PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

Since I have a few spare moments before Judd saunters (and believe me, if you saw how he approaches my house in the morning, there is no other correct word) up to my door begging for carpool opportunities, I’ve decided to highlight a leetle bit of what I’ve been listening to lately. Now, I know that I have the epower to swing world opinion on music in a single bound, but I’ll take that chance. After all, what’s the internet for if not obliviously posting my opinions on everything from theoretical economics to joe’s casino, where the dealers be jank?

Here are some items you should add to your collection, should you have the exact same blah mainstream taste in music that I do:

  • Tonight, Not Again – Jason Mraz Live at the Eagles Ballroom (try the following tracks to get a feel: Curbside Prohpet, No Stopping Us, Sleeping to Dream). Judd got me on this, and it’s pretty good. Dave Matthews-ish with a small amount of pop-hop flavor. Dude sings real purty-like.
  • Satelite Rides – Old 97s (especially Buick City Complex and Designs on You). Yeah, yeah. Everyone in the universe knows and loves the Old 97s and I’m a schmoe for being so late to the party. Eat me, hypothetical abuser.
  • Much More (single) – De La Soul. This is the one they did on Chappelle’s Show that one time; I’m still listening to it 1.5+ years later. “I play play the xbox instead of fuckin’ with dice” gets me every time.
  • Brass – The Minibosses. Holy shit inna grocery store shopping cart, if you ever played Nintendo I implore you to buy this CD. It’s great, that’s the truth, and I won’t say another thing until you’ve listened to it and praised its greatness before me. Also, gimme 5 bucks and we’ll call it square. Yeah, I said it, you owe me a five spot. What? You don’t remember? Cough up the dough or start runnin’.

In preparation for Judd’s wedding, I’ve officially been ordained by the Universal Life Church. Here were some of the ground rules:

  • Please don’t ordain other people without their knowledge.
  • Please don’t ordain famous people or cartoon characters.

After the process was complete (I did, by the way, feel a slight influx of God upon clicking the submit button) I officially became… wait for it… Reverand Zachery Jonathon Moneypenny. Oh hell yeah. Some of my powers, for those that still aren’t inspired and/or in awe by me:

  • I can perform marriages, which, given the reason for this whole thing, is good.
  • I can perform certain rites (Last Rites, Sacrament, Baptism, other stuff) but one Rite is explicitly not given to me. Sadly, I cannot perform circumcisions. Foiled again.
  • I can absolve people of sins. Next party I have, everyone who stays til 3am gets their sins absolved free. Otherwise, if you want everyday absolvement, it’ll be five bucks, or you buy me a Taco Bell lunch (which could be under five bucks, depending on location).

I was trying to get my dad to buy my big screen TV and have it shipped to Wisco so we can be rid of it. I tried to make him a really good deal. He gives me $1000 (10 one hundred dollar bills) and he gets the following:

  • One 51″ Sony TV
  • I will marry his daughter to someone.
  • I will perform one marriage to be named later (of his choice).

I think I’m really close to striking a deal here. Keep your fingers crossed, Whazzmaster.com. Also, I wish I could cross my arms, I-Dream-Of-Jeanie style, and turn people into salamanders. Also, some kind of voodoo and/or hoodoo powers would be nice. Finally, I’d like a really big robe to wear when I perform magic. I’ll also need flash powder by the pound.

Someone made a terrible mistake.

— i just absolved myself of my sins. i think i’ll do it after lunch as well.

90 thoughts on “PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME

  1. on the news tonight they are doing a story about malprexone (sp?) that cures people from addictive gambling. supposedly it removes the euphoria from winning. WHY THE CHRIST ARE PEOPLE WASTING MONEY ON THIS RESEARCH?!#^#% they will ruin me.

  2. i thought it was hilarious how bush felt it necessary to say something to the effect of “america must not shun it’s responsiblity for an easier life”… uh… why not? easier lives are… easier. what is so wrong with an easy life mr bush? do you not want me to have an easy life? you’ve had a pretty easy life bushy… in between coke bumps that is. oh, but wait… you really do get out and do hard physical labor on your ranch in texas all the time… ironically shunning your responsibility to our nation for a harder life. fucking genius. america, you will fall very very soon with monkeys like this in charge.

  3. just caught rach-o lurking again… but this time in my email. that ain’t right. everyone feel free to shame here on this public forum for her illegal search without a warrant. also, i just signed up for the US daily on a whim… that “within 1 minute” shit freaks me out into signing up for pretty much anything just so i don’t regret not signing up for it. i have no chance of even not getting last place in this tournament. in fact… i should not even be allowed to play.

