Extra! Read All About It! Man Stupid!

In today’s episode of Stupid People Zach Wants To Push Down A Flight Of Stairs, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel alerts us to the epidemic of people buying celly ring tones from companies with names like “Dirty Hippo” and then being surprised when they get scammed. Stupid enough, but the spokesman the paper found for this special class of theoretical economic professors made me choke on the pumpkin seeds I was eating.

Jared Humphrey thought it would be fun to have his cell phone sound like a police siren when it rang, so he responded to a Jamster TV ad he thought was offering a free ring tone. When he learned it would cost $2.99, he said, he canceled his order. Months later he was still being charged, he said.Humphrey was so irked by Jamster’s tactics that he started an online petition called “Stop Jamster” aimed at changing the way the company runs its business. So far nearly 2,000 people have signed it, adding comments about Jamster such as “misleading, deceptive, frauds and cheats.”

“I thought it was kind of scandalous,” Humphrey said. “Once you’ve sent an initial text message, it’s almost impossible to get in touch with them.”

Jared, friend, you wanted to buy a police siren ring tone because the TV told you. You deserve to have $2.99 charged to your banking accounts every month for the rest of your life, and after you die your estate should continue to be charged until such a time when the trees no longer bloom and the rocks themselves have crumbled to dust under the inexorable heel of Time. YOU WANTED YOUR CELL PHONE TO SOUND LIKE A POLICE SIREN EVERY TIME IT RANG, YOU DOLT. Sit on it Potsie, I’ve got no patience for retards like you.

[UPDATE]: No, fuck this, I’m not done yet, because I just read that quote again and it pisses me off even more. He didn’t just want his cell phone to sound like a police siren. No, no: he thought it would be FUN. Fun?! Fun! FUUUNNNNNNNNNN? RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR. No, it’s not fun. It’s actually the opposite of fun. It’s anti-fun. It’s a mustache-twirling supervillian’s idea of fun. Man, if only people like this were charged an amount… say…. $2.99 every time they engaged in fun like this, and possibly an additional $2.99 for all the fun for every month thereafter until they perished (most likely doing something “fun” like drunkenly running through construction sites at midnight) it would be great. Thanks “Dirty Hippo” for identifying all the fun-loving people on earth who should be strapped to a rocket and shot at Neptune. And when they go, please god can we strap a police siren to their heads?

— WOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOO

39 thoughts on “Extra! Read All About It! Man Stupid!

  1. I, also, used Turbo Tax; it was free through the irs website. I also racked up a $2300 state and federal refund. Cha-ching. Becoming a lawyer involves losing that silly nagging deadweight of a moral conscience, and I’m lovin it.

  2. Some say don’t waste time on the mic if it don’t rhyme. I say that it’s ok not to rhyme. Here goes:

    1. Nice writing zach. Your ability to articulate rage against benign matters is shockingly potent. A very enjoyable read.
    2. I painted my fingernails pink…ha ha ha: just pretending that I’m BigJ.
    3. Oh man. Vince was just smitten by lighting. More to come…

  3. I’m hard at work on a batch of red beans that is really shaping up. I just pulled a tasty move: the trilogy and garlic left a layer in the pan, so I added a cub of chicken bullion, butter and a cup of water and boiled until it all came off, creating a magic soup. I tasted some with my finger and I almost passed out.

  4. I think it goes back to childhood: my sister and stepsister always did the laundry. I was a lawn mower, a mover of snow, and after my stepbrother left for the Navy, the family garbage man. The first time I operated a laundry machine was in college.

  5. Hey manders, tell the story about the time that madd and whazzmaster crashed your romantic dinner. That would be a good thing to whazz about. I’d say a good 200 word story.

  6. Hardly a peep outta me about the Brewers. Well, I’m a little more calm about it, but rest assured: I’ve listened to every game on my XM Satellite radio, a couple we know wants to do a shot every time Carlos Lee hits a homerun (I owe 6, I guess…)and, you know, I got five bucks on them winning the World Series.

