and piss even more people off. lets say a player wins a big pot at the table next to the hobo and the player stands up and exclaims “YES! THANK YOU GOD!”. now the hobo could call the tourney director over and make him give this dude a penalty, even though 100% of the players would say it was perfectly acceptible. if the tourney director won’t give the other player a penalty, then he can’t give the hobo a pentalty ever or its discrimination. ok ok, so we make the rules give a warning first, and then a penalty. but now every time anyone screams the hobo will call the floor over and make sure that he goes and gives the player a warning. the hobo is wasting everyone’s time just to be an asshole. ok, so you put the rule “at the tournament directors discretion”… well, then why have stated laws at all? what if you buy in for $10,000, and the tourney director was in cahoots with a player, so he just went around kicking everyone out of the tourney stating the “tournament directors discretion” rule. i mean, you did agree to play by those rules, so you really have no recourse. YOU CAN NOT BEAT AN ASSHOLE. you simply have to encourage an asshole not to be one, which is also impossible. it’s like cal naked with a woman, it lasts for about 3 seconds and then you just have even more people upset, and even more assholes. maybe i am missing a key idea though… so how would YOU solve the problem above whazzmaster readership?

  25. ewaz’s work ethic is about 10 steps past genius: i want 2 days off a week, but if i did that at a full time job i would be fired after about the 5th call-in… so instead get 3 jobs and call in sick twice a month at each of them. just enough to get what you want, just below what gets you canned. and when you want to move on, move on stepping stone style and keep 1 job while you get 2 more. pure genius. ewaz, if you want to come live on my couch for a month and teach me your ways, i’ll let you use my cell phone.

  26. if anyone is still trying to solve the above problem, asking him nicely to take a shower, wash his clothes, and be quiet is what sets him off the most.

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