I Flopped Trips in the Ducky Derby

Every once in a while something incredibly dumb happens in Wisconsin. It typically happens when clueless white folks think themselves above a particular law. Case in point: gambling. My suburban homes-slices are always decrying the social ills that befall a state that supports gambling, right before they rush off to Vegas with the 401k money. Similarly, most of the Planet Earth (but especially Wisconsin) doesn’t seem to understand that gambling is gambling is gambling. Why is 100 white people floating ducks down a river for $10 apiece different than black guys rolling craps in a kitchen for $1000? “It’s for charity!” I said that with a sneer on my face, FYI. That’s YOU, that’s what YOU idiots sound like in this Journal-Sentinel article. I’ve never understood why churches are allowed to let people gamble away while Joe’s Casino is illegal. For that matter, why are state lotteries even legal? Nothing makes sense in this country when it comes to gambling, that I understand, but a little less faux outrage when you can’t gamble whenever and wherever you feel like would go a long way to making me actually emphathize with these jackasses. Instead we get:

When Penny Funk completed a state application to hold a “Ducky Derby” fund-raiser in Owen last summer, she wanted to make sure her ducks were all in a row….

But the state Office of Charitable Gaming denied the group’s Ducky Derby application – it’s an illegal lottery, they said.

Funk cried foul.

“This is ridiculous,” she said. “You never would think (of) something as harmless as a rubber ducky race being illegal.”

State laws on gambling outlaw the rubber duck races, although they are held frequently across the state. Funk said she is now fishing for support to reverse the law.

“It’s harmless fun. It’s something a family can do,” she said. “I can’t see why it has to be so difficult to hold an event like that.”

In a duck derby fund-raiser, people buy rubber ducks, each with a different number. The ducks are placed in a pond or river for a race to a finish line. The person who has the winning duck gets a cash prize.

I will say this nice and slow. Idiot. You. Are. Betting. Money. On. The. Outcome. Of. A. Race. Where does the line get imaginarily drawn in your head, Penny Funk? What if I wanted to challenge you to a duck race for $1000 per duck? Would it stop being fun “for the whole family” then? Is it only ok if ducks are soberly raced? What if I was stinking drunk cheering on a duck I paid $1000 for? What if I celebrated by pushing the nearest kid on the ground and stomping him while I did a victory dance, cause this duck race JUST PAID FOR MY HAWAIIAN VACATION! No, you’d probably be horrified then, you weirdo. Well I DO want to duck race for $1000. But if my duck wins, I want to be able to push Penny in the Root River so she can be with those goddamn ducks she seems to love so much. Thanks for indoctrinating our kids in the ways of degenerate gambling, Ms. Funk. Our future generations thank you.


96 thoughts on “I Flopped Trips in the Ducky Derby

  1. Wish I was in San Dog, everyone. But I have been a mighty productive human the last two days. All I have left to do to get my life in complete order is to clean my baffroom and buy groceries. Alas, with no face-to-face human contact over the last few days I’ve let my hygiene slide. No shower since Friday morning equals the unfortunate reality that I stink. I can see stink lines coming off my skin and everything. First thing tomorrow: SHOWER~! In the meantime, I will continue to stink. Heaven forfend.

  2. By the way: how’s L’Africa, Big J. How you gettin along with our friends on the other side o da pond?

  3. Oop, sorry. One more thing: I am looking forward to an evening in Pacifica Monday night. Should be good times. Good Times. Sceizzer: heard about your brosef. Weird.

  4. eh, not really weird to me… not expected, but just as non-weird as non-expected. so GMC is living again… nice better get out to the bay before he dies again

  5. here is the problem with our current legal system…. it is the way that it is, because everything that isn’t on the books yet is considered a slippery slope by someone. gambling, abortion, gay marriage, marijuana, goat fucking. so it’s extra funny that the conservatives are playing the peoples card wondering why a controlled vice isn’t allowed. republicans are smart.

  6. in minnesota, just because of your $1000 hypothetical, the gambling laws are all stakes oriented, and a friendly competition like this needs no permit as long as the payout is under $300 total per race. if they are doing them for over $300, then come on, it isn’t exactly friendly anymore, but fucking churches still have bingo and the fucking holiday calendar scam… they charge $50 or some shit for the holiday calendar at christmas, then 4 times a year do a drawing for like $10k each. fucking church.

  7. the catholic church looks a lot like amway when you look at how the individual store locations are operated. wanna buy some soap!?!

  8. In a perfect world Cal gets a guitar busted over his head and Rumsey’s dad FU’s him into the fire during the cook out on Friday.

  9. Yo KTK: any news on the roommate swap this Friday and what is that website that has teaching jobs?

  10. Hey cal: sit and spin and I hope KVR gives you a hot beef injection during your romantic carpool to Looooooooootsen.

  11. i’m making you muffins CAL!!!!#%11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111rofl

  12. oh me oh my. i was just watching the $20-20 NLHE table. both dudes have $3,000… gets up to $225 each preflop…. flop KKQ, it all gets in after a 4 punch combo. AK vs AQ. runner runner Q’s. tell me jokerroom isn’t fucking rigged? JOPKE!

