The Punchline: Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky

I went to Pacifica-by-the-sea last night to attend a poker tournament (for charity, of course!) at the mysterious Moose (Mousse?) Lodge. Unfortunately, I got drunk before the tourney even started and then got into the free nachos. As I exited the bathroom a giant spider descended from the ceiling in front of me and I recoiled in semi-drunk horror. I carefully steered myself around it and back into the bar.

Tourney report: there were about 20 people, $50 buy-in and one $25 rebuy in the first hour. 2100 chips to start, starting blinds were 25-50, and within the first half-hour went to 100-200. Yeah, it was a shitty game. Everyone called everything, except for when I got AA and pushed preflop and then miraculously no one called. I ended up going all-in when it was 200-400 blinds and I had about 1700 chips in the big blind. I pushed with Q5, two callers: JJ and 44. Awesome. So I rebuy (HEY ITS FOR CHARITY) and push that two hands later with 44. I get called by AK, K on the flop, flop my nuts over to the bar to wait for GMC to finis– wait, he went out same hand.

From there we went to a bar that had karaoke and 6 patrons (not including bartendress and karaoke-runner). Oh you didn’t know, whazzmaster.com? Of course I did my schtick, but then Ryan pulled me out and we went to his place to watch the best Family Guy episode ever (Chris+Take On Me in supermarket). While there, I was presented with a ziploc bag with three pieces of beef jerky. Handwritten on the ziploc bag where one would normally place a date and contents note were the words “Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky”. I demanded to know how one acquires beef jerky belonging to a Major League Baseball manager, and was told it had something to do with the San Francisco Giants’ chef’s run-in with Barry Bonds… I think. At any rate, I passed out soon after eating Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky. I think somewhere in there I shrieked about it being spicy. I’m not sure; everythiing’s a little bit fuzzy.

Brewers are 5-0 and I’m happy as a clam. Today is the first day that the Brewers are doing the throwback jerseys (Sunday home games) and it looks pretty sweet. Even old Robin Yount from the Diamondbacks got into the act and wore the old pinstripes. Nice, Robin.

— For I be speaking from my parables and carry you beyond\The mic’s either a magic wand\Or it gets tragic like the havoc of a nuclear bomb\Then I grab your palm, no pulse you’re gone

76 thoughts on “The Punchline: Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky

  1. judd and i have a hospital tour/ registration with Good Sam at 7:30, but we may be able to swing by afterwards. I’d like to hear about your trip to Amsterdam…

  2. i am all for preperation for my pending arrival… but what does “ghost ride the whip” mean?

  3. consulting many e-40 approved urban slang definition sites, i feel i have a solid grasp on the intended usage. indeed…. i encourage ALL to ghost ride their whips. but be careful.

  4. one of the definitions was like “and then you get out on the mother fuckin roof, and let that mother fucker ride, and just ROCK THE BITCH!”. ghost riding sounds extremely oakland. adjective? city? both. stink me later weebles, i gotta once over on this cherry patch uptown, so i’mma getatcha. peace.

  5. down to 3 in a $30 SNG and i have 5000, one guy has 3000, and the other has 7000. blinds 200-400 and i’m in BB. SB pushes his 3000 and I call with K7. he flips up 76o and I say to myself: self, you are rich. flop is 7J8, turn 9, river: a ten. Nice one turd. Three hands later I push on his BB with KQ and he flips up A5. No K or Q, seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. Fuckin runner runner marathon bitch. He ran all the way from Jostleshire, England to take $30 of my money. I hope he chokes on it.

  6. Takin’ off to hang with Berfday Boy in downtown San Hozer. Holler at a player when you see me in the streets, bitch.

  7. WWWWhaz, if you catch this, AUSSIE DAILY… not sure if you’re up… but i have a good vibe ab out it. AUSSIE DAILY. CHAMPION! you?

  8. ok, aussie daily… haven’t played a pot… until i get TT UTG. blinds are 50, so i toss out a couple quarters and thus announce to the table, hey, maddddddddddd is gonna be in this one. scared? you should be. folds around to late middle position dude who goes black. twice. thats 200 to go lames… and the big blind calls and it’s on me. what do these guys have? honestly i think the raiser has a real nice hand. the kind of hand that would likely pay me off all the way if i hit my set. blind might have anything, but i likely got them beat and can use them against the raiser in numerous ninja judo moves most people don’t pick up on. i decide the 150 is…. PLUS EV! i call. flop KT2. hey hey hey! what do you want to do original raiser? 250. i push, other guy is long gone, he calls! show me AK, DONKEY! LOL ROFL BBQ FU OH SHIT FU FU KK NO NO NO KK>>>> BAH. so i start to get pissed bah bah bah… and for whatever reason, i give up hope. i NEVER give up hope… i watch the screen, i watch my percentage go down to nothing on the river, and then i miss, then i’m a ghost… but not today. today the T comes on the river. today i double up in the aussie. today the battle was won by the little guy. today we took a little something back. a little something that could turn in to a lot of somethings. a very lot of them indeed. so i bid you all a good day in poker, AND in other things.

