The Punchline: Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky

I went to Pacifica-by-the-sea last night to attend a poker tournament (for charity, of course!) at the mysterious Moose (Mousse?) Lodge. Unfortunately, I got drunk before the tourney even started and then got into the free nachos. As I exited the bathroom a giant spider descended from the ceiling in front of me and I recoiled in semi-drunk horror. I carefully steered myself around it and back into the bar.

Tourney report: there were about 20 people, $50 buy-in and one $25 rebuy in the first hour. 2100 chips to start, starting blinds were 25-50, and within the first half-hour went to 100-200. Yeah, it was a shitty game. Everyone called everything, except for when I got AA and pushed preflop and then miraculously no one called. I ended up going all-in when it was 200-400 blinds and I had about 1700 chips in the big blind. I pushed with Q5, two callers: JJ and 44. Awesome. So I rebuy (HEY ITS FOR CHARITY) and push that two hands later with 44. I get called by AK, K on the flop, flop my nuts over to the bar to wait for GMC to finis– wait, he went out same hand.

From there we went to a bar that had karaoke and 6 patrons (not including bartendress and karaoke-runner). Oh you didn’t know, whazzmaster.com? Of course I did my schtick, but then Ryan pulled me out and we went to his place to watch the best Family Guy episode ever (Chris+Take On Me in supermarket). While there, I was presented with a ziploc bag with three pieces of beef jerky. Handwritten on the ziploc bag where one would normally place a date and contents note were the words “Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky”. I demanded to know how one acquires beef jerky belonging to a Major League Baseball manager, and was told it had something to do with the San Francisco Giants’ chef’s run-in with Barry Bonds… I think. At any rate, I passed out soon after eating Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky. I think somewhere in there I shrieked about it being spicy. I’m not sure; everythiing’s a little bit fuzzy.

Brewers are 5-0 and I’m happy as a clam. Today is the first day that the Brewers are doing the throwback jerseys (Sunday home games) and it looks pretty sweet. Even old Robin Yount from the Diamondbacks got into the act and wore the old pinstripes. Nice, Robin.

— For I be speaking from my parables and carry you beyond\The mic’s either a magic wand\Or it gets tragic like the havoc of a nuclear bomb\Then I grab your palm, no pulse you’re gone

76 thoughts on “The Punchline: Felipe Alou’s Beef Jerky

  1. Oog, bad 7th inning for the Crew. Yost left Capuano in there about 2 hitters too long. GIVE THEM FELIPE ALOU’S BEEF JERKY IT WILL GIVE THEM POWER!

  2. did you ever figure out where the jerky came from? does he make it? does he have it made special for him? was it poisoned and destined to be given to him by his sworn enemy had you not intercepted the bag and consumed it’s contents yourself? will the caped duo make it out alive?

  3. The War on Bees

    As you know, a bee recently stung me. Now, if a bee crosses me, it dies. Examples:

    1. I saw a bee struggling in the pool. I extended a flip-flop, got him on dry land, and then as he coughed and regained his wits, I brought the flip-flop down on his skull.
    2. Both our bedroom and the living room open to the porch, so if both blinds are open, you can see from the bedroom to the living room. I was in bed about to doze off when I spied a bee enter the house via the open porch door (we leave it open for Parker; he enjoys watching traffic). I rushed to the living room, flip-flop in hand, and smashed the bug into the window.

    If a bee is going about its own business (such as pollinating flowers), we have no beef. But when it enters my personal space, it dies.

  4. Back in the old days there was a waitress at the Living Room who CAL (big surprise) had a crush on. Her name was Ann or Kate or Julie. One day we started talking about the Sunday comics (I had recently given them up) and she told us the Boondocks was really cool because it was political. I dismissed her, the Boondocks, and CAL in one fell swoop and went back to snorting lines of scotch.

    Now Adult Swim made a cartoon and I LOVE IT. I still don’t like CAL. I guess I’m lukewarm at best with the fool female.

  5. Holy shit: I forgot Old Grannis was Mcteague’s best man. What an odd choice. Also:

    We’ve no use for toys,” muttered Mcteague, looking at her in perplexity. Old Grannis smiled discreetly, raising a tremulous hand to his chin.

  6. oh man you almost achieved “Recent Comments” domination! One away! you must have passed out after 4:09. I have no recollection of the boondocks discussion but i will tune in and watch the new cartoon. Man how do you have bees and pool weather, we’re in the same state and all I get is cold rain. No bees no pool, just rain rain rain I looked at the forecast for the week and every day had a cloud with lighting bolts and big drops. Every day! Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday. We had 24 days of rain in March. It was a record. Most march rain since 1904. great record thanks for that record atmosphere! I hate you atmosphere!

  7. That’s what we get for living in northern california, I guess. Less “pool weather” and fewer “bees”…more “clouds with lightning bolts and big drops”. So much for Sunny California!! I’m ready for summer already…

  8. Just 2 weeks, 4 days, and 4 hours (working days and hours, that is. I’m not counting the weekends) until my maternity leave starts!!! I can’t wait to get out of this stress-filled hell-hole they call the office! No one should have to work like this while lugging around an extra 40 or so lbs. of baby!

  9. Don’t worry about Judd. His company pays for his two weeks of paternity leave (my company doesn’t pay SHIT), which he can take anytime within the first year of our baby’s life…So, he’s planning on taking that along with some vacation/ sick time to spend about a month at home with me and the baby.

  10. yeah but we posted at the same time so we’re in love and i’m sorry, you know, but judd… but we posted… so maybe what i’m saying is that maybe it should be cal and baby home for a month is all i’m saying. you, me, baby, posting together. big rain drops, love, bees, parker and traffic, flipe alou. i love my new family.