  7. When is the last time each of you saw Eroz? For me, it’s my wedding Did he really order that big soup? Oh my…

  8. Speaking of the original whazzman, Cal used to live in Chicago, and I used to live with Eros. Often, along with lawman, we bombed down for Baseball or drinking or both. Once Kcar even came along, and he drank the most beer I’ve ever seen him drink.

    Cal lived in Chicago’s Wicker Park (A neighborhood where MTV shot Real World 11: Chicago and High Fidelity was set), and along with a bevy of lovelies, rented the house that Hollywood used for outside shots of the house that Kevin Bacon’s character, David Labraccio, lived in in the movie Flatliners.

    One night, the squad was out for dinner, and the waitress brought a tray of drinks that included some bottles of High Life, a Gin and Tonic, a Jameson on the rocks, and something tall, fruity and blended.

    Cal dismisses the waitress with a wave of his hand, as if he were an emperor, “take that thing away, no one ordered that.”

    The waitress, confused, looks across to Eros who meekly raises his hand, “that’s mine. I have a bit of a sore throat…”

  9. i quite enjoyed your conversation with yourself…. when one of me you and WM are in physical contact with each other this places dies like a polar bear due to global warming… a funny side note, at around 10:50pm last night, just as you were bitching on here about hating laundry and folding is the main reason… me and WM were having the exact same conversation with the exact same conclusion. love?

  10. got 2nd in the 20 omaha o8 tourney last night… only because i told my chauffeure to crash into a wall and the mother fucker did it. jesus christ dude had heart. didn’t even 2nd guess me…….. BOOM! big ups.

  11. got last or whatever in that 10 SNG with you… fucker got runner runner queen to scoop. they only shot he had. B. i won’t even say bah. NO! i’ve shortened it to B in this case. B.B>B>B>bb.b.B! RUNNING QUEENS!#^!#^

  12. i just did a google search for “running queens”…. just found out that was the name of the band CAL was in back in high school! hahahahashahah! ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ITS TRUE!#%^LKDSHAHAHAHAHAHA

  13. hey mr. h… you ever heard of running queens? they got this guy CAL on drums. yes, mr h, THAT cal. the one that reads whazzmaster.com and likes to run. tony wouldn’t say that… wait i’m tony… no more accent. oh shit this first third person writing is harder than you would think, MR H! thanks for teachin me and learnin all that writen skills…. you know, when yous wasn’t flyin around in your cape with that dame? hahaha, just checkin mr h.

  14. i just invented a knew way to represent music. imagine two buttons… when you press button 1 down, it makes sound 1. when you press button 2 down, it makes sound 2. when you release button 1, you get sound 3. release button 2, sound 4. now the representation of a “song” starts with the initial state of the 2 buttons. now on every “beat” you must take one of the two options presented to you given the current state of the buttons. if you’re action involves button one, it is marked in the song as “1”. if the action involves button two, it is marked in the song as “2”. the initial states are denoted as button number then a + for pressed on and – for off. a | character devides the intial state from the song data. so here is a 2 button song: 1+2-|11212221212222121222112. now in real life that is a compression algoritm if you store the 1’s and 2’s and 0’s and 1’s in binary bits because you are getting 4 bits per bit as long as it plays the 4 “sounds” according to the rules of the “music”. perhaps it would be good for compressing songs? perhaps a better compression algorithm could be made for every genre, focusing in on the patterns of different base stylings. i digress however. now take this and do it for 8 buttons weilding 16 “sounds”…. i think if you took a base song, and then applied it to this 2nd level of music, that it would spurt out INFINITE reiterations of the same crap indistinguishable from each other unless you understood how the buttons work. well i just told you… now everyone go out and write a button song! they are fun and cool, and CAL loves writing them!

  15. checked the tivo and there is a new robot chicken so i decided not to goooooooooooooooooo off to bed. instead i am enjoying the show so far. then bed. then pickin up R over her job to get go rent a carpet cleaner.

