My Number Has Not Changed

If you call my cell phone you’ll get a message that says “The number you dialed is not a working number.” Funny that, because I can make outgoing calls just fine. Thanks Cingular, you’ve got a real crack team of scientists and MBAs over there fucking my shit up. Did you get a degree in that? My number has not changed, you are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Put on your gas masks, crouch under your desks, and await further instructions.

50 thoughts on “My Number Has Not Changed

  1. bum-prose!? i object your honor! i call to the stand one Aaron O’Neil. Mr. Oneil… kindly tell the court, do you swear to tell the wholetruth?I do.do you think cal’s prose is bummy?I do not. It’s funny, not bummy.the defense rests! court is objurned! overturned! ugurned! horay!

  2. Dear zmoney,
    your offer for marriage is tempting, how i would love to watch you program computers in your underwear. i would also love our romantic evenings rascalling it up- listening to you rap and watching strange men breakdance to it. HHHHHHMMMMMMM what to do- Do you think we can all move to Utah and they would allow me to marry all three of you???? Or does the reverse polygamy not work? No matter what, the key to my heart is wrapped tightly around wwhazz’s weiner. iI\It’s up to the zachs to get it off.

  3. FOR THE RECORD MADD AND EROZ

    You both say you’d rather have Pods than Clark. I say shame on both of you. The numbers speak for themselves.

    R H HR RBI SB BA
    Pods 80 147 0 25 59 .290
    Clark 94 183 13 53 10 .306

    You both are fools and as anti-brewer as bob “lake michigan fishing” uecker (sp?).

  4. Setting: Madd’s car, evening of the bachelor party

    Plot: We spent most of the ride over arguing whether the Brewers should trade Jenkins or not. At one point or another, I asked the question: Who would you rather have playing center field, Clark or Pods? Eroz and Madd both insisted Pods was the best choice. I said poppycock. Of course, sitting shotgun in Madd’s ultra-suave Acura, I didn’t have the resources to back up my claim that Clark is by far the superior centerfielder. However, after an exhaustive effort, i.e., looking at espn.com on my lunch break, I have irrefutable statistical evidence that Clark beats Pods like a dirty step-child in every meaningful offensive category.

    NOW, before you idiots point out that Pods has more steals, consider this– what good are steals unless you can score runs? (Never mind the fact that it eliminates potential double plays). How is it possible to have 49 more stolen bases than Clark, yet score 14 fewer runs?

    Clark is king. I have spoken.

  5. K-Car, your posting rate is 500% of your quota for the year. You’re getting a bonus: I will buy you Wes Clark’s used jockstrap off eBay.

  6. Friday night at the library. If Raynor allowed firearms I would shoot someone in the face. Or maybe just wave the gun around until they opened up the cafe that is always closed so I could buy a steaming cup of Tazo tea. The tea would pacify me, and I would only get slapped with a misdemeanor charge because of my spotless record and angelic face. Then we would all go home and live happily ever after. The End.

  7. Sometimes I drive by the Milwaukee County “Criminal Justice” Facility for inspiration. I did that today. I do not feel inspired to write a 25-page paper on the Soviet influence on Cuba. The End.

  8. Watch out Jen, Marquette apparently kicks out muthafuckers for posting on blogs. If you got kicked out for your gunplay fantasies what would do? Waitress at Potawatami? Side-stage dancer at On The Border? Front desk at Pfffffister? Noooooooooo!

  9. Pfffffffister? pffffffffffft cal; semi-colon hero to the world. what would you say if i moved to san fran and became a vegan? nothing, because you’d be out running a marathon in colombia trying to find QUEALY~. stiffly powerbombed you once, once i’m hopped up on veganism i’ll triple-digit it: THROUGH THE PORK STORE. bring it, i’m ready to brung it reverse-like.

  10. JW did that story in Milwaukee. I saw it and immediately called him to tell him that the speech is protected by the 1st Amendment, because it does not fall into any of hte categories of unprotected speech: child porn, incitement, etc. Then I felt like a big dork with no friends for a reason.

  11. Big J has reached a breaking point. lets all sit around and watch her finally snap and dirty up that record.

  12. i’m in raytown for a wedding. high-tailin it out at dawn on sunday to make a funeral in eau claire on rach-o’s side. 3 more weddings and i have the makings of a direct to video movie. that movie? gremlins 4: the gremliest. if there are any wedding crashers amoungst us, now is the time to speak up, or forever hold your peace because cal will maritime your fiance.

