Oh My God

I found it. I thought I never would; hell I wasn’t even aware it was kept by someone. But oh god it is the find of the century. Presented just as it was written. Enjoy…


  1. If you fall down, you buy a round of shots at the next bar.
    1. you cannot be pushed
    2. group consensus rules
    3. one knee on ground (football rules)
  2. Everyone has a name
    1. cannot be related to whazz name
    2. Wirkus = Marcus, Casperson = Cyliss, Zach = Tom Z., Tim = Ruben, Ross = Cletus, Ewaz = Smith
  3. Max time limit: 1 hour, Min time: 1 drink, exception: if wait is long or no fun possible, move along
  4. Magic Bar
    1. Pick a bar win $5
      1. Marcus = Monday’s
      2. Tom Z. = PortaBella
      3. Cletus = Bullfeathers
      4. Ruben = The Pub
      5. Smith = Cafe Montemarte
      6. Cyliss = Red Shed

Bar #1: Regent Street Retreat (Ruben)Enter 2:07

Exit 2:59

Notes: – $1 High Life

– $2 Brats and cheeseburgers

– Phi eagles are fucking us

– Cletus defeat Tom Z. (pool)

– Cyliss = sick

Bar #2: Buck’s (Marcus)Enter 3:03

Exit 4:00

Notes: Buck Hunter II Tournament: Tom Z. over Cyliss, Smith over Marcus, Smith over Tom Z. for the title

– OJO = Great Hunter

– Very nice naked lady pics

– Giants win ($100) + 4 team [TIKI BARBER IS ON THE TAKE!]
– 2:55 bartender cajoled us into shots (Kamikazes)

Bar #3: Big 10 (Tom Z)Enter 4:05

Exit 4:50

Notes: – Hockey game: tie, goes into overtime RUBEN WINS IN OVERTIME!

– Cyliss: can’t breath through nostrils

– Things have taken a turn for the worse for silas

Bar #4: Stillwaters Enter 4:57pm

Exit 5:15


– Seated by an Ewaz friend

– It was STRESSED that we will be here only for one drink.

– Mindy chose that next we will go to Vintage Bar & Grill

– Cletus is Jackass

– Fred Game was explained

– Pepper Fake Out Cyliss vs RossCletus

Bar #5: Vintage Bar & Grill

Enter 5:20



– Initial reaction: Frummy

– Tom Z. = insane

– Tom Z. breaks rules and orders vodka + tonic… with a lime and short black straw

– 6:05 = Tom Z is drunk

– Vintage = Vice City

– Cyliss = cig from mouth

– Pit Game = Tim Champion

– Cyliss win all… uses honor… what a champ!

Bar #6: Plaza

Enter 6:25

– Marcus and Cletus are drunk

– Cyliss and Tom Z. begin moose and bear hunt

– hockey war also continues

– hockey war = Cletus [unintelligible] dept. store 2 wins

– Drunk Stories:

  1. Picaresque Part 1
  2. “Shooting Fatigue”
  3. Rhonda call #2 took place

– Cyliss is the Moose/Bear Hunting Champion: Bar none.

– I’m writing, I’m drunk: Smith

Bar #7: Badgerland Bar & Grill

– Lots of memories shared

– Picture taken in bell pantry

– Smith wins $5 bet

Bar #8: Irish Pub

Enter 8:00pm



– Viewed picture of Marcus and Kenny

– Cletus left for dead


– “I’m not doing this to hurt you cyliss.” – Marcus – S.S.

Bar #9: The Pub

Supplemental Dan P.

– Cast: Dan P. = Garrett, Dan P. Girlfriend, Melissa = Britney

– Vodka + Red Bull

Bar #10: Orpheum


– No one wanted to go to Orpheum, we picked again: Best Western Hotel, NO! Then we picked, Tutto Pasta!

Bar #10: Tutto Pasta

Enter 9:35pm


– It is a good chance that Smith will puke up yellow mustard stuff tomorrow

– Lynn (Fancy Face) meets us

– We ate dinner

– The drunkards consist of: Tom Z., Smith, Marcus, Cletus, Ruben, FancyFace not drunk yet.

– Women at next table (large breasts) told us to “turn it down”. Tom Z. told them to meet us at King Club.

Bar #11: King Club

Enter 10:50pm


– $5 cover

– BADGERS WIN! BADGERS WIN! <- 31-28 - 2 belvy gimlets = $14

Bar #12: Paradise

Enter 11:20pm

– Marcus was nursed back to health by Tom Z. (Anchor Bank)


– FancyFace’s motto: “It’s Redonculous!”