  16. HOLY SHIT. here is our trillion dollar idea. above nonsense post…. IMPLEMENT THAT SHIT. all we need is a form input that accepts the “song” string, and 1 file upload dialog per sound for the user to upload, or maybe it could even use it locally, which would be better for bandwidth costs…. anyways, the shit just takes their sounds and plays the song according to those simple rules above. pretty dumb, huh? well, throw fucking “internet community” on top of that and you’ve got a guaranteed hit. people can pick how many buttons they want up to 8 and save it and then anyone else can write songs for THOSE 8 sounds and they would all be grouped together… so if a certain 8 sounds for whatever reason really sound awesome for this new IDEA behind music, then people will flock to it and make it their own with the simply defined higher layer. that shit would be wild fire and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo frickin easy to implement… just firing off .wav files into a audio processor on beat according to simple rules and string walking. fucking cake. 120 lines. ROBBLE ROBBLE?

  17. oh, and how i got the idea for this music and why i think it would work on a higher level… i bought a container of “buddy bears” brand gummi bears at blockbuster. yes, i go to blockbuster. yes, i buy gummi bears there. well this was 16oz small container with a 6 or 7″ diameter lid. well, take the lid with the label facing away from you and put your middle 3 fingers of each hand on the outter edge of the ridged ring. now put your two thumbs on the inner edge of the ridged ring. congratulations, you are ready to play. button 1 is your left thumb, and button 2 is your right thumb. remember to play ON BEAT and FOLLOW THE RULES. if you do, you will be freestylin like no ones business in NO TIME. it is HOT on the streets y’all. i JUST wrote it. COP THAT SHIT. $2.99 for the buddy bears, and an excuse to get out of the house and check out the kind of people that STILL go to blockbuster. if blockbuster or buddy bears dont figure out who i am and send me free shit i will be disappointed, and of course will MAKE MY DISAPPOINTMENT KNOWN. COP THOSE BUDDY BEARS Y’ALL! and after you BANG OUT A KICKIN NEW BEAT, post that shit in BUTTONSCRIPT up on herrrrrr… well, at least until we get the new site up. oh, and for different sounds to switch up what is possible in this new GENRE of music, just change the position of your thumbs around the ridge…. if you are on the tip of a ridge it is different than if you are on the base… and there is range in between. remember, this is only one representation of one implementation of BUTTONSCRIPT. the possibilities are as endless as they are pointless, but no one cares! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

  18. also, in all honesty robot chicken was more shocking than anything. they are definately takin a step in an obvious direction setting up a next move. not sure what that could be, but if they keep going there the show will die. and somehow observing that play out is all i can hope for at this point.

  19. One of the greatest late-night Scientist reads ever. Man, you know I’m down to ROBBLE or DIE on that 1211 Music Idea. Let’s get rich, move to Oklahoma and just live at my aunt’s house.

  20. Mary J. Blige on God’s plan for her: “My God is a God who wants me to have things. He wants me to bling. He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block.”

    Holy crap, that is now my main motto.

  21. The day is Easter Sunday 2006. The city is San Jose. It was a somewhat sunny, somewhat cloudy, somewhat drizzly Sunday afternoon. The newlywed couple had just spent the better part of the lazy afternoon wandering around Santana Row, peeking in at the few shops that were open for the holiday and browsing the bookstore for books on baby names. Even though they had partaken in a massive Easter buffet only a few hours before, the eight-month-pregnant wife had already begun to feel the first signs of hunger again. The happy couple continued to walk the Row, debating on the various restaurants available. The husband, being the thoughtful person that he always was, told his wife that, while he wasn’t really in the mood for Mexican food, he would be willing to eat wherever she wanted. The wife, being the indecisive person that she always was, couldn’t make up her mind, although the hunger was intensifying every moment. After stopping in at the local cafe to grab a bottled water, the two of them headed towards the car, where they snacked on toasted almonds and dried apricots. While the wife inwardly debated on where to eat, the husband chatted on the phone with his sister, mostly about baby names. Finally, the wife started the car and exited the parking lot, choosing a restaurant across the road from Santana Row – the site of their first date, actually – The Cheesecake Factory. She had suddenly gotten a craving for the fire-roasted artichoke and the miso salmon. Finding parking almost immediately, the two walked into the restaurant and were seated within moments. Hoping for a romantic dinner together, they were disappointed in the table offered them – a “regular” table, with their neighbors so close they might as well have been at the same table – but decided not to make a big deal out of it. They had been seated not even five minutes (hadn’t even gotten their bread and water yet) when all remaining hope of romance and intimacy was dashed to pieces by two men in a booth across the way, shouting accusations of “stalking”. After a moment of confusion and amazement at the situation, the happy-but-slightly-disappointed couple eventually resigned to the idea that romance for them would simply have to wait until later that evening………….

