Near Certain, At Least

I’m certain that a general malaise has overtaken me and that I’m suffering from severe writer’s block. ION, I’m going to see Kanye in concert tomorrow after all (through the generosity of a friend, not a wacky call-in radio contest. I cut a habanero pepper last night and washed my hands afterward. No one (certainly not elementary school) told me that the oils don’t just “wash off”. End result saw me wiping my eye and then wailing in pain to no one in particular for 10 minutes. For 20 seconds or so I really, honestly thought that my eyes were burning out of my skull. Have a great week.

MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

38 thoughts on “Near Certain, At Least

  1. if you have a large blood stain you don’t want anyone to ever find out about, soak the area in bleach as it will react with the luminol the police will use, and thus provide no conclusive evidence.

  2. weren’t you under 200 at cinnebar? i have a dream too, but it involves 200 pounds of something else. and no it doesn’t have anything to do with a fat chick. or dude. christ, do i have to spell it out?

  3. imagine a quantum device that encapsulates our entire universe. allow the time constant no friction…. wait a few… somethings (as the concept of time is probably already confused), just make sure it’s AT LEAST a FEW somethings. now observe the state. do you think cats will still be keepin it jumpin like kangaroos? AND IF MOTHER FUCKING SO…. bah

  4. my brain plays backgammon all day now… like it used to move tetris blocks around. like i’m sure one day it spent trivializing poker.

  5. $30 NLHE multi. 169 entrants. top 10 pay. i am sick of mother fucking losing. i will win this tournament. i am the fucking greatest.

  6. lost 500 early with AKs when i flopped ace and dude turned 2 pair. had T2.. flop A29. i bet on the cusp of the just enough to be considered a “strongish” bet. he calls. turn T. again same style bet. calls. i check river 5, he checks. blah. lose 175 on a very juicy multiway draw… backdoor everything with overcards. turn was the black tre that does absolutely nothing other than fuck your hand and ensure the 175 is not yours no more. then i get the J9s. i like hands like these because you can often guess that you’re a higher than 61% favorite (the golden ratio)… usually like 68-70%. and push on the flop and gamble with good odds. you can’t win without gambling. so anways i hit the pair of 9s with a flush draw and straight draw. board was Q9T. QK calls, and blankity and his retarded cause blank come runner runner and i’m a ghost ghost ghost… what were the last 2 digits in my placement in the tourney? the answer is always 42. holler

  7. my lord is this boring. somebody please say something interesting. sean why don’t you tell us what’s going on in old south america. do you have christmas in july? crazy mixed up south america. did i tell you all about how i took a date to a movie about the civil war in el salvador and apparently during this war they shot children excution style and this made my date cry, then she wanted to go home. thanks a lot war movie. who would have thought a good true to live war film would be a bad date… learn somehting new everyday. ok your turn losers. sincerely, cal

  8. ok one more, last summer i met this girl on the plane coming back from MN and she asked how i was getting home from the airport and i said super shuttle (bc i didn’t wnat to deal with bart at 11:00pm) and she asked if super shuttle went to the mission and i said yes, and she asked how much it cost and i said like $20 and she said she would take bart. so then i said: how long have you lived in sf and she said that she was moving right now via this airplane. so being the gentleman that i am took bart with her and dropped her off at her new home. then a few days later we went to dinner but it wasn’t fun at all, she was 22 and was, to say the least, uninterested in the going’s on of thirty something cal. boo to you 22 year old! boo to you! after that my friends gave me a hard time too… they said she’ll look back on moving to sf and think “oh yeah there was that one old guy who helped me out… gee what a nice old dude…really friendly…”

  9. Oh yeah, you just turned 30! You old fuck! You creep old fucker, picking up teenage hitchhikers in your super shuttle. Tooot! Tooot! Cal train coming, Super shuttle coming! TOOT TOOOT TOOOOOOOOOOOT.

  10. Dear Cal,
    i am glad that you are thirty, it makes me smile. you just became more handsome in my mind.
    love, bellgirl

  11. hey alright bellgirl! wirkus you got a live one there– hey bellgirl why don’t you drop the ZERO huh? i don’t have any fancy masters degree but i get a new bus pass EVERY month. just got a brand new December that’s right… sawweet.

  12. Crispin crittlesticks. So you’re more handsome in her mind… you know what other crazy shit she stores up there? Do You? DO YOU!?! Circles are squares, man. Dogs talk and the sky is pink.

    Hey, what did your mom get you for your birthday?

  13. what kind of a weirdo question is that. YOU WEIRDO! dude you know that part: does anybody think this wedding should not be lawfully gone through with? CAL THINKS THAT! stop the mating! these two should not be mates! i oppose! i oppose! i hearby call wittness aaron o’neil to the stand. mr. o’neil i hearby declare you to be and UNFIT WITNESS! CASE DISMISSED! and cal and bellgirl lived happily ever after!

  14. dude it’ll be just like in my cousin vinny where marissa tomei knows all about the cars and so the case is dismissed except here i know all about the key to bellgirls heart see, and i use the key, to UNLOCK the heart! ok enough i have to go running… because i can see, because it’s not FREEZING outside see, because i am writing this from a MARITIME climate not the bitter midwest like some other popsicle friends i know…

  15. um somehow i made another html spell and it went awry. so in previous post… before the “i can see” please insert: ENOUGH OF THIS I’M GOING RUNNING….. but actully i sort of like the first one better so please disregard… just disregard it all. goodnight

  16. Dear Cal,
    If I call this marriage off now would you accept Parker and I with all of your heart and soul? Could we come running with you and play in the sea and wrestle with Greg?? if so the answer is yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Cal, you may have the key to my heart

    p.s. it’s wrapped around wwhazz’s weiner

  17. does anybody think that the seperation of wirkus and bellygirl should be executed simply to fulfill the wants and needs of ONE cal? MADDDDD THINKS THAT! stop the breaking up, to reunite! i oppose! i oppose! cal, instead…. run away with me. it will be like in my cousin vinny where the 2 dudes in jail fall in love and move to san francisco for the “MERRYtime climate”. please cal? say yes.

  18. Dear Cal,
    Tonight wwhazz wore his Cal sweater to dinner and all I could do was picture cal’s head instead of wwhazz’s. it was so dreamy..

  19. A question is burning a hole in my mind, not unlike applying habanero pepper juice directly to my brain stem: does cal junk out his posts in 10 seconds, stream-of-conciousness style? or does he craft his bum-prose with a careful eye for detail? just yankin yer shi– oops, poop came out. bellgirl: marry me instead. seriously, i’d take you to all the highest-class scuba-diving joints, not those scuzzy hobo-reefs that wwhazz takes you to. think about it. cal only knows how to run, whereas i can program computers and do comedy routines. i’d make you laugh and then write a program that shows ILUVYOU on the screen.

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