A New Low

Last night I briefly considered doing that thing where you listen to the Top Seven At Seven on KMEL and then call in with the list to win some Kanye West tickets. Then I realized that doing so would be thoroughly ridiculous and went back to cleaning my bathroom.

In other news, I’m probably going to make my wedding room reservations soon. Big J, I’m just getting a room for Friday night because I’m staying with Wwhazz in his SWEET on Thursday. Let me know if you want to be in on that (Friday).

Jessi’s sister wants me to sing the Love Stinks song from The Wedding Singer in lieu of giving a speech. My thought was to go the Maid of Honor route and just go up there and cry and blather for 5 minutes. Wwhazz’s idea was for me to mumble the whole thing. My second idea was to tell a bad beat story from Pokerroom.com, as if I was telling an allegory, then conclude with, “Fuck you, davisdavisX99, you river piece of shit,” and sit down. I had another idea this morning: cut a wrestling promo where wwhazz is my tag team partner and he’s about to get a singles shot at the IC title. Then at the end, I’d hit him with my chair, steal his title shot, and marry Jessi.

That just made me realize: you two should re-enact the start of the McMahon-Helmsley Regime. Wwhazz, you take Jessi to Vegas and drug her. Marry her at a drive-through church where you say her “I Do” in a falsetto. Then bring her back home and have a “Love Her or Leave Her” street fight with her brother. If no brother can be found/exists, a handicap match against all of her sisters will suffice.

(throw a) discus

27 thoughts on “A New Low

  1. For all you folks in my wedding, I’ll call you tonight with some info. We need to talk about lodging. tux rental and the rehersal din din.

  2. List of things I would like to see come out of the best man speech:

    1. A folding chair being thrown into the cake.

    2. Mike being thrown on top of the folding chair currently in the cake.

    3. Jessi grabbing the microphone out of Mpen’s hands and giving an enraged speech.

    4. Someone demanding pancakes.

    5. Someone’s pants falling a la harlem globetrotters

    6. The IRS coming in to collect on poker room winnings.

    7. The IRS slow dancing to “I can’t fight this feeling any longer”

    8. Cal getting drugged and married to Madd a la Moneypenny’s plan (if the pastor is at the dinner).

    9. Someone looking at a where’s waldo book.

    that is all.

  3. Tap, tap, tap.
    “Hello, um… I’ve known Mike for quite a while and him and Jess… whoa, Scubby,” said Zach.
    A chair flies, a lady screams.
    “Oh shit,” said Zach.
    Mike flies, a lady screams.
    Jessi grabs the mic.
    “You sons of bitches. Now stop it!”
    “Pancakes!” says O’Neil, pounding his fork and knife on the table.
    GMX and Peterstiffly walk into the room. Their trousers fall around their ankles with an audible “whoop!” sound.
    The IRS rappels in through the skylights. Glass shatters. They mistake Aaron Moneypenny for the legendary Valentina12. He flips over his table (a round for 10) and runs for it.
    Later, a very drunk CAL dangles on Madd’s arm and the reverend EWAZ pronounces them man and man. The DJ hits the music and in the background the IRS agents dance cheek to cheek.
    “I can’t fight this feeling anymore…I’ve forgotten what I started fightin fooooor,” croons Zach.

  4. valentina12 played 4 more multis after that blow up. 4 bubbles for a total of 5 in a row for about $135,36524,243,623,643,76,347,3,7,347. so fucking dumb. and i am dry on top of that. shitty shitty shitty shitty GOOSE!

  5. wirksu, you know how i told you my smart cousin started playing poker 2 days ago? dude just made final table of a 600 man $5 multi and got 6th. he went all in with TT and got called by AT… he wins he’s chip leader. ace on the flop. oh well. $90 instead of $580… oh well. still very impressive. dude has all it takes, just need experience.

  6. he wins he’s chip leader was a hypothetical, not a statement of fact. he lost. sorry for any confusion. i am putting a 1.75 of crown to my face right now. so fucking good.



  9. for my money, nothing beats a pastrami sandwich on sodme quaality sadndwich bread. mayoooooooooo + a pickle is good too. fucking fuckers.

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  11. OK, the room reservations are made. I have a room with 2 queen beds on Friday, Jan. 6th at Bridgewood Estates for $99+tax. Jen, you’d better pay me for one-half to two-thirds, or I’ll break your neck in the brawl after the Madd/Cal marriage during the best man speech. Also Jen, Erin wants to talk to you I think. Give a call-io.

  12. Yo zach, I got an idea. Just keep our room from Thursday and use it on Friday. I think it’s a tad more than 99$ but it’s a SWEET. Also, Ewaz is staying with us on Thursday.

    Madd, I’m looking into the dog situation. I might have Parker stay at Jessi’s parents with one of her cousins, but because Gizmo will be there too, I don’t think we can add Quincy to the mix. No way a little kid will be able to handle all 3 given that 2 of the 3 like to fight. But I’ll keep looking into it.

  13. Is it gonna be one of those nights? My 1st two sit and gos were 4th and 4th. BARF.

    1. 20$. I call a raise with A10 in the BB. The flop has an A, so I push. JJ calls and turns a J. I have 900 left push it next hand with KJ and lose to KQ. Cool.

    2. 5$. I push with AQs preflop and A8 calls me. Flop has an 8. Next hand, I’m on the ropes, I push with rags and double up. Next hand I have AQ again, I push Q6 calls, I win. Next hand I have AA. One guy has less than 1000 left, I’m back to 2nd in chips. Chip leader bets huge. Again I have AA, so I push he calls and makes a str8. Cool, cool, Cal.

  14. That rebuy tourney was fucking gay. Watched 29 offsuit for an hour. Got KQo under the gun once and the flop was 255. Other than that, my absolute best hand dealt was KT, which I tried to limp with and was clobbered with an all-in to my left. I had K9 once, and lost all my chips when the flop was 293 and the asshat to my left was holding A9. Whatever. Fucking stupid.

  15. i am on my 5th tourney. no cashes and a lot of fucking bubbles including a gaywad with AA knocking out my AJ. i hope he dies.

  16. knife in my ass: just busted out of the $20 limit sit and go. JJ vs A6. dick fight on the flop of T72 and we get all in for a 3k pot. turn 6, river A. he didn’t need the 6 on the turn, but runner runner bs 2 pair instead of me getting in the money FUCKING ONCE IN THE LAST 32632409764308643q0yjewl;kdf xmzlkzdsjg ‘lw45jn’ lk8u n;l59,m j fuck everything.

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