My God, It’s Full of Flags!

Today is Flag Day, you undeserving ingrates. A million years ago George Washington and God shook hands and agreed on the following:

  1. America is Great
  2. No more than 5% of US presidents will fall to assassins
  3. You can find low, low everyday prices at Wal*Mart, at the cost of the nation’s soul
  4. The flag will be composed of a circle of thirteen stars on a field of blue, and alternating red and white stripes.
    1. Except when a dumbfuck state like Texas comes along and joins the Union, then secedes and tries to destroy the Union, and finally is absorbed back into the Union.
  5. You can burn the flag to make a political statement, or alternatively you can threaten people who do that with jail time to make cheap political points with the hoi polloi.

So run a gigantic (300 sq. yds. or larger) flag up a flagpole and wave a smaller, cuter flag about in the breeze all day long. I guarantee you’ll go to Heaven if you do.

A Symbol of Strength, Valor and Unity

46 thoughts on “My God, It’s Full of Flags!

  1. i got a new cell and number, i rep the 619 now, specifically to gain face with the mexicans (guerreros in particular) when they decide to have their hand at destroying the union.

    viva la raza.

  2. Damn, I wish I had purchased the following item before last weekend:

    http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=1-3/qid=1181869863/ref=sr_1_3/602-2545446-3977465?ie=UTF8&asin=B000O12DIC

    If your name is Katie Kalish, Brian Kalish, or Zach Moneypenny, please run out and buy our collective whazz croquet set.

    Wouldn’t it be fantastico in the Bocce ball courtyard of Lorrilard Ct. or in the fields of the Kalish Family compound?

    Nicer, fancier ones available too but this set will work in a budgeted pinch…

  3. why not just play the game with fresh oranges and your feet? then at the end of the game you got a safely protected and sealed food stipend nearby and nothing to have to put away or store or protect. you are free to chase cal to his grandmothers house.

  4. w-whazz, does the big lipped dude from boyz II men play 3-6 at the palomar wearing an eazy e “COMPTON” hat and singing old jodeci songs? i say he does.

  5. I remember lawn jarts. I really liked playing that game. Damn the fact that people got their eyeballs destroyed…

  6. i believe in this idea so much, that i say the bad tilp money be reinvested into a series of mall chain stores that sell nothing but items a normal person would recognize as being potentially harmful to themselves.

  7. a lawnmower with an exposed blade.

    a knife with a knife for a handle.

    a lighter that once ignited automatically increases the flame length until it peaks at about 14 inches in 3 seconds.

    stovetop cookware with a clear lower sealed compartment full of gasoline.

    spiked ceiling fans.

    a perfectly balanced 2 legged chair that look somewhat normal despite missing 2 legs. it obviously will not support someone who tries to sit in it.

    cabinet doors that slam shut if left open for more than 30 seconds.

  8. i decree upon these lands a new greeting:

    FLUFF IT UP!

    a raised pointing hand is common, although not required.

  9. 1. I really liked this part:
    “These are not my pants,” he testified yesterday, telling her “I have in my adult life, with one exception, never worn pants with cuffs.”

    2. The dude in the Compton hat is Bone. He wears a Raider’s chain too. Sometimes his sister plays. He gave me rides home. Jessi didn’t like me paling around with him.

    3. I really likes that dude was coked up when he recorded the Faimly Matter’s theme.

  10. I like that he was coked up and he nailed the Family Matter’s theme.

    Cal, how was the race? How are the twins?

    Skeezer, gimme a cal sometime. I need your new number.

  11. look… i haven’t seen them yet, but i guarantee there will be “i am so good carl” tshirts for sale on the internet before i search for them when i finish this post

  12. In Hortonville there’s a Barber/Baitshop/Freelance Welder shop. Somehow it went out of biz.

  13. Prelude to a Sausage Race:

    This is how it went down in Duluth. I arrived to a sky full of clouds, and rain, and I was stressed about it. The thing about running in the rain is that it’s not too bad really, but it does slow you down and the real problem is standing around before the start of the race in the cold cold rain. Also, your shoes get wet and your socks get wet and you can get blisters on your feet. But whatever, it’s also sort of nice because all bets are off, you just run slowly and you don’t care because it’s raining.

