I Flopped Trips in the Ducky Derby

Every once in a while something incredibly dumb happens in Wisconsin. It typically happens when clueless white folks think themselves above a particular law. Case in point: gambling. My suburban homes-slices are always decrying the social ills that befall a state that supports gambling, right before they rush off to Vegas with the 401k money. Similarly, most of the Planet Earth (but especially Wisconsin) doesn’t seem to understand that gambling is gambling is gambling. Why is 100 white people floating ducks down a river for $10 apiece different than black guys rolling craps in a kitchen for $1000? “It’s for charity!” I said that with a sneer on my face, FYI. That’s YOU, that’s what YOU idiots sound like in this Journal-Sentinel article. I’ve never understood why churches are allowed to let people gamble away while Joe’s Casino is illegal. For that matter, why are state lotteries even legal? Nothing makes sense in this country when it comes to gambling, that I understand, but a little less faux outrage when you can’t gamble whenever and wherever you feel like would go a long way to making me actually emphathize with these jackasses. Instead we get:

When Penny Funk completed a state application to hold a “Ducky Derby” fund-raiser in Owen last summer, she wanted to make sure her ducks were all in a row….

But the state Office of Charitable Gaming denied the group’s Ducky Derby application – it’s an illegal lottery, they said.

Funk cried foul.

“This is ridiculous,” she said. “You never would think (of) something as harmless as a rubber ducky race being illegal.”

State laws on gambling outlaw the rubber duck races, although they are held frequently across the state. Funk said she is now fishing for support to reverse the law.

“It’s harmless fun. It’s something a family can do,” she said. “I can’t see why it has to be so difficult to hold an event like that.”

In a duck derby fund-raiser, people buy rubber ducks, each with a different number. The ducks are placed in a pond or river for a race to a finish line. The person who has the winning duck gets a cash prize.

I will say this nice and slow. Idiot. You. Are. Betting. Money. On. The. Outcome. Of. A. Race. Where does the line get imaginarily drawn in your head, Penny Funk? What if I wanted to challenge you to a duck race for $1000 per duck? Would it stop being fun “for the whole family” then? Is it only ok if ducks are soberly raced? What if I was stinking drunk cheering on a duck I paid $1000 for? What if I celebrated by pushing the nearest kid on the ground and stomping him while I did a victory dance, cause this duck race JUST PAID FOR MY HAWAIIAN VACATION! No, you’d probably be horrified then, you weirdo. Well I DO want to duck race for $1000. But if my duck wins, I want to be able to push Penny in the Root River so she can be with those goddamn ducks she seems to love so much. Thanks for indoctrinating our kids in the ways of degenerate gambling, Ms. Funk. Our future generations thank you.


96 thoughts on “I Flopped Trips in the Ducky Derby

  1. sweet, i have o’neil backing me. i’ll put that on the yard signs. still running from the g-man btw…


  3. hey folks, i’m the madd scientist. i’d like to be your representative in the 3rd district. i have all kinds of ideas!


  5. That WWE book is called “the Big Apple Takedown” and it’s what cal’s gonna be readign when he loses our Dinger League bet.

  6. On a “suk it” note, I hate the really rapid, sloppy, crotch chops. Give me one crisp X combined with a slight thrust of the hips not that fluttery butterfly wings crap.

  7. Fucking poker… I build my $25 NL buyin to 65$. Along the way get in a huge shit talking match with shadyshea. I’m UTG with AA and tell him “see ya around asshole, this is my last hand”. I bet 5$ and he calls. We’re heads up. The flop is Q high. I bet 5$ and he min raises me back. I push he calls with JJ. J on the river. he had me covereddhusfhkfjhkdjhgd

  8. Then dude says “sup now, nugga”

    Fucker called me a nugga. The nerve. Cal! CAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. the odds of hitting that underpair set are about the same rolling YO-LEV in craps…. so think about how often you call for it and expect for it to hit in craps, and how often you have the overpair and call for it and expect it to miss in poker. say la vee. CAL’S DONGER HAS A DONGER!

  10. seven- out. line away…………… new shooter, new shooter, COMIN OUT! WATCH YOUR DICKS!

  11. i think that if we studied number theory in base 18 or base 36 that important breakthrus (like drivethrus) would be surfaced regarded prime numbers and prime factorization. why? because of the nature of yo-lev. yo-lev is 2 distinct items on 2 matches CUBES. the nature of the cube and it’s surfaces is key to this understand as it fairly represent a chunk of 3d spade through 2d representations of it’s bounds. now what are the odds? 1/18th. i started thinking about the fraction and all it’s derivative properties and my golden ratio part of my brain started humming. then i pulled out the calc… 1/18th is .05555555555555555 repeating. 5. pentagonal symmetry. mark of phi. 1/18th is a perfectly balanced number. it falls on the line of reason.