  9. 20 left, and there is a familiar face with a 5:1 lead vs average stack and over 2:1 on second place. man, how could one shandra be so leevy?

  10. Lemme guess: two dudes limped, you pushed with A9os, got called by 55 and lost. The you pushed with 77 and lost to QJ anf then you wet yourself, called errone a Zerko and then you got into bed cuddled next to Rach and sucked your thumb until you passed out thinking to yourself… I needed the chips…

  11. 6 left… 40k, 30k, 28, 24, 22, 20. i have 22k. bah. i had 30k when i had the unstoppable lead, but instead of slowly moving around their 10k stacks, the donkeys just started pushing and creating some monsters. blinds 800 1600 and i’m in the big blinds with Q9s. button open limps (i never get this, but smart players do that shit to me all the time because i’ll go all in there a lot and pick up a couple bets… not right now though). so the sb limps, and we see a flop for a 4800 pot. flop QJ8. son of a fun. just what i didn’t want to see… am i going to check fold top pair with a draw? gotta bet, but at this stage any weak bet warrants a steal and i only got 20k left. do i bet 2k and fold to a raise? do i bet 4k and fold to a raise? 4k and commit? push now? 5k? 6k? i finally settled on 4k and commit just because i was crippling myself to the point that even a miracle would just make me normal again, so i really did need those chips asshole! he pushes, i call, and know i’m behind, but i figure my 9, T and Q and backdoor flush are all true outs. he flips up J8o for bottom 2 pair. chip leader pot… i miss and take a pittance of 300 home. even 2nd was over a thoooowwwwwwwwwwwwww. i fucked up. never go broke in an unraised pot with a Q in your hand. i broke a cardinal poker rule. i really thought i was going to win. sigh.

  12. fucking 6th… thats like the worst. there is a reason the tv poker shows start to air at 6… it is certainly an inflection point. the money is suddenly not a joke, but still REDiculously small in comparison to what the guy sitting on either side of you is probably going to get… and there are only 6 left you know… ONLY 6! FROM HUNDREDS! but if you get 6th, you are worthless…. STILL… you fought that battle, you made an accomplishment that many many players are simply UNABLE to do… and it’s still worthless… that is the nature of tourneys… if you cant get 1st… there is absolutely no reason to play. 6th isn’t winning. 6th is a slap in the face. 6th is a tease. and not a single damn person the entire tourney said one thing even remotely austrailian in the chat box. a COMPLETE disappointment. fucking 6th, YOU HOUNDS! are you happy now?! there are the facts you crave… 6th 6th 6th THE MARK OF THE BEAST!

  13. granted calling all in was not an instantanious decision… on a QJ8 flop he could have about a million hands that he would limp on the button with. he very well could have 9T and i’m drawing to 3 outs to chop. well… i have Q9, so the odds of that are rare, and even rarer than normal because i have a 9 myself… 9T of officially dismissed as far as relevence is concerned. he could of course have QJ, Q8, J8 and have me in bad shape. AQ or AJ? and he didn’t raise? why be tricky there with a hand that would like to know when it’s up against AK? i don’t buy it. AQ and AJ are out. so big pocket pair? eh… the limp, hit a set and bust me IS a valid strategy, but what are the odds he would get those cards AND decide to use it… pretty slim. so right now the QJ, Q8, J8 look like are best suspects on made hands… now lets look for draws. rainbow, flushes are out. KT keeps going through my head as very very likely…. limp with a king… if you get raised by the blind with an ace without a king, or a pocket pair below kings, you aren’t in that bad of shape… it is a good hand to do that limp on the button i suppose…. would they push with that? certainly. then we got QT, JT, 8T, 89, J9, and of course Q9 for the chop? so add all of those to the “just as likely” pool. now if you look at all of those, i’m ahead in a lot of them, dead in very few, and still drawing with a non-impossible chance on the rest. yes, it’s my life, but if i fold with 16k, what am i conceeding to? 4th? i just want double a pittance… i’m happy with that? fuck no… so yes, in the end i was getting paid 28.8:16 on a call where my ev was positive! at least in my head it was… then fucker beat me and none of it mattered. poker is for hebrews.

  14. i win though, and i got 44.8k and hogan is running around saying he is MAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. i am pretty much guaranteed 1st. so what was really at stake was the $300 more i would likely get if i folded and played for 4th if i lost and the 1500 more i would somewhat likely get if i won. so there i’m getting paid 5:1 on the call. just a shitty spot to be in. am i really going to fold?! COME ON. COLD DECK.

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