  11. If cal watched your baby it would be weaned off breast milk and onto granola and carrot/beet/apple/ginger juice by day six.

  12. I got my plane tickets to madddd’s and oneil’s wedding.

    Maddd, pick me up at 12:05am on THR the 8th and shuttle me over to the nearest cardroom.

    If any of you cali agents want in, we arrive Minneapolis on the 6th and we are renting a car for the Lutsen leg of the trip. We are driving back on Sunday and we fly back on Monday.

  13. on this day in got me caught up on the life of mike d… descado the strong. a hero’s hero. anyways, i found a lot of interesting poker strategy in this piece about fighting knowledgable fighters. in a nutshell that IS poker. the old, i think you’ll do this, so i’ll do this… but wait, i’m clever and you may know that, so you may this this OR this, so i’ll do THIS and then you’re fucked either way! the old i know you are but what am i. the end. the kill. i bet descado would be a great poker player. i shall train him.

  14. i have a counter theory on evolution i may share with the world someday. ground breaking theoretical economics that the world just isn’t ready for. at least not yet. certainly not today.

  15. new spike lee movie, the inside man, is a very good piece of modern film making. everything about it was cutting edge real to the streets current, but you could never dismiss it as such because it was MAD real. it’s isn’t unhumanly difficult to break the movie down enough to find a few dead spots, but perhaps those were also cleverly inserted by the film maker to represent the many cancers that face all living economys. well… rethinking some of the spots i thought were like this… it’s sort of interesting because if you removed that spot, you would also have to remove a spot before that spot at some point AND after that spot at some point. everything had two branches, which also represented the fundamental reason the plan of the bad guys (good guys?) would work. it was art representing art representing life representing life representing art. spike lee just messing with our minds again in a pleasing and interesting way. also, the subtext regarding diamonds was priceless. i’ll save that as an exercise for the reader.

  16. Mom, tell dad that scientist sent me his family tree info. Now all he has to do is write a program representing the sql database in human readable terms and he can happily go about his family-tree-preparin’ biznizz.

  17. Oh yeah, Ashley, did you teach Mom how to read and post comments yet? If not, hop to it YOU’REONMYSPACE YOUSHOULDKNOWHOWTOWRITEWEBPAGES,

  18. ya gotta let it marinate… it’s like one of those stand ups that goes out and gets the crowd as bad as he could possibly imagine, then work from there. it’s the raise every other hand preflop game. the humor in the above video is their analagitical play on the turn and river. they knew what they were holding… and they definately knew what we were holding… and like i said, the professor bets 20. busted straight assholes. but i made it work. with style.

  19. where i started to appreciate it? “welcome to eggtown… population… EGG.” at which point our rebel heroes throw and EGG at the remaining eggs in the carton. ok… i get it… IRONY! whew, it only took about 24 levels of obscurity before we made that UNDENIABLY clear. GRAND show. fucking college boys.

  20. BLAYBITY BLAH, but what if like, the universe is really like a pin head in an even bigger universe man, and we’re all like atoms or some shit man? shut up college boy.

  21. religions stated goals for the future better be stated very quickly, or a large uprising will consume us all.

  22. that uprising? unionization at all oreo cookie plants. the ends of that hostile action? the end of the world. the initial catalyst? oreo cookies cost $900 a dozen. global economic shift… the usual suspect. remember… unions are dangerous! especially in industries as vunerable to attack as industrial dessert manufacturing. O-R-E-O-….. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

  23. sweet. self love. even though the master installed an anti self love device on the posting script…. with all sorts of DANGER, 10 seconds… DANGER, NO POST! white background! DANGER! loook…. all you have to do is hit F5, then enter to repost… it’s ok… everyone is doing it. you won’t get hurt… go ahead… self love…. the waters fine….. come on in…..

  24. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. no ticket. but i got more cash than the 1st guy to get the ticket… so assuming i wouldn’t have cashed in the grand prix, i’m actually better off…. but assuming i would have won the grand prix, well, i just ruined my life. either way, i am simply exhausted.

  25. 9th. who gets 9th? losers. fucking donkeys that won 2 flips in a row to afford ERRORadic play leading up to the final table. this is the dude at the table wearing a hat that is in any way related to something dealing with BOATS. this chump knows enough, but he should not be here. he gets 9th. today i’m the idiot wearing the mecury motors black company polo. i’m so fucking lame. 9th place in the oil. what the christ.

  26. San Hoser’s forecast today sucks big phat balls. Currently, it’s 61, cloudy and windy. No blue sky in sight. There is rain likely tonight (80-90% chance)…Scotty, beam me to a tropical island immediately!!

  27. Oh yeah, and for all y’all that forgot or didn’t care, The Madd Scientist is coming into town this weekend. Get your thizz face ready and ghost ride the whip!

  28. cal: I’ll talk to Judd about your “proposal”. I gotta tell you, in all honesty, he may not be too thrilled about it. I mean, he really doesn’t like the idea of a baby being weaned off breastmilk and onto a carrot/apple/ginger juice diet that early in life. He wants to wait at least two weeks for that.

    maddddddd: I saw that movie just a couple of days ago, and I thought it was great. Good job, Mr. Lee, Mr. Washington, Mr. Owen (he makes a great good/bad guy, don’t you think?), and Ms. Foster!!

  29. I have been informed of the imminent arrival of the scientist by my wonderful husband. I am ready to party!! hehe..

  30. it’s 70 and sunny again here today… weeeeeeee. finally the 5 months of the year it doesn’t compeltely suck! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  31. Aight, I didn’t wanna make a big deal about it, but since I haven’t heard back from anyone about goin out tonight I gotta try something different. If anyone out there is interested, come get a drink with Sara and I tonight at Trials in SJ. We’ll be there ’round 9’ish. It’s my berfday.

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