  12. look at the fun property of base 10 that had us all counting to 100 by 5’s in 1st grade… divisibility by 5… oooooh weeeee…. 5 5 5 makes everything so easy 5. 5. 5. 5 10 15 20 25 30 so easy! hey, is this crazy number 24639087406897349068304687454360 divisible by 5? well geez, you’d need a CRAY SUPER COMPUTER to figure something like that out! nope. the last digit is 0 or 5, so we know for a fact, YES 5 is a factor. thanks joe rogan for saying that. but it isn’t part of the IDEA of the number… its just how we base 10 users (WHY?) represent it that adds the biproduct tag along of the data of the status of the idea of “5”s factoritudibility into said number. now is base 18 we may notice that the data we are looking for ABOUT the numbers isn’t in the IDEA of the number and how many 1’s it represents, but it’s in the way we represent it in fluctuating bases. that is the key. that is math’s pussy right there. homies at MIT fin be fucking that right there for a few years, then holler back at me all, damn you was right!ish. haters. no phase though, i’ll put them in my top 8 over at mathspace.com. HOLLLLLARIT! off for new EPS of robochx. also, pizza. the ‘za.

  13. hey madd are you excited to see me, i’ll be at your house very soon. see you at the airport, thanks for being our bellman, mike will tip you well. t minus four hours of work and then i’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  14. yo ho hello there go to lutsen and do a show there. CAL’S FLOPPY BROWN HAT OUT!

  15. Dude… why hate on Wisconsin? Back that comment up, mother trucker.Notice I said Planet Earth first off, so I didn’t single out Wisconsin as the only place people are hypocritical about gambling. As for “especially in Wisconsin,” I was commenting that Penny Funk is an idiot. Penny Funk lives in Wisconsin, ergo I extrapolated the one to the many to keep the laughs going in perpetuity. In a database it would be represented as a has_many attribute, as in Penny Funk has_many followers who think that betting $10 on a motherfucking duck race is too-cool-for-school but betting $10 on a dice roll causes Satan to enter childrens’ groins (thanks Seanbaby).

  16. you internet chat room posting freaks! hello! see you soon in the great plains of the mid-west! mmmm i’m excited about the muffins.

  17. hey moneypenny, i’ll call you tonight or tomorrow and hopefully we can coordinate the drive up

  18. all packed and ready for minnie and lutsen, airport website says flight is on time, should be landing at 1205 am minnesota time. be there or be square.

  19. jesus, i’ll be there belly. i PROMISE. i won’t promise i’ll be sober though. UH OH!

  20. a side note on jamster and how stupid/genius it is…. they don’t even make their own ringtones, it’s all other peoples work… the cell networks and phone companies already made it trivial to add your own content as a ringtone on your own phone. the only problem is most people are tech IDIOTS to be nice about it and also they are capitalist IDIOTS as well with creditted money to throw away. anyways, here is the jamster “thing” as originally created and marketed in 2000 blahbity blew your uncle. fairly impressive design work, but now, you’ll just always be the fuckers behind that fucking annoying fucking thing. sell outs. and you sold out to jamster. how lame. i bet they are rich as fuck right now. sigh. cal, come hold me. here’s a muffin.

  21. zmoney hope you’re sleeping well now, we’re still up parteeee ing. can’t wait to pick you up from the ap and immediately kick you ass at disc golf. quincy’s beeen hollarit all night- so much energy for a little white qtip.

  22. one of my monitors is blue. it is because of the breakout cable on my “fancy” videocard. it is broken or warped internally. they don’t sell replacements as far as i know, which means i have to do the standard, buy from best buy, swap working accessory for bad and return. you’d think they save themselves the hassle and just give me a new one. whatever, i’m getting it either way, i don’t mind if you don’t feel the need to be generous best buy. i’ll just take what what i feel is fair and not let you even have a say in the matter.

  23. BlLgRRRl doesn’t know it…… but i filll llled the air mattress……. with farts!

  24. found the replacement part online. $32. just my luck: out of stock. ordered one anyways…. hopefully i get it within a month. bah.


  26. Happy Marriage Rumsey & O’Neil!!!!!

    We wish we could be there to celebrate, but we’re thinking of you and hope that you’re having a wonderful time!!!!!!

  27. i sent WWWWWWWWW and BBBBBBBBBB home a few hours ago… looks like everyone is home safe. CONGRATS! awesome idea on the butterfly release!

  28. THERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE ONCE was a dog, and HIS name was QUINCE! and one time he said to me HOLLLARIT! pure genius.

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