It Was Fun While It Lasted

Five years ago I moved out to California with a trailer full of clothes, books, and a computer. The good people at Intuit gave me a signing bonus of $5,000 (before taxes) and I used it to buy a Golden Tee 99 arcade machine off eBay for ~$2000 (including shipping). I had many late nights in San Jose playing Whazz with the Madd Scientist (before he was even known as such). I dominated him so thoroughly and embarassingly that I named myself the Whazzmaster. It’s not like I made him call me that at home, I just fancied myself The Whazzmaster. When it came time to buy a domain name for my new website I naturally used it, because duh, it fucking rules. Fun was had.

Five years passed: I’ve moved it four times (three with Judd’s much-appreciated help) a total of 10 flights of stairs and it is a heavy fucker. I haven’t played it much lately but when Scientist was out here earlier this year we hit a few rounds. Fun times, fun times.

I just sold it for $500 plus a $20 tip for helping the guy bring it down to his van. The dream has died.

*sigh* … say lah vee. Feel free to reminisce about how whazz has affected your lives. I know I will tonight. Break out the whiskey.

my lord and master
The Shrine on our desk.

Can I still call myself whazzmaster? Or do I have to change the name of the website? So many questions.

139 thoughts on “It Was Fun While It Lasted

  1. i re-raised a suspected re-steal with QTs, then flipped tables and didn’t even see what happened. then the tab disappeared.

  2. i want to start a poker promotional corporation called “suited connectors”. our logo will be 2 dudes in suites shaking hands. we are serious about business. we wear suits. we bring people together and we make things happen. we connect fate. we are SUITED CONNECTORS… then some synth hits there and a voice over guy and we’re money.

  3. i’d really like a tie in somehow with some trendy suit designers… cross promotion is where it’s all at. double the bang for free. and we keep the wardrobe!

  4. i’m looking for a #2 guy. a guy that can surf the peaks of flowing mountains. a guy who understands that the right head wear can MAKE you. 60:40 homie. even stevens.

  5. cal, how do you feel about my meddling?

    a) awesome! i’m awesome! you’re awesome!
    b) awesome! you’re awesome!
    c) irresponsible. my feelings are hurt.
    d) irresponsible. i am not awesome.
    e) ktk would pick this one.

  6. i got fucking 4th 4 fucking times in a row in $30 ploiter SNGs. then that aussie hit. FUCK.

  7. thats +$700 way more often than -$250. fucking pisses me off. then of course break even everything in the rings which only would have made it sweeter. if it hadn’t been pissed in. fucking piss.

  8. I 4-thed my balls off too, but cut the losses with some ring game action. Overall, down that Aussie buy in.


  9. suited connectors would be another great script rumsey. you really gotta call me when you’re ready to sell out. i could do this all day.

  10. ooooooooooooooooh what if suited connectors was just a sub plot in the debate movie, and a smart guy that was working in poker promotion comes into the “scene” because of the poker aspects to it, but now he’s coming out from behind the ropes and now he’s in the ring! and it’s time to debate!

  11. and his old promotions buddys are pulling all their strings, and that makes the established debaters on the circuit nervous… these new fellas in town…. stirring things up….

  12. i want to see vince vaughn and cal co-starring with a guest appearance by ewaz who will be a debater with a style all his own. he can out not know anyone. sex appeal sex appeal sex appeal. hmmmm. how can we have women who are good at debate but don’t seem fake or non-sexy when they are doing it…. hmmmmmmm…. we’ll just have the xdc cheerleaders and a good slo mo music montage in the middle of the final debate. for street cred we get michael clarke duncan to be a huge fan and go to all the debates. i guarantee after we call him once he will be the one calling back every day. then we can ask him to ask will ferrel if he knows anyone good for leadish role. hire anyone he says. hit him up for investment money after you sign his suggestion. now we are really rolling…. i can already smell that 15 mil. too easy.

  13. i’m telling you rumthumbs, run with me for a week and that camera shelf will QUADRUPLE. 160, swiftly. wreck it buy a new one type shit. you feel me?

  14. there’s no worse feeling than 4th-ing your balls off. it hurts deep down more than u know. condolences to you & ur ballz wirksu.

  15. Your speakers are in a box that is being carried to wisconsin.

    Landmark is awesome.

    PLOIT, in my pants.

    One time Cal won the championship from me and asked when he could expect the title belt to be delivered to him. I told him to expect that I’d tie it to a brick and throw it through his front window.

  16. you you… you’re confusing me with maz! it was maz who won, it was always maz who won. no i don’t remember any gang signs. i do remember wasting those random milwaukee business men tourist guys. they thought they would have a few relaxing rounds… then they ran into two madison kids who did nothing else. For months at a time. poor guys, toward the end the one guy began to cheer when i missed shots… Shocking, an absolutely horrific lack of etiquette. Ultimately they guy completely lost his mind and tapped out. Into the david beach and bam! slams the table and he’s out. but, you know, he was angry. he had probably played for a year or so and felt like he was pretty good… and then he runs into a couple college students whose lives revolve around the game of video golf but, it’s like, guy, we do this for a living. not really, because we don’t make any money (unless you count the random dollars the great dane one would spit out- like a miracle.) but guy really, it was probably the single thing we did the most and you sell dictionaries and have children and stuff. so dude, don’t get all mad. and then moneypenny got one in his home and took it to the next level. Here’s to the whazz machine. a better video golfing game there never was. (especially that futuristic nonsense… it was fine to pass some time… But i think we all know 1999 was the height of the empire.) 2. you can give up on that dumb book, it was an experiment in reviving 8th grade joys and it failed. stop- you have 800 pages to go. stop. read the other one. tonight i’m going as an average LSAT taker. with a broken pinky. either that or a pirate. 3. moneypenny how do i get there? please direct me.

    your friend,


  17. pumps and a bump. pumps and a bump. we like the girls with the pumps and a bump.

    go ladies:

    “allll that we waaaaant, is a man who is right, who can hit it all night.”

    hammer don’t hurt em.

