Friday the 13th

Today is Friday the 13th. It’s also a full moon tonight. SPOOKY. Anyways, for you viewing pleasure, remember the story I told you about the dark and stormy night in a San Franciscan warehouse? Remember this line?

They brought out a ladder, and set it up right in front of the wall where they were projecting the movie. A guy with a suit and long kinda scraggly beard put on a headband with a flashlight and ascended to the top. He sat on the ladder and told us matter-of-factly it would be a long speech. And then he launched into a LONG SPEECH. I stood and listened to the whole thing, and for this reason: this guy was apparently the leader here, and he had arranged an awesome party.

So he started blathering on about “Number FOUR: Jim is cool!” and whenever he raised to toast to one thing or another, I dutifully raised my glass and yelled, “To BLAH!” Cal was standing next to me and he started to get cranky. “This speech is boring,” he said to me. Then he turned his ire on the speechmaker, shouting “BOO!” I grabbed him by the arm and asked if he’d like to get atacked by a pit bull and then thrown out in the rain. I threatened him that I’d punch him if he didn’t shut up and let this modern-day Jesus give his speech. I swear to god, if Cal would have been at the Last Supper he would have sat in the back pouting until Jesus was saying, “And my body is bread, and my blood in wine and stuff–” when he started yelling, “BOO! Jesus, you are soooo boring!” Then Jesus probably would have crossed his arms, I Dream of Jeanie-style, and turned Cal into a salamander. Anyways, I quietly yelled at Cal until he went over by Sam, who was standing far from the speech. Then he came over by me and booed again and I punched him.

Oh yeah, and while all this is going on; while the speech is being made, and people are toasting, and Cal is complaining about the Length of the Speech, Naked Musician is flanking the ladder as if he is the honor guard, and every time Jesus uses a rhetorical flourish in his speech, Naked Musician lets loose with a alto sax improv routine. doodle-doodle-doo! Oh yeah, and the whole time of the speech he’s bouncing up and down ont he balls of his feet, so his donger is waggling around. Best Speech Ever That I Didn’t Know One Major Point Being Made Due To Threatening Cal, The Platform The Speech Was Made On, The Accompanying Music, and Other: check.

Remember it? Read it again, burn the description into your brain. How does your mind’s eye describe it?

Anything, like, say, this?

My literary descriptions are boundless and correct.

–whazz on

34 thoughts on “Friday the 13th

  1. 1. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Kalish, for procreating with the result being a girl.
    2. Stop posting porn links on whazzmaster. I’ll get in trouble at my superfoul private catholic school.

  2. yipes. uh, yeah, you were pretty much spot on. kt is preggers, so pretty much everything she thinks or says over the next few months must be dismissed as “crazy pregnant talk”. timmah, i especially like how they sell that movie for $150, but that preview link shows the entire fucking show! hahahahaha, dumb webmaster couldn’t set up an “auto create preview” function that wouldn’t give away all their potential proceeds. most of the other videos only show you like 5 minutes. i think “the math life” is their gem bait and switch title.

  3. i skipped the description when i saw the word porn at the bottom of the page. i guess porn doesn’t necessarily mean hot, though…

  4. i bet puff daddy uses the arctan(4d) or something… cause he OH SO titititie. just kcinding. oh christn im drunlk


  6. hey zach- i tried to get the slideshow for my parents, however i have been unsuccessful. it wouldn’t play on whatever player they already had so then I downloaded quicktime and it won’t play on that either (which i beleive is the problem we had before) what is the name of the free player that worked? if i get that and save it to a CD will they have it forever? i know you’re off the clock as the best man but i don’t have anyone else to ask. thanks. sincerely,
    hopeless in Hortonville

  7. dear rumsey,
    we received your pics from the wedding, thank you very much. I enjoyed watching them, they give us another aspect of the wedding, photo wise. thanks again, mrs wirkus
    p.s. i am esp glad you got aaron with the tie on his head.

  8. Hmm, the movie plays on QuickTime on my Mac and my PC. Try installing the newest version of QuickTime from Apple.

  9. Actually, try right-clicking on the link and select “Save Link As…”, then select where you want to save it. It’ll take awhile to download.

  10. I’ve got the picture galleries from the wedding done, but I can’t upload them from home because a nano-virus has brought the San Jose Inter-switch to its knees. Naw really, my computer just sucks and I don’t know why it don’t work. I’ll have to upload them from my work computer on Tuesday.

  11. wirkuses~

    is that the correct pluralization, btw?

    i can try to download the show and put it as an extra on your wedding DVD. along with the other bonus feature of hidden flower mic commentary like:

    “peace be with you, GO BREWERS!”

  12. rumsey,
    if that would work it would be very nice to have as a bonus feature, but if it is a lot of work then don’t worry about it. thanks, bellygirl
    also i am not sure how to pluralize our last name, maybe wirkus’

  13. you may want to defer to your husband on that since i only have a BA in english and he now totes an MFA, but i think it would be “es.” i’m not betting on it, however. get back to us so that we know how to address future chrismakah cards!

Comments are closed.