    My alarm clock went off Saturday morning at 4:15 AM (2:15 CA time) and I got up. I had been doing my best to wake up early the week before the race to account for the time change and the early start… And it seemed to work, a little coffee and a shower and I was ready! And lo and behold it was not raining!.

    This was the 31st running of Grandma’s Marathon and 9,500 people were registered. The race runs along Lake Superior and the roads are closed to traffic so they have a fleet of yellow school buses that leave from various points around Duluth and take all runners to the start in Two Harbors. My bus was buzzing with excitement! An interesting aside: when I ran the Big Sur Marathon along route 1 in CA they also bus you to the start, but on those buses no one speaks. You ride in silence. I have to say I prefer chatty Minnesotans but sometimes I like to be left alone. It’s like that on airplanes too, to MN from SF = blablabla chatty chatty talk talk talk talk. To SF from MN= blissful silence.

    At the start I knew we were in trouble. Not a cloud in the sky, just the sun baking the asphalt and it was only 6:00 AM. Tick tock tick tock we waited as they bused everybody in for the 7:30 start. I found some shade and just sat on the ground but couldn’t stay there too long, or I wouldn’t be able to get close enough to the front of the start. So around 7:00 I hit the street. I sat down close to the starting line and felt the awful sun bake my back. The paper said it was 66 degrees at the start but it felt hotter to me.

    Anyway bang the gun goes off and I go out running 7:00 minute miles (aprox my goal pace) but I couldn’t hold it… Every mile I’d slip a little… 7:10, 7:15, then back to 7:00, then 7:15… I struggled to the half in 1:34 (7:14 pace) but I knew I was finished, at that point I should be feeling great and gaining speed, but I felt lousy, my legs were heavy, and I was getting tired, and so I threw in the towel. But that was ok really, once I’d given up the idea of a fast time I started to enjoy myself, just jogged along at about a 9:00 minute pace and ate everything offered to me: strawberries, oranges, jolly ranchers, gummy bears, twizzlers. Whatever some kid held out I ate. It was fun. Lots of marching bands and cheerleaders and speakers blaring Mumbo #5. Finally, around mile 23 or so we got into Duluth and people were 4-5 deep in many places, lots of them had hoses and sprayed us down which was nice.

    So that’s about it pals, I finished in 3:26. 583th place out of 7000. Not so bad really, I passed a lot of people at the end who looked a lot fitter than me, who were walking. Of the people who finished from San Francisco there were three, and I was third. Jerks.

    The End

  14. that’s a big ten four. forgot to tell you, i was at that game where prince hit an inside the parker due to the hypnotic ceiling of the Metrodome. the place was swarming with brewers fans. they chanted “lets go brewers” and drowned out us twinkie fans. it was terrible. i was very pleased when morneau hit a walkoff hr to avoid the sweep.

    Tonight: rookie minor league phenom Yovini Gallardo debuts against SF! if there were ever a team to debut against that’s the one.

  15. Oneil was over listening to that game. When it hit 9-2, we threw in the towel and went on a beer/birth control pill run. Was very surprised to see a final score of 10-9 and was curious as shit as to how Prince pulled that one off.

    Good luck, Gallardo.

  16. you still living late night style? i’m not usually out making calls until after 9pm, and that’s 11pm your time and i hate waking people.

    i played cards with bones again last night… that dude jokes with the cops about selling them drugs and hookers and they smile a smile suggesting they are embarassed because he is telling the truth and not that people might believe he is telling the truth.

  17. whoops. sorry dude, went to palo right after posting and just got back. lost 70. started first 20 minutes up 180. bah bah bah.

  18. dino won like $1,000 at 3-6… about 6 killpots capped most of the way with 5-6 people in in a row.

  19. I also dislike that dirty cab driver who always says “I crawl”. Have you played with the Pappa John’s Skinny ass Cambodian dude?

  20. whazzmaster thanks for having the birthday pics up so quickly. I enjoyed viewing them. It was a fun time had by all. The pictures look very artistic. I think you even caught my husband staring at my boobs, nice photographing.

  21. Where is Scientist? Surfing? What about cal? Clapping? What about the SF Giants? What about the Brewers?

  22. sorry, i got clapping to do… skee-za skee-za ebneiza skee-za a crowd plea-za is the skee-za.

    sau-sage-race! sau-sage-race! sau-sage-race!

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