  18. Yeah. Funny! You saw nothing! Nothing! Borat!
    Will you be my boyfiend?

    Moneypenny text me the directions already you jerk!

  19. borat is propeganda disguised as entertainment in judging how well the performer pulls it off. it is VERY VERY stupid. done PERFECT. it’s a psychological experiment.

  20. that article is retarded. the heavily propegated idea that humans are somehow more than any other species is obviously flawed. at present we have the most tools to educate our young. that is the only difference. an advantage that can not be overcome by the same means because we will hinder the development of the infrastructure with our own. my dog is way way way conscious. his personality is unique and changing and always interesting. his strategies in the fighting games we play are really genius, but i can always find a way to brute force any strategy he comes up with by working faster than he can. mentally i can run at 1000 and his techniques are only at a 17… but when i play with him at level 18 for a while, eventually he becomes an 18. then he can be an 18. sometimes he’ll be 17 though just to mix things up and learn to be a mixture of all of the things he CAN be. dogs obviously learn from environment. don’t believe me? i’ll swap you out with a dark dark brown skinned male comedian and bet $1 on the outcome of your existance. this isn’t journalism, it’s JOKEalism. thanks for the link you fucking nomicile.

  21. keep that bullshit at home cal… “Game-show contestants, for instance, sometimes press a buzzer to answer before they consciously know the answer — knowing unconsciously that they know.”…. wow… this whole article about animals and consciousness and medical research required to prove or disprove all these theories, yet we can just make blanket statements like the one above without having to prove it or trivialize it?

    people don’t hit the button before they actually know… most people know most things, and the GAME SHOW, is not real life. it imposes it’s own rules. one of them being first one to buzz in gets first shot and if they are right no one else gets a shot and only they benefit. they don’t hit the button knowing that they know but not knowing yet. they KNOW the rules of the game and know they need to hit that button. then after they do, the answers are trivial. knowing something is as easy as knowing it if you aren’t consumed with fear. this isn’t a scientific journal or even INTELLIGENT. if a human wrote this, i actually think it more of an arguement that humans are the only species on earth that ISNT conscious. political propeganda fucks. lets all just be in a chain gang and use our energy for something useful. bah.

  22. 99 had some bugs in the engine that 2k fixed. so i gotta go with 2k… it kept the spirt of course design from 99 good enough, but also relaxed it sometimes and tried some new things, but didn’t make anything worse, but those bug are fixed, so i gotta go with 2k. futuristic is for shit and nomiciles who don’t understand the game. somewhere there is someone writing an article that says you hit the whazz ball not because you know where the ball will go, but you trust that it will get there after you hit it. it’s religious bullshit. FAITH FAITH FAITH. the LESSSSSSSSSSS you KNOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW. confederacy of MORE dunces. cal, trust me. you’re a genius.

  23. against 2 skilled opponents racho set the stage for the most exciting display of competition. lots of room to make BIG mistakes and BIG shots. also lost of places you need precisions and others you just need to fuck it over the ditch 305 yards and leave your girl dick at home. anything you could do with the game, it required you to do to at some point if you wanted to make the smartest move. and you could tell they did it that way on purpose and had a real understanding of what they were working with. on futuristic, all of that is lost. and the putting is for shit… and seriously… a backspin BUTTON!?!#T?! fucking ANIMALS.

  24. man that west coast party is probably already popping. and you about them, right? the go until 6 in the morning. 6 in the morning. 6 in the morning. ask cal.

  25. the UK secretary has now come out against the US for the whole gambling non-sense and the little side fact that it rape the UK economy of 2 billion in little under an hour. the idea of war is so much more effective than actually following through with it. we should totally base our economy on THAT!

  26. 2 billion funds our war another 2 billion bullets. and the UK didn’t even see it coming. all we had to do was say something, then they got totally fucked, and if we wanted to we could come in now and say something else and make everything right again, then we make money on BOTH ends of the transaction! now the UK stands up and cries and the american system shuts them the fuck up. KNOW YOUR ROLE , UK! we OWN you!

  27. Through my experiments I’ve learned that Parker best likes bulldicks, red toys and greenies over dinger bones and synthetic pig ears.

  28. i’m operating in the world of known provable deffensively minded offensive tactics. things were i can guarantee a new position. the dog is operating in the world of try to win. he he does something and i counter with 5 moves that i can guarantee to get him in a totally dominated position, then after repeated getting owned, he learns that that first move implies the end result even though i had to go through 5 moves to get there. they have multiple stage implication memory and no reason to do anything than what they currently do. give them that reason, and they will. just like we did. and that reason was allah. haha, just kidding. it was jesus.

  29. there still hasn’t been a quincy v. parker pay per view yet has there?! i’m much more excited after he got all this sparring time in with minnie. learning to dirty box with a female 1/5 your size can be humiliating. minnie had some moves. minnie was thus operating in the world of i NEED to win. much different than TRY to win, which of course implies… “you know… unless you might get hurt or something bad enough that it makes winning not worth it….” minnie has no such issue. she is 1/5th the size. and a woman. and she can SENSE quincy is just trying and doesn’t need a thing. so over the 3 weeks eventually she forced a new attitude of you CANT win. and his skills sky-rocketed, and style started to emerge. now man on man coupled with moving up to a real weight class should be interesting. i think he’s ready.

  30. what would be awesome is if they just aknowledged each other then did nothing both waiting for the other to make the first move. that would show much patience. much knowledge. it would probably confuse cal’s article writing friends.

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