Denali Ship Trip

As we pulled up to the Warfield in a cab, the first thing I noticed was the marquee reading “QUICKBOOKS ROCKS!” Are you ready for some ridiculousness, whazzmaster? As is typical for these types of affairs, there was a guy dressed like Jimi Hendrix really thrashing on an inflatable guitar just through the entranceway, and some Boy George man-woman was encouraging people to get tattoos of the fake variety. Everyone went nuts for the tattoos, as I stayed back a distance. “Are you getting one?!” they’d ask. No, I don’t want any tattoos, real or fake, on my body. The next morning Judd stumbled into the bathroom and reportedly asked himself, “What the fuck is that on my neck?!” He went a bit overboard on free fake tattoos. I think that the tattoo lady was into him, but don’t worry Amanda, he ran away.

So the big news turned out to be just a cover band. Meanwhile, I was hunting for the “Backstage” area where the pink champagne and karaoke was. I found it later on, but it was underwhelming to say the least. The reverb on this dude’s karaoke setup was fer shit, and they didn’t even have Bust-A-Move. I did bust out a few new jams this time though: Mary Jane by Rick James? You know I got that, Young Jeezy. As a comedy warmup I tried I Want it That Way by Backstreet Boys and that train went off the tracks very quickly. Sorry Intuit, for fucking up a backstreet boys song. On the plus side, many people afterwards told me, “That was as good as the real Backstreet Boys,” with smirks on their smug faces. Shoulda just launched a left jab into their jaw.

Did a run-in and held down the fort for two managers doing Rapper’s Delight.

Afterwards I was plenty lubricated and got dragged down Market St to a bar called either Mr. Smith’s, Mrs. Smith’s, or Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s. It was your typical trendy SF bar. I had on a brewers shirt and a backpack. The bouncer said, “You got anything bad in that backpack?” I responded, “Umm, shaving cream and a toothbrush.” He waved me in; I guess I didn’t look all that threatening. Don’t remember a whole lot about dancing there in the basement, except for the fact that I danced in the basement. I vaguely recall everyone yelling, “GO WHITE BOY! GO WHITE BOY!” as I did a little dance, but who knows if it was fueled by sarcasm at my ineptness or genuine admiration of my ability to FUCKING KICK IT.

Judd and I had traded a spare ticket to the event for a place to drunkenly pass out at the end of the evening, which we did in spades. I woke up on a strange bed, in a strange house, with a large, strange dog curled up next to me. Judd fared somewhat worse, as he woke up on a couch, and when he stood to go to the bathroom he stepped in a giant puddle of piss that the large dog had left for him. When we left the house to go back downtown, we got out the security door and a half-block up until we realized we had no goddamned clue where we were. Neither of us remembered anything about the cab home, and while we were fairly certain we were still within the geographical boundaries of San Francisco, there weren’t too many hints forthcoming. Then I found Sutro Tower and said, “Hey, that’s that thing on Cal’s belt. I think I know where we are.” It turned out we were in Laurel Heights, which I found to be pleasant on our walk through it to catch a bus on California. I’m thinking about looking for a spot there.

The rest of the day I spent with the parents shopping through downtown like a storm. They bought me stuff like whoa: a shirt, cufflinks, and some deodorant. I bought myself complimentary crap: undershirts, $28 Ecko shoes, and another shirt. Then we went to House of Prime Rib on Van Ness. Delish, mon frerres. Sadly, I was a tuckered little guy after such a long day of hangover+parents+San Francisco, so I got home and passed out again at 9pm. Looking at my phone this morning, apparently all you scamps called me sometime after that.

I think we’re doing the Super Bowl at Winter’s in Pacifica. On the way we’re planning on stopping at a winery. OK, whoadie, let’s do this damn thang.

— but mary plays no games, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

33 thoughts on “Denali Ship Trip

  1. I thought this article would be awesome: “Some preacher dresses up as homeless man and begs outside of his own church, surprised at reaction.” Nope, he didn’t take this nearly far enough. I got the feeling like he acted like a rich suburban preacher’s version of the homeless, rather than like a real hobo.

  2. i heard that gilette is coming out with 5 blades, but schick is immediately hitting back with 6 blades… art dictates life… it’s been proven.

  3. My theory about mens razor blades it that eventually, there will be a mach 47. It will have 47 blades and you will place it on the side of your face, move it down 1/16 of an inch, and you will have shaved half your face. After that, there will be the gillette mask which will be a mask you put over your face with approximately 228 blades. Move it down 1/16 of an inch, and your face is totally shaved. Time shaving=3 seconds.

  4. i would like to make the public declaration of a reserved artist name i perhaps may drop platty albums under… welcome to the stage MC MADD COGNIZANT… BOOM! mc mc… uh oh uh oh… mc mc… uh oh uh oh.

  5. YO YO YO! society need to check itself, yo. mo blades = dumb, yo. dumb ain’t smart. dumb ain’t the future. HOLLA! infactually, just go pay barber man down the block to fix yo shit up thrice weekly… 1 blade… but that bitch al sharpton like a mother fuck, YA HEARD?!

  6. Were you and the dog both like, oh man, what did we do last night?

    Also, I use the old Sensor Excel, 2 blades, and I shake in my boots everytime an upgrade comes along because I’m afraid that they will CLX it. To me, the two balde system is best. Keep em sharp and all goes well. I did buy into the hype and tried the three blader when it came out, but it cut too close and it made me get in grown hairs on my neck. Not cool. I’m not going anywhere near a 4, 5 or 6 blade razor.

