In today’s episode of Stupid People Zach Wants To Push Down A Flight Of Stairs, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel alerts us to the epidemic of people buying celly ring tones from companies with names like “Dirty Hippo” and then being surprised when they get scammed. Stupid enough, but the spokesman the paper found for this special class of theoretical economic professors made me choke on the pumpkin seeds I was eating.
Jared Humphrey thought it would be fun to have his cell phone sound like a police siren when it rang, so he responded to a Jamster TV ad he thought was offering a free ring tone. When he learned it would cost $2.99, he said, he canceled his order. Months later he was still being charged, he said.Humphrey was so irked by Jamster’s tactics that he started an online petition called “Stop Jamster” aimed at changing the way the company runs its business. So far nearly 2,000 people have signed it, adding comments about Jamster such as “misleading, deceptive, frauds and cheats.”
“I thought it was kind of scandalous,” Humphrey said. “Once you’ve sent an initial text message, it’s almost impossible to get in touch with them.”
Jared, friend, you wanted to buy a police siren ring tone because the TV told you. You deserve to have $2.99 charged to your banking accounts every month for the rest of your life, and after you die your estate should continue to be charged until such a time when the trees no longer bloom and the rocks themselves have crumbled to dust under the inexorable heel of Time. YOU WANTED YOUR CELL PHONE TO SOUND LIKE A POLICE SIREN EVERY TIME IT RANG, YOU DOLT. Sit on it Potsie, I’ve got no patience for retards like you.
[UPDATE]: No, fuck this, I’m not done yet, because I just read that quote again and it pisses me off even more. He didn’t just want his cell phone to sound like a police siren. No, no: he thought it would be FUN. Fun?! Fun! FUUUNNNNNNNNNN? RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR. No, it’s not fun. It’s actually the opposite of fun. It’s anti-fun. It’s a mustache-twirling supervillian’s idea of fun. Man, if only people like this were charged an amount… say…. $2.99 every time they engaged in fun like this, and possibly an additional $2.99 for all the fun for every month thereafter until they perished (most likely doing something “fun” like drunkenly running through construction sites at midnight) it would be great. Thanks “Dirty Hippo” for identifying all the fun-loving people on earth who should be strapped to a rocket and shot at Neptune. And when they go, please god can we strap a police siren to their heads?