  22. I marched against police brutality today. What did I want? JUSTICE. When did I want it? NOW. Marching, chanting; all in all good times were had by all. Then I came back to school and rocked the 4th amendment review session, thanks in no small part to Lawman. Thanks, dude.

  23. Hi you people! Aspiring novelist if you are saying what I think you are saying (I am incredibly perceptive) and if you are who I think you are and if my keen sense of knowing who you are and what you are saying is correct then congratulations! That is fantastic news, we are all much much much older than michael springer ever was. Scientist I am glad you are well and home safely. I don’t have any news to report but that is ok today is a sunny day with no rain so that is enough for me.yours, bold cal

    ps hello to jen and lawman o’neil

  24. yeah cal, you are more wrong than you know. also, i realized in my sleep the button numbers and | character are unneccessary. so that same song above could just be represented as +-11212221212222121222112. if there are more than 10 numbers, huffman encoding can be used, but in general this type of 2nd level music would stop working after about 8 buttons, so just don’t worry about it….. CAL!

  25. if the song shit is community based, it would have to make the user upload the sounds so they would be available to everyone else. also, 3 stage buttons could also be introduced requiring a way to say which way you want to go if the button is currently in the middle. i really think you could figure out a combination of sounds per button and number of buttons and very specific sounds that would make a unique sounding music that was pleasurable and extensible. trivializing art is fun!

  26. 6 buttons would allow for one octive of basic notes including half notes, now arrange that shit over the buttons in different ways and see what comes out. my korg triton pro has this “arpeggiator” that lets you play a chord and then it spurts out seemingly random variations of that chord, but it has a certain familiarity and melody to it…. perhaps that is the implementation of this concept… who knows… but i really think there is something here.

  27. once again cal, you could not be more wrong. the guitar game has no rules. i am simply allowing for a methodology to defines states within music. the guitar game allows for no such storage of states. you can always go from blue to orange. with my buttons if button 1 is pushed, you don’t even have the option of playing that note again. you are always bouncing and dipping and moving. DOWN GOES FRASIER! also, i think this has tons of poker implications as well. you just need to have more buttons than the other guy… perhaps they can only keep track of 3 different 2 state buttons… well… if you can manage 5 different 3 state buttons, they have no chance of ever “understanding” you. they can’t get a read on you , because the way they think simply can’t represent the proper rules. maybe it will even yield the elusive prime generating function.

  28. if you WANTED the same note twice in a row, you could assign the same song to multiple states of different buttons and then that would be a possibility for a melody to develop around the underlying rules. i really think most “creativity” in anything could be squeezed through this “intellectual juicer” and indistinguishible genius would constantly spurt out the other end. and if you put that power in the hands of a moron, he will play with it until he dies. it’s the FUTURE!

  29. ok, here we go. now each button can have 3 sounds… not sure how the rules should force you to apply them, but instead of 1, we use A. now if the button is off, and the note is “a” then you go halfway down to play the first song. in this state an “A” plays the sound for the button entirely pressed, and an “a” gets you back to the unpressed state. from the fully pressed state an “a” gets you back to the middle, and an “A” sends you to unpressed land. so thats 3 states represented in 2 bits and you can always go between all 3. maybe this is even the answer for quantum computing… a 3 bit switch for the price of 2… either way, the hits will be BANGIN.

  30. i’m not saying that this will ALWAYS yield enjoyable music… just that once it does, it will CONTINUE to do so. why do i think that? go buy a tub of gummi bears and start jamming…. you can’t NOT rock your ass off. organized chaos.

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