  13. in the mean time, a question: which is a better solution to an existing problem? a) determine what caused the problem, and make sure it doesn’t happen again using means that will not cause any further problems. OR b) figure out what problems the original problem is causing and stop them, doing your best to keep the problem “under control” for now. OR c) just clean up the mess every time a problem comes along, and hope that everything doesn’t blow up.

  14. george carlin’s new special on hbo… jesus christ. i have no clue how he kept the crowd with him. all suicide and necrophelia material. as well as the whazzmaster collective view that america is pretty much fucked because it is full of complete morons. good show.

  15. Old friend CAL her. Me and my internet friend the Madd Scientist coming to get you. We are the BEST! You hear?

    Mr. B where did you some from! Baseball. I miss base ball. Not really into the old football. But I do it. Play the fantasy football. Pick my guys. Oh Touchdown! Great! Football! USA! Great!

  16. CAL– I’ve spent the last several months doing Brady Clark’s magical eye exercises. Basically, you watch a little dot on TV darting back and forth. I have X-ray vision now. I can see, like, all the way to China.

  17. but whatever i do play fantasy football and madd is my internet… so i put my real cal stamp of approval on this new C to the al guy.

  18. moving forward whenever i write a real true and genuine post i will add the special asterisk by my name see above. accept nothing but genuine cal posts!

  19. I’m glad that little shit got punished at Marquette. Fuck him. Fuck his gayass website. Fuck dental school.

  20. If we have to answer a question on obscenity on my con law exam tomorrow, I’m going to use the “THIS STUFF’S MADE IN NEW YORK CITY????” line to refer to the application of community standards when determining whether material is obscene. I think it will be a resounding success.

  21. wedding, good. funeral, good. all this fake posting while i was away, good. anarchy with common sense, can’t be bad = good.

  22. I took a section off my sectional today using a hammer, a screwdriver, a steak knife with a serrated edge and a switch blade. It took a long time, and it was dangerous, but it’s done.

  23. A very decent Saturday Night Live just got better. I mean, Toby Maguire doing Screech in the Actor’s Studio with Will Ferrel was great, but now the musical guest is Cisco. Thong Song live? Christmas came early.

  24. i basically haven’t been a member of society since thursday afternoon, so i just caught the SNL with alec baldwin and shakirIFASTFORWARDEDTHROUGHBOTHYOURPERFORMANCES. jesus christ, every 3 seconds product placement. then i caught the new ATHF. fucking show about product placements, but jesus. i mean they both did them super smart from a political standpoint. made it very very hard to be upset, but come the fuck on. that shit just isn’t going to fly. so then i hop on the computer and notice that there is a story saying product placements were up 87% over some statistically shocking time period that could not have been made up. by anyone. so i guess this is what the media i grew up with has to do in the internet age. oh well. i’d rather not watch and reverse engineer your marketing mind games. in the end the actors lose something, and the show is less because of it. moving on.

  25. a thought that made me smile for exactly 3 seconds, then i was pissed again… cingular paid cartoon network to do the boost mobile show, just to piss me off. i really wanted to believe it…. but once again, i will ask you to come the fuck on. i am obviously living in a dream world. also the whole thing being fake and they just pretended to be sellouts, also dumb. or they were like, just this once we’ll sell out, but our REAL fans will just see that we’re selling out and we’ll come back next week with fresh sell out free material. uh, if that is the case, you fuckers are fucking sell outs. good show, but come on… i would do the same thing, and if i’m going to do it, i need there to be that guy waiting with my money… and if you take his money, he might not be there with my money when i want to take it. so fuck you guys. buy me something.

  26. some HATE comin on I FEEL SOME HATE comin on WHOOP WHOOP some HATE comin on I FEEL SOME HATE comin on WHOOP WHOOP

  27. Zach, call me when you are done with your circle jerk. Something to think about: what do you want to do for NYE?

  28. hey there, no i didn’t go to San Quenton for Tookie but I have some friends who did. It makes me sick. did you hear it was a long drawn-out execution? nice. some nurse fumbled over his arm trying to stick a needle in for 12 minutes. nice. dark day here in california.

  29. I’m against the death penalty, but I’m also against you figs marching down the coast to protest the execution of poor Tookie. Was Greg one of the friends or was it Tofu?

  30. Speaking of down coast, in one month I’ll be in San Diego where I am anxious to rekindle my friendship with Steven J Ejercito.

  31. Fuck Tookie. Why don’t they put executions on pay-per-view. I would have paid like $50 to see that douchebag die. Think of how much money this could have made for the State of California. Seriously, why don’t Cali and Texas do this.

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