Golf, and Poker, and Strippers… Uh Oh

Word of the Week: Doppel-gang-bang

We had three whazzers present at my brother’s weekend-long celebration of bachelorhood and its impending end. Timmer, wwhazz, and I spent all day Saturday making ourselves unhealthy to the point of some kind of whack contamination, but we still had a good time. A not-in-order list of some fond memories follows:

  • Saturday night, wwhazz and I drove through hellacious rain and thunder to get down to Racine in order to escort my brother to Potowatomi for an evening of gambling. That place currently lies in a ruins not unlike a quarter of the Las Vegas strip at any given moment. It’s all for their ‘expansion’ project, which, if applied to something like countries would be like Japan annexing China. I predict that eventually Potowatomi will own everything in the Menomonee Valley from Lake Michigan to Miller Park. Oh yeah, I lost $100 in 3-6 limit. Shrug, no cards.
  • Finding yourself at a strip club two nights in a row is either an incredibly satisfactory experience or an embarrassing one. I triumphantly choose the former.
  • Petrifying Springs Golf Course in Kenosha was like playing golf in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah, genius, it was wet.
  • The Aaron Moneypenny Main Event of Poker tournament went well enough. Forty dollar buy-in, 2000 chips to start, and 9 players. To give you an idea, we only got up to about 200-400 before it was all over. The wiener? Timmer, with second place going to Uncle Frank.
  • For roughly a dozen people, my brother ordered roughly a dozen goddamned pizzas. Later at the bar when Joey ordered a bar pizza my brother exploded, “WE HAVE EIGHT LEFT AT HOME, WHY DON’T YOU JUST ORDER ELEVEN MORE?!”
  • Our ‘designated driver’ drank more at the bar than I did. A unique interpretation of the term, I guess.
  • My brother had prepared a nice spread of food for the poker games. Unfortunately, the food table was located in the garage such that the sun beat down on it for three straight hours, turning the cheese and sausage to grotesque vagueries of their former selves. Later in the day, the common rhetorical question “anyone want any sausage?” was typically met with catcalls.
  • R., a player in the poker game, assured me that in heads-up play the button was always the big blind. I told him that was not so, and the basis he used for his argument was that “[he had] played tons of tournaments.” Then again, R. had some extremely interesting insights into “The River” that I will let wwhazz or timmer explain, if they please.
  • Interestingly, my brother and I had a bunch of money on the golf game, and we ended to tying on the front, tying on the back, tying our overall score, and tying in skins. A hard-fought day of golf, reduced to no profit for either one of us. Pffft.

We didn’t get to see the UFC PPV, but wwhazz may come over and we’ll order the replay on Tuesday.  I may also post some pictures once I get them up on flickr.  I totally forgot to take any during the poker, but I’ve got some good ones from the golf outing.

HOLLLLAIR.

84 thoughts on “Golf, and Poker, and Strippers… Uh Oh

  1. ive only been doing it for three days now. im at minnesota. its a lot more difficult than i thought it would be but it is manageable. you just have to give up everything else in your life. lots of fear too. classes are hardcore socratic. but yea, its really interesting and i enjoy it. ill post more later. i have a part-time bellman job at the hyatt but i think im going to have to quit that. well see how it goes.

  2. hell yes quit that job Sean! you don’t need too much money… I made a rule: i only buy food. before i buy something i ask: is this food? if no then i don’t buy it. for example… clothes… is this food? no. therefore i will not buy it. this way i keep costs low. if mP started charging for whazzmaster i would have to quit.

  3. ok i think all you new law students and lawyers should take a week to post bigass cases and then have it out of your system. i swear half of this particular thread was crusing through law student jargon. i get enough law at home, thank you all!

    cal, how about talking to us about your favorite topics like organic nutrition and running till your toenails fall off, please!

    sean, you are at the U? enjoying one of the twin cities’ fine 4 law school institutions? why one metro area needs so many lawyers in training is beyond me.

  4. isn’t english the skill and law the application of the skill? sort of like the karate kid waxing cars? i’ll say to cal, “cal. i am going to sue you” then he’ll say “montana” and not even know why… but you can’t deny that shit… he wins.

  5. in the very near future we’ll need 4 times the lawyers than we have now. the current system has broken itself, sort of like a human’s organically driven biology feeding the cancer that will eventually overtake it. so we’ll need all the lawyers that want to pretend that isn’t true to stick around on a food tube in a hospital bed with their asses showing fighting the fight, then the new system will need their lawyers also doing their thing waiting for the other system to finally give up. then each system will need lawyers to fight out and say i’m a better system… i’ve always been here! NO! i’m a better system, you’re on a feeding tube! NO! free market capitalism with a complex patent system works! NO! i can see your ass! NO! NO! NO! minnesota is very smart. and also generally fattish.

  6. Question: do you tap on your can of pepsi before you open it? if so PLEASE STOP I hate it when people do that! What effect do you hope bring about by tapping? Do you think that if the can has been shaken your tapping will divert the pressure or diffuse it? IT WILL NOT. I promise you, the tapping does nothing except annoy the hell out of me.

    -cal

  7. I’m sure I speak for lawman, as well as myself, when I smugly say: you sweet little law babies–you have no idea what you’re in for. Just wait until you’ve stayed up for a few days straight during finals trying to absorb an entire semester’s worth of law that really doesn’t amount to a load of crap of the real law you’ll ever use (since it’ll all just change a few months after your exam anyway) only to be smacked in the face as if with a load of bricks from a 7-story building by your first semester’s grades.

    And take all the advanced legal writing and research classes your school offers. IMHO that’s the only law courses that were worth a fraction of the tuition I haven’t even started paying back yet.

