Every once in a while something incredibly dumb happens in Wisconsin. It typically happens when clueless white folks think themselves above a particular law. Case in point: gambling. My suburban homes-slices are always decrying the social ills that befall a state that supports gambling, right before they rush off to Vegas with the 401k money. Similarly, most of the Planet Earth (but especially Wisconsin) doesn’t seem to understand that gambling is gambling is gambling. Why is 100 white people floating ducks down a river for $10 apiece different than black guys rolling craps in a kitchen for $1000? “It’s for charity!” I said that with a sneer on my face, FYI. That’s YOU, that’s what YOU idiots sound like in this Journal-Sentinel article. I’ve never understood why churches are allowed to let people gamble away while Joe’s Casino is illegal. For that matter, why are state lotteries even legal? Nothing makes sense in this country when it comes to gambling, that I understand, but a little less faux outrage when you can’t gamble whenever and wherever you feel like would go a long way to making me actually emphathize with these jackasses. Instead we get:
When Penny Funk completed a state application to hold a “Ducky Derby” fund-raiser in Owen last summer, she wanted to make sure her ducks were all in a row….
But the state Office of Charitable Gaming denied the group’s Ducky Derby application – it’s an illegal lottery, they said.
Funk cried foul.
“This is ridiculous,” she said. “You never would think (of) something as harmless as a rubber ducky race being illegal.”
State laws on gambling outlaw the rubber duck races, although they are held frequently across the state. Funk said she is now fishing for support to reverse the law.
“It’s harmless fun. It’s something a family can do,” she said. “I can’t see why it has to be so difficult to hold an event like that.”
In a duck derby fund-raiser, people buy rubber ducks, each with a different number. The ducks are placed in a pond or river for a race to a finish line. The person who has the winning duck gets a cash prize.
I will say this nice and slow. Idiot. You. Are. Betting. Money. On. The. Outcome. Of. A. Race. Where does the line get imaginarily drawn in your head, Penny Funk? What if I wanted to challenge you to a duck race for $1000 per duck? Would it stop being fun “for the whole family” then? Is it only ok if ducks are soberly raced? What if I was stinking drunk cheering on a duck I paid $1000 for? What if I celebrated by pushing the nearest kid on the ground and stomping him while I did a victory dance, cause this duck race JUST PAID FOR MY HAWAIIAN VACATION! No, you’d probably be horrified then, you weirdo. Well I DO want to duck race for $1000. But if my duck wins, I want to be able to push Penny in the Root River so she can be with those goddamn ducks she seems to love so much. Thanks for indoctrinating our kids in the ways of degenerate gambling, Ms. Funk. Our future generations thank you.