  13. AQ breaks AK by REPOPPING like 18 times with NO CHANCE IN HELL! BUT HE WINS! CAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. same dude just took $1k off another dude when he pushed on an ace high flop and got called by his money hand AQ! T ON THE TURN, CAL!!!! TEN ON THE FUCKING TURN!!!! GET A NEW bROWN HAT!!! THEN STOMP THE SHIT OUT OF IT!!!! TEN ON THE TURN!

  15. his name? ImurderU. this man has 2 things. hate and money. i think i’m in love.

  16. oh man oh man oh man, i wonder what imurderu’s gonna do with all that skrill tonight. take his lady out to dinner at a fancy French Chez Lounge? or murder her? i can’t wait to find out. hey smart cal, where you been for the last 7 years?

  17. “Similarly, most of the Planet Earth (but especially Wisconsin) doesn’t seem to understand that gambling is gambling is gambling.”

    Dude… why hate on Wisconsin? Back that comment up, mother trucker. Here in Cali we play craps with cards and our slot machines must also be a bingo machine or otherwise they are a game of chance and that is plumb against the law. Bingo is a skill based game here and so is craps because it uses cards. Every homeboy knows a back alley craps game with a deck of cards is the real deal.

  18. The chick’s name is Penny Funk aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggg.

  19. DUCKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. the state Office of Charitable Gaming!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! The more I read this the crazier I feel.

  21. How about this last line in the article: “Frankly, shutting a ducky derby is plain un-American.” Really? Are ducky races that ingrained in our social fabric? Anyway, yeah, the attitude toward gambling is hypocritical. But the state lottery and charitable bingo, raffles, and those calendars are legal. Other gambling is not. And it seems like everyone else who runs those ducky races has the good sense to either lie and call it a raffle or not bother to get permission and just do it. But it’s kinda dumb to complain that you asked to do something illegal and were denied permission to do it. Plus, if you really care about charity, just donate everything to charity and have the only prize be the glory of winning the ducky race.

  22. you are not crazy. the world is crazy. it’s all about controlling the action. the reason the “laws” surrounding this issue are odd, is because it doesn’t matter. it’s like propositioning a zip lock back to fit around the earth to keep it fresh. if you don’t understand the elements in this equation that make it impossible, then you are dumb. our legal system says, lets try anyways and make it as good as we can. 8 years later we have a 7 trillion dollar bag that barely covers ohio. look america, if you’d like me to try and fix these problems, you have to vote for me. feel free to write me in for any offic in any state. 2 d’s. annunciate.

  23. that was me, not smart cal. i don’t know why smart cal hacked the server and changed the name of that post to his own. he is CRAZY smart.

  24. This is a real book:

    December 2001: Vince McMahon steps out of a snowy night into a diner in upstate New York for a meeting with old friend Phil Thomson, now a highly placed government official. Thomson has a strange proposition: creating a new covert black-ops group using the Superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment. The WWE’s talented men and women are perfect. Highly skilled athletes with the ideal cover, they travel all across the country and the globe; no one would find it unusual to find them in a town one day and gone the next. The government would train and support the wrestlers in every way possible except one: no one must know the truth.

    March 2006: The Superstars have been handed their latest assignment — take down a commercial-grade methyl-amphetamine plant that is bankrolling terrorist activities in Europe. Their mission seems simple and straightforward, until a member of their team is taken prisoner. Now all that they’ve worked so hard for is in jeopardy, and one of their own might be killed…

  25. Cal’s love is so huge he hacked in and changed the name. This wedding could get interesting.

  26. o’neil: the laws are hypocritical; obey them, or find a smart way to avoid them, else ye be punished. maddddddddddd: the laws are hypocritical; put me in charge. come on, folks… i think we all know who is thinking more clearly here….

  27. w-whazz… they singled out wisco… lets figure out why. what are they really saying? is it insulting? remember… douche bags are hygenic products. so either wisconsin people are too dumb to realize that gambling is gambling is gambling… OR gambling isn’t gambling isn’t gambling… OR gambling is gambling isn’t gambling… OR gambling isn’t gambling IS gambling. i say wisconsonians are the chosen people.

  28. o’neil would have you believe they are “humans”…. just like “everyone else”… are those the sort of comments you want YOUR kids reading?!

  29. so this law works just like dominate and recessive genes… half the time it doesn’t matter, half the time you’re right and half the time you’re wrong…. political gold. just tax it and you’re rich, and keep the fight alive.

  30. I am all for madd being in charge. And I think the gambling laws are stupid and should be changed. I hope the cops do not find out about the ducky derby I am running down my flooded driveway.

  31. i can’t wait for the annuual lutsen ducky derby with grand prize of 301 dollars, i’m so glad it’s goin on the same weekend as the big hitchin, yeeehaawwww

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