  4. wow. got up to 4k at the 1.5 hour mark. 22nd of 100 left from 281. AK, flop TJQ, all in… called by 77? turn 7, river T. down to 2k. flop 355 i have K4 with flush draw. turn the flush, all in… 58o hits a boat. left with 200, my AQ vs Q6 and they hit a 6. i fucking hate poker. so jewish.

  5. I know bearcatdude from my pokerroom 2-4 days. I had him marked as maniac, but maybe I was too young to tell that he was smart. But I’m pretty sure he sucked.

  6. What do you all think of the H and R Block double your refund tax prep game? I laugh my balls off everytime I see that commercial.

  7. And I think it’s a good tesy of your gambler’s insticts.

    Jessi sees it and goes “COOL!”

    I see it, and say, “Um…no.”

  8. “This day in 2005… finished” is a short but sweet read. I remember the events that led to the “Jew Fuck” post.

    In 2007 we can read about today!

    Today I went to this vegetable market that’s owned by Asians and staffed by Mexicans and one old white lady. Crazy cheap veggies, yo, and fun to boot. I was wearing my cool new t-shirt (it says “Rock, Paper, Scissors CHAMPION” I got it for 4$ at Target) and my check out lady was one of the Mexicans, but the lady at the register next to mine was the old white lady, and she asked me about my shirt. I told her I really was a champion and she insisted that I play her. We played 6 times and I lost all 6, once to a shape that was kinda sci/paper-like that I let slide. We were going to play again, but the owner came out from back and told her she had to stop as both registers were out of commission as we battled and there were other customers waiting. Sort of weird. I look forward to reading this next year.

  9. wow… me and rach-o had the exact same, “COOL” “BAH!” conversation about the H&R block thing… i mean… i guess women dont understand that giving someone $10,000 in exchange for a $60 service does not a profitable business make. i bet there is a class action lawsuit there if anyone cared…. o’neil? they should be force to make the odds just as clear as they make the prizes. in face, that should be a law. worded just like that. sort of like equal time in politics. 90% of the shit on tv is propeganda that i can see through, and 50% of the propeganda completely pisses me off. 35% i see no reason to care about because the people behind it are complete morons, and 15% i am impressed by, sort of how a true madd scientist is impressed with a “laser” mounted on the moon. reality shows have diluted the propeganda pool so much that not many people are doing the smart propegandizing anymore… and that is why our country is falling apart. society needs people who are thinking about thinking about thinking and then relaying their findings onto the people through advertising concepts. the boob toooob is nothing more than a mass hypnosis device brought to earth by jamaicans, and perfected by ostrich farmers on the distant island of naboo off the shores of candyland.

  10. Do you think if you go w/ H&R and you actually “win” the double your refund, and your tax return shows that you owe the government money… that H&R makes you pay in double. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

  11. advertising that preys on the elderly generally pisses me off pretty well, but there is an info mercial that has been running for like 2+ years now that makes me laugh at it’s REDiculousness. the infomercial sells slot machines for $300. they have the set set up like a casino full of old people and everyone is like pumping their fists about their huge imaginary scores against… themselves? so fucking dumb… i mean, slot machines in general make no sense to me, but tons and tons of people line up to play, so obviously there is SOME reason to gamble at a disadvantage at a game that requires absolutely no action on the users part other than “press the button again”… but then when you take the real casino atmosphere out of the equation, AND you take the possibility of winning real money out of the equation… WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE LEFT? but these fuckers have been selling these things for years. that’s the type of advertising where i just sit back and think, welllllll… do your thing player. do your thing. ANDY!!!!! AHHHHHH!

  12. wow, now that you aren’t working on your disertation anymore, your unused brain is starting to rot. awesome. but sadly, i thought the same thing when i first saw the commercial and chuckled to myself as well. all in all that entire campaign should not be allowed.

  13. The commercials that drive me crazy are the debt consolidation ones where people talk about how their payment is lowered and now they have more money to spend on some brand new toy or whatnot. The same thing, I guess, with the cash advance type places.

    yeah, this brain rot is feeling good….

  14. oh man… NEW AD CAMPAIGN OUT! nutrisystem for men. they are selling it to “stop your sex life from screaching to a halt”. “eat like a man, and feel great doing it!” *cut to bacon double cheeseburger…. god damn, can people really be this dumb?

