Since I have a few spare moments before Judd saunters (and believe me, if you saw how he approaches my house in the morning, there is no other correct word) up to my door begging for carpool opportunities, I’ve decided to highlight a leetle bit of what I’ve been listening to lately. Now, I know that I have the epower to swing world opinion on music in a single bound, but I’ll take that chance. After all, what’s the internet for if not obliviously posting my opinions on everything from theoretical economics to joe’s casino, where the dealers be jank?
Here are some items you should add to your collection, should you have the exact same blah mainstream taste in music that I do:
- Tonight, Not Again – Jason Mraz Live at the Eagles Ballroom (try the following tracks to get a feel: Curbside Prohpet, No Stopping Us, Sleeping to Dream). Judd got me on this, and it’s pretty good. Dave Matthews-ish with a small amount of pop-hop flavor. Dude sings real purty-like.
- Satelite Rides – Old 97s (especially Buick City Complex and Designs on You). Yeah, yeah. Everyone in the universe knows and loves the Old 97s and I’m a schmoe for being so late to the party. Eat me, hypothetical abuser.
- Much More (single) – De La Soul. This is the one they did on Chappelle’s Show that one time; I’m still listening to it 1.5+ years later. “I play play the xbox instead of fuckin’ with dice” gets me every time.
- Brass – The Minibosses. Holy shit inna grocery store shopping cart, if you ever played Nintendo I implore you to buy this CD. It’s great, that’s the truth, and I won’t say another thing until you’ve listened to it and praised its greatness before me. Also, gimme 5 bucks and we’ll call it square. Yeah, I said it, you owe me a five spot. What? You don’t remember? Cough up the dough or start runnin’.
In preparation for Judd’s wedding, I’ve officially been ordained by the Universal Life Church. Here were some of the ground rules:
- Please don’t ordain other people without their knowledge.
- Please don’t ordain famous people or cartoon characters.
After the process was complete (I did, by the way, feel a slight influx of God upon clicking the submit button) I officially became… wait for it… Reverand Zachery Jonathon Moneypenny. Oh hell yeah. Some of my powers, for those that still aren’t inspired and/or in awe by me:
- I can perform marriages, which, given the reason for this whole thing, is good.
- I can perform certain rites (Last Rites, Sacrament, Baptism, other stuff) but one Rite is explicitly not given to me. Sadly, I cannot perform circumcisions. Foiled again.
- I can absolve people of sins. Next party I have, everyone who stays til 3am gets their sins absolved free. Otherwise, if you want everyday absolvement, it’ll be five bucks, or you buy me a Taco Bell lunch (which could be under five bucks, depending on location).
I was trying to get my dad to buy my big screen TV and have it shipped to Wisco so we can be rid of it. I tried to make him a really good deal. He gives me $1000 (10 one hundred dollar bills) and he gets the following:
- One 51″ Sony TV
- I will marry his daughter to someone.
- I will perform one marriage to be named later (of his choice).
I think I’m really close to striking a deal here. Keep your fingers crossed, Whazzmaster.com. Also, I wish I could cross my arms, I-Dream-Of-Jeanie style, and turn people into salamanders. Also, some kind of voodoo and/or hoodoo powers would be nice. Finally, I’d like a really big robe to wear when I perform magic. I’ll also need flash powder by the pound.
Someone made a terrible mistake.
— i just absolved myself of my sins. i think i’ll do it after lunch as well.