  7. i believe we can look to our friend the golden ratio for this basic economic value trend. fibonacci numbers contain the most perceived value. so that is 1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55,89,144,233. so to answer your question, when the 228 blade razor is the largest razor for sale, the 144 blade razor will still be accepted as the defacto standard, until the 233 blade monster comes out, and then people will clearly see the value in upgrading because the value of the change from 231 to 232 was less than that of 232 to 233, yet the change from 233 to 234 will be less than 232 to 233, so it’s an inflexion point. that is why the schick quatro has failed, yet the gilette 5 blade will be a huge success. obviously whoever funded the 228 blade razor is a completely fucking idiot, so i give it the mc mc thumbs down, yo.

  8. You failed to take into consideration the small “half blades” necessary to shave the moustache area and chin dimple. While your math skills initially make sense, clearly you don’t understand the ergonomic technology involved in creating a 200+ blade razor.
    S-N-A-P

  9. all i ever hear from the sensor excel 2 camp (and believe me, there are a lot of you out there, so don’t worry about it being CXL’d any time soon), well, they say the mach 3 doesn’t have the touch up power… well, the 5 blade fusion has a single blade on the back for detail work. wow! also they say the skin irritation from the 3 blades is LESSENED! WOW! everyone should buy the gilette fusion battery powered razor!! THAT WAY YOU CAN SHAVE! WHOOPEE!

  10. and seriously, what the christ is a half blade??? my understanding of the ergonomic technology involved in creating a 200+ blade razor is S-O-U-N-D. YA HEARD?!

  11. schick needs to come back and advertise an “8 blade razor”… how do they do that? 6 on the front, 2 on the back, and use the exact same reason as gilette for adding 2 more blades to the quatro… just want to make the blades closer together. this will happen. guaranteed. YA HEARD!! ?

  12. Sensor Excel 4 life. The folks at Gilett are a sneaky lot, and they’ve been adding one bonus 3-blader with each pack. Fuck that shit.

  13. remember all that talk about printing money and selling bonds… well here is a nice graph of it all, with a pretty obvious explanation why our country is essentially running on empty. the government is printing so much damn money that they are simply going to stop telling people how much money they are making. BRILLIANT!

  14. I think I’ve been using the same blades (all 3 of them!) for about a year and a half now. Seems to work. No foam/gel either.

  15. I’m bored. Please post. Feel free to comment on the following for my entertainment:

    Your favorite sandwich is…?

    If you could have any kind of dog, it would be a…

    The book that most informed your personality is…

    The city you wish you could move to is…

    What you would be doing with you life if you were a millionaire…

    If money were no object, but you had to take on a career, you would be a…

    What will it take for Timmer to actually post something….

    that concludes our session. thank you for your time.

  16. if i knew the answer to any of those questions, then i WOULD be a millionaire, and only then would i realize that i didn’t know what i would do with the money. money is worthless… people only think it isn’t.

  17. Your favorite sandwich is…? Roast beef and colby on rye with horseradish

    If you could have any kind of dog, it would be a… beagle

    The book that most informed your personality is… Magic of Krynn (thanks Zach)

    The city you wish you could move to is… anywhere in Door Co.

    What you would be doing with you life if you were a millionaire… Living in Door Co and not much

    If money were no object, but you had to take on a career, you would be a… the same as I have now, but taking less crap from my boss

    What will it take for Timmer to actually post something…. no idea

    Hopefully that was a source of at least some amusement.

  18. Your favorite sandwich is… cheese with cucumber, tomato, lettuce, cheese and either avocado or hummus.

    If you could have any kind of dog, it would be a… pizug

    The book that most informed your personality is… as a young man, Nine Stories, but now, maybe the Moviegoer or Confederacy of Dunces.

    The city you wish you could move to is… Las Vegas though San D is a-ok.

    What you would be doing with you life if you were a millionaire…same as now but on a grander scale.

    If money were no object, but you had to take on a career, you would be a… owner of either the Pub or Landmark.

    What will it take for Timmer to actually post something…. I could just call him and tell him to do it.

  19. Your favorite sandwich is…? Shaved turkey, Beaver Sweet Hot mustard, and Alpine Lace Swiss cheese on a toasted plain bagel.

    If you could have any kind of dog, it would be a… I am a bootlicker; the only dog I would want is a pug. I don’t like dogs in general, but I like Parker. For instance: I don’t like Quincy. My parents skittish dog would also not make my list.

    The book that most informed your personality is… actually, it was probably a book I read when I was young about two kids at camp, one of which is good at everything but hates it and the other who isn’t good at anything and hates it. The book is about their combined efforts to build a dam to flood the camp. Just found out what it was called: “I Want To Go Home“. Click the link and read the excerpt. What you should know is that the book spends the entire plot getting to that point where all hell breaks loose and then Rudy just deadpans the climax. I still think the idea of this book is hilarious, and fuck everyone who doesn’t agree. Here’s a kid who has the ability to win olympic medals in almost every sport known to man, and his idea of fun is building a dam out in the forest all summer so that on the last day it floods the entire camp and makes it so he can escape camp. And its told from the POV of a kid who isn’t good at shit, so he agrees that destroying the camp is the best way to go so he won’t have to play baseball and suck in front of the other campers. I could go on and on, and probably will later on.

    The city you wish you could move to is… hmm, Milwaukee maybe?

    What you would be doing with you life if you were a millionaire… throw a party in Hawaii. Those who know of my extended plans for this party know that it would be so awesome your face would melt if you looked directly at it.

    If money were no object, but you had to take on a career, you would be a… Racing Sausage.

    What will it take for Timmer to actually post something…. take Parker hostage and Lynn will force a post.

  20. dude, what the fuck? you said you’d post how you did… now i’m all wondering and shit. i had high hopes for 1,2,3… but now i’m not sure of anything.

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