  15. ronnie duetsch (sp?) is awesome… “i was $80,000 in debt to the IRC, and ronnie duetsch settled my case for $20!!”. haha, keep sticking it to the man ronnie. you go girl.

  16. IRS. bah. i’m back on daylight schedule and my brain doesn’t work. i think humans are naturally night time animals.

  17. mspcollege.edu… “if you download music or make online purchases, then YOU could be a NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR!” haha. i love advertising.

  18. well, i think it’s fair to say that if you COULD NOT do those things, you probably COULD NOT be a network administrator.

    okay, now this is just getting crazy; i need to go do something productive with my time.

  19. like what? clean the house? why? buy stuff? you don’t need it. learn something? you’re already smarter than 99% of the people. teach people? people don’t want to learn. whazzmaster is just as productive as anything else… check out online gambling… also good times.

  20. One thing to keep in mind about the H&R Block thing is that you can get a game card without having your taxes done at H&R Block (ie no purchase necessary). They have to do this or they are running a lottery, which is illegal. The odds of winning are absurdly low (the rules on their website say 1:237,002), but if you want to send in for a free game piece after doing your own taxes, it probably isn’t the biggest waste of time. Just pretty close.

  21. “but if you want to send in for a free game piece after doing your own taxes, it probably isn’t the biggest waste of time. Just pretty close.”

    HA!

  22. Back when I lived with O’Neil, back before google, he WAS google. I’d be eating cereal, have a random question, ask, and it would be answered.

  23. I bet o’neil could make big bucks letting Google Doctors™ cut him open and find out what makes his head so perfect for search queries. Robo’neil!

  24. have any of you seen specials about people that don’t work, they just send in for all those “no purchase neccessary” contests and make like $100,000 a year. the funniest thing about it was this 40 year old chick who did this was showing all her prizes from the year, which included a lifetime supply of trojan condoms. bitch had a refridgerator size stack of condom boxes in her living room. classy. i didn’t think the contest was illegal, i thought the advertising was too deceptive… they make a 1 in a million seem like a 1 in 3… but i suppose vegas advertising isn’t all that different. i really don’t mind it because it’s absurd to me, but obviously a lot of other people are intriged by it, so it’s kind of dangerous without controls, but then again stand up comedy is dangerous for all the same reasons, so i guess it’s just the american way… let people do whatever they want and force everyone else to adjust themselves to defend against it. basically it all contributes to the dumbing down of america, and making us as a species less and less valuable to ourselves. it’s a natural countdown just like from independance day… somewhere an ugly gay jew is terrified and calling his mother.

  25. why the fuck is everyone so up in arms about bush talking about “Congress, make the tax cuts PERMANENT!”…. uh… if politics was “permanent” then why do we need politicians? if tax cuts were proposed, and put into law, then… uh… they are law. someone decided that it was dangerous to make them permanent, so when the time comes, vote again then. “addicted to oil”. jesus fucking christ. we’re addictted to not changing, not oil. oil is a red herring. cars are stupid. that “don’t shun your responsibilities for an easier life” (side note: i have done this) also continues to piss me off… so what are we supposed to do? work harder so our lives will be easier? our lives need no more innovation… i mean, our lives are already so interestingly simple that the lives in and of themselves act as our entertainment. we have every opportunity to work smarter, not harder, and thusly lead the simplest fullest lives possible. george bush does not agree. he is trying to keep the debt ridden working man a reason to keep working, stop thinking, and keep spending. so fucking dumb. i hate everything about george bush’s ideals. i hate everything about anyone that would defend george bush’s ideals in any way. some might argue that those ideals are required to keep this country going… well… i’m not willing to pay that price. let the pieces fall where they may, i’m fucking sick of it.

  26. i’m so sick of it, that i’m even sick of being sick of it. i think i might move to mexico and become a dirty cop taking bribes from tourists. either that or a pastry chef in holland.

  27. why politics enrages me: nothing is ever implied from what a politician says, but if you are smart enough to understand politics (there is a reason politics and poker both start with po), then you understand that by HOW they DON’T imply something, they are actually implying something else, and that something else is always crap throwing retarded, yet they can never be confronted because “that’s not what i said”. so then to confront them you have to play the same game. the democrats are trying to bust out of that cat and mouse game because they realize they have evolved into the mouse. it won’t work unless they come straight out and say the country is fucked… are you going to be the democrat that does that? exactly.

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