– Wirkus is ready for the wedding speech!

– Jamal’s motto: “It’s very abrasive!”

Bar #13: Madison Maduro

Enter 11:55pm

– Tom Z.’s throat is killing him

– We hate the bartender


– Tom Z. drinks a Woodchuck Cider

– FancyFace’s special bar is Up North

– Guy said “no shooting” (bartender) (it was weird) (nuff said)

– They need to “as fancyface says” “regrout” their bar.

– Contact Adam Gehrman about regrouting. He knows how to do stuff like that.

– 12:37am: SMITH TAPS OUT!

Bar #14: Essen Haus

– Sean buy more pretzels… mmm… mmm… mustard. Quealy —- Go to school… damn it… that mustard is hot.  Wirkus is tearing off pretzels with crazy mustard.

– We are all wasted except Sean

– Harry Potter 2?? from Sean – cin… yes / M.P. Yes

– M.P. Company says go see H.P.2– no says kill myself

Bar #15: Up North

Enter God Only Knows

– “low-rise jeans are only made to show panties, especially g-strings” – fancyface

– Kritin Lomas + Cletus = LUV & WHAZZ

– Tom Z. = James Joyce (w/hat)

– Royce da 5’9″ just got signed to the Brewers… infield.

– Ruben = wasted. Threw cigarette on ground rather than give it to fancyface.

– overall a good night

– Marcus: “this meighborhood is not built for mirth”

100 thoughts on “Oh My God

  1. Hey wwhazz, I’m reading Word Freak. Scrabble players are the most anti-social nutjobs on the planet, and I say that as a (a.) computer nerd and (b.) former dungeons and dragons enthusiast.

  2. 2 of the turtles houses weren’t even labled…. you had to go around back of this building that looked like a janitors closet and inside was 20 turtle tanks full of fun. if that was my zoo there would be a sign.


  3. yes and i saw the turtles at the zoo too. my favorite turtle move is when they are swimming and “step” on another turtle’s head. that is great.

  4. here goes:

    when i was a young man, my family visited CALifornia and we were driving a quiet two lane highway when we came upon a giant turle of some sort in the middle of the road

  5. i liked the giant alligator snapper. they fed it a rabbit.

    also seen being fed a rabbit:
    1. anaconda
    2. giant falcon

    noticibly missing from zoo: rabbit exhibit

  6. after regaining our wits about us, dear dad found a large stick or pole of some kind and wedging the stick under the turtle, he managed to flip the sucker onto the side of the road.

  7. and we drove away. a great family adventure it was! years later, after a relating our story to some kind of turtle expert…

  8. we learned that the “hissing” we heard was the sound of the air suddenly displaced as the turtle stuck his turtle arms and legs into his shell. so the mystery was solved.

    the end

  9. no love. jerks. there now you learned soemthing. the turtle joints make noise sometimes. jerks

  10. what happened? I was on the phone with wwhazz. Then there was a hissing, then the line went dead. I think the hissing was sound coming out of his butthole. Years later, scientist would tell me I was right.

  11. years after that, you would sit alone in a dark room and wonder…

    but how did scientist know?!



    i gotta quit drinkin.

  12. cal, one time i came across a giant snapper in the road. i threw my car blanket over it and scooped it up in the back of my truck where it lived for 6 months eating grapes and saying hi to all the ladies i would show it too.

    then i let it go in the la crosse marshy swamp area. dude is probably ballin’ HARD up in there

  13. oh man, and when i picked up my little car blanket turtle sack… the dude did the i’m going to piss all over you defensive trick…. and WHOA. that thing pissed out a fucking lake. like a 1 foot diameter wet spot in the blanket just oozing piss everywhere. i would later find out from a turtle expert that turtles are 98% piss

  14. Rumor has it that the great Sterling Hall bombing of ’70 was planned in my restaurant. Mr. Moneypenny…lookout. I hear the Tobacco Lofts in ’07 are next.

  15. to Cal and all you other juicers out there–i just had an “apple jack” from the coop and it was DELISH. apples, beets, ginger, and lime. try it out at home.

  16. i like the juxtaposition of cal running so fast he gets hurt with the turtle running so slow people stop to help him.

  17. with you hurt, WHO WILL HELP THE TURTLES?!

    cal… you have a responsibility to nature to stop this silly marathonary.

  18. so cal dreams about seeing grindhouse….

    does that mean he is going to see it or not? way to answer a question with a mystery CAL#@!(^%&!@#^

  19. give you a few days…. give you a few days.


    WE DONT **HAVE** A FEW DAYS!#)(^*&#)^(

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