    Ah, law school: look where it got me. I spent last week on the border camping in hotels with bugs the size of my feet, and visiting towns without electricity. Was that a dirty needle I almost just stumbled over outside the “health station?” Oh well, the kids can always use a new toy …

  8. Law school didn’t roofie you BA Baracus-style and fly you off to Africa. That was a choice. Cal could very well sit in Greg’s damp attic and write wills all day.

    If I’m ever in hot water with the law, I’m picking cal over sean, bigj, or lawman because cal looks the most like John Cusack and once I saw JOhn Cusack play a lawyer in a movie and he did a damn fine job (won the case).

  9. Cal and Sean, sorry, I don’t have much advice to give the two of you. I guess, remember it’s just school, so it’s sort of ridiculous by definition. Just keep up with the work. At some point, it will just click and you’ll know exactly what you are doing. Both of you are smart, you’ll do fine.

  10. i just started my teachings in legal arts at the university of phoenix online. my first telequiz is tuesday and i’m super nervous.

  11. Oops! I forgot w-whazz, you’re an angry, bitter, and fat old man. Didn’t you get the memo? I was being sarcastic.

  12. … because I’d really prefer to be sitting in some high rise office building right now kissing corporate ass than doing something worthwhile for people who really deserve it.

    I need a course in anger management since my neighbors bought a rooster.

  13. Yeah, but lawman kind of has that zach braff thing going on, right? Well, I guess you can put him in reserves for when you need that emergency heart surgery. Crap. Why don’t we have any friends who look like Turk? He’s the surgeon.

  14. ironman finished. phew. 4:45am. very tired. they asked if i want to on the road with them so i may be travelling to do more ironmadness very soon. not sure if i’m excited about that or ready to take a week long nap.

    the final finisher: legendary frank who is 79 years old. he finished with 2 minutes to go. couldn’t ask for more drama.

    if a 79 year old can swim over 2 miles in a murky lake, bike 116 miles in hilly cornfields, and hobble 26 miles of a run, what the hell is wrong with me that i am maxing out at 1.5 hours of exercise at a time? i must be a lazy fuck.

  15. cal, the tapping soda isn’t such a big deal for me but i HATE HATE HATE when people open soda cans only a smidgeon and are drinking with the flap part of the drink hole showing. seems dangerous even. could cut your tongue easily.

    any of you who do that, please stop.

  16. The smidgen move is clutch at picnics though (bees). Just don’t try to lick the soda out of the can and you’ll be fine.

  17. Time for work.

    Dive bartender-whazz has off until Thursday. Til then, AIS-whazz will be in Janesville. It’s sorta like my Africa.

    ps to Big J: try not to get AIDs

  18. big J, did you go to africa looking for deserving people or just find some once you got there? are there not more deserving people in north korea or bakersfield? are you concerned about the people you are helping becoming dependent of your help or requiring even more help? or is that the plan…. are you trying to be queen of africa? do you think you’d get to meet james earl jones and arsenio? sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees your queeeeeeeeeeen.

  19. bakersfield is pretty much shit… a few super rich and hoards and hoards of born again crackheads. there is only 1 card room and it is the shadiest place i’ve ever been. i get in and can’t find the board or anyone to help me for like 10 minutes. finally i just ask one of the waitress or chip runner types where the board is and i’m told they are the board. then i’m told there are no tables whatsoever and i have to play 3-6 at the lightning poker computer table. every other player at the table has a nametag on and obviously works there. i give $100 to a dude. he leaves and comes back with a card that i have to activate and choose a pin and shit like that. not cool. just hand me chips. who thought this was a good idea? so first hand AKc… capped with 5 people in. TJQ flop. cap again. spade on the turns makes 3 spades and i get bet into. guy in between folds and we’re heads up when i call. river spade, he bets i call, he has J7 with the 7 of spades. about 10 hands later i have AK again and flop AKJ. capped. J on the river gives the lovely lady with KJ a boat. i’m bust… i didn’t win a single pot. i go back to the “board” and tell them i will never play that game again and to show me everything they have. suddenly more tables exist! wow! they have 2-4 or 15-30 hold’em or 4-8 kill omaha hi/lo and about 10 $500 no limit tables. i take the omaha and proceed to watch the most angle shooting and team play i’ve ever seen in my life. i don’t win a pot, but i lose at least 3 on the river all huge pots with the last being about $300 when all 5 people call me down after i flopped the nuts. i lose another $160, then i leave. i haven’t been back since and i’m empty online thanks to the harrah’s mafia buying off corruptible american politicians. it’s super hot here, there are big ass bugs and roaches around waiting for the door to open and our apartment smells a little like cat piss. we live under 3 rows of high voltage power line towers on the ground floor next to a 6 lane busy road directly across the street from el pollo loco.

  20. tapping a soda can reduces fizz by forcing the would-be opener to spend time tapping the can which allows the fizz to settle. same as someone counting to 100 before playing hide and seek. the timer device is arbitrary.

  21. actually for me it is no different… i have all the food and booze i want… my lovely wife… connection to you noblemen and magistrates… a super large dog park with nice people and dogs. as a whole though, this city is doomed… even though it’s supposedly the largest growing city with a population over 250,000.

    our complex is old, but nice… we got swindled though… our apartment is on the corner of the complex bordered by the power lines and the road… they didn’t show us this half, they showed us the half bordered by a lake and swimming pools.

    i don’t have internet yet, but i’m stealing wireless from a router named “MINEMINEMINE”, and yet someone that possessive didn’t bother with a password. i only have 1 bar and it only works about 1 in 10 times and only in short bursts of time.

    i was just here waiting for the furniture to be delivered and they just got done, so i’m off to the casino again to have another go. peeeeeeeeeeace.

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