The Bakersfield Wastelands

AND lo, unto the hellscape of Bakersfield there was delivered a couple. AND that couple didst live in squalor amongst roaches, big-ass bugs, and team players. THE men and women of the hovel did not yet know their betters were upon them…

And so on and so forth. Hey everyone, it’s nice to be back. I was in Racine on Sunday for a trio of birthdays: my niece, my soon-to-be sister-in-law, and my grandmother. We had a gay old time eating delicious risotto and marinaded beef tenderloin. Then we had a Speed Party: eat cake, pinata crash, open presents in 30 or less minutes. Spacebee and I rode dirty down to Racine, spent about 3 hours there, and then headed back up. Our driving time equaled the time we were there, but it was worth it to see so many family members’ birthdays in one shot!

There’s also crazy news on the Racine front: my parents are moving to… Door County. My father accepted a position as the president and CEO of the visitor’s bureau up yonder, and so by the end of the year they will have (hopefully, in this housing market) sold their house and moved up there. My brosef and seestor are moving out soon or have moved out already, and so they won’t be going with. I know I’m still digesting the news… but I am looking forward to going up there to visit.

Now, as anyone in Madison can attest to, I’ve been going buck fucking crazy on a cookbook I received from my dad recently.

[Backstory] As some of you may know, my dad used to work for Visit Milwaukee, the convention and visitor’s bureau for the area. As the VP of Sales, it was his job to sell the city to various large conventions so they would come and buy up a bunch of hotel rooms and spend tourist money like ‘whoa.’ So they have these conventions where people representing large conventions come and get wined and dined and look at booths by various cities in order to hold their convention there. My dad worked hard to set up a dinner for under a hundred people at the home of Art Smith, Oprah’s personal chef. So a bunch of people went to his house in Chicago and had some great food and (I hear) raved about it to others at the convention the next day. As the guests left, Art Smith signed copies of his newest cookbook for the them, and my dad snagged a copy for me as well. [/Backstory]

Now, I had paged through the cookbook and found a few good recipes, but I hadn’t actually taken a step to cook anything until last week. I went to Whole Foods and bought all the ingredients to make 4 dinners from the book on consecutive nights. Many of them involved brining and long-lead prep work, so I set up a schedule where I would be cooking one night’s dinner while prepping for the next night’s dinner. Long story short: these things went four-for-four. Each one was goddamned tasty (which can be attested to by those on whazzmaster who tried them, I believe).

All this to mention that the fourth night of Back to the Family-inspired dinners happened to fall on Saturday: college football during the day, Badger football at night, free UFC ‘pay-per-view’ (I’ll let wwhazz expound on that one), and Brewers and Cubs baseball. Mississippi Chicken and Rice with homemade cornbread turned out to be the perfect compliment to 6+ hours of various sports. By the way, GMX, the cornbread we made was straight outta Good Ol’ J.R.’s Country Homemade Cookbook you got me. So now I have two signed cookbooks: one from Oprah’s personal chef, and one from the WWE’s lead announcer. The cornbread was made in a cast-iron skillet, which got ultra-high marks from me. Anything made in a cast-iron pan is going to taste twenty to thirty times better.

Finally, Wisconsin sports are looking good, if shaky. Badgers are 2-0. Packers are 1-0. Brewers are back atop the division (for the moment). And wwhazz is winning Peterstiffly’s Whazzmaster NFL Pool. Incredibly.

HOLLLARIT Bakersfield.

148 thoughts on “The Bakersfield Wastelands

  1. Even though I’m working three jobs at least I got sweet hours.

    Bartend: sweet

    Teach 2:30-6:15 MW: sweet

    Teach 6:00-10:00 TR: Sweet

    One thing I hate, it’s waking up early.

  2. i am in a wiki black hole too… mine revolves around the much lamer subject of prime numbers.

    cal, i have a legal question for you… if the release of a prime generation function would empower the scientific community in ways that could better society infinitesimally, but at the same time render all digital encryption technology largely as useless as pig-latin, is it irresponsible to tell the mindless herds what they don’t yet pretend to know? also, if whazzmaster works on wednesday but can’t work on saturday, should you ask him to pull a double on sunday despite the lack of knowledge regarding his religious affiliation? also, should abortion be cheaper? like $100 seems right. 3 digits. base 10… the crutch of modern man. sigh… monkeys.

  3. any number can be represented as a product of primes… thus the primes are the only real numbers. when the prime generation function is used to define a number set of infinite numerals, math’s triviality comes into light.

  4. the beginning of the end

    i understand that the problem with the media is broadcast lies.

    i understand that the solution is to stop the lies.

    i understand that stopping the lies stops everything.

    i understand that the stop of everything is the end.

    smoke em if you got em. we’re in a fiat world. i love bananas.

  5. i have never pooped into my hand… but wow… if i pooped into my hand and then threw it at someone. wow. ultimate diss.

  6. I’m lost. You mean Optimus Prime? Like, the government has real transformers?

    Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha!

    Gimme pudding.

  7. “The Brewers need some cooperation from the Cubs, who were off Monday and finish the season with six games on the road. Chicago’s magic number — the combination of Cubs wins and Brewers losses needed to clinch the division title — remained at four.

    Yost doesn’t want his players doing too much math this week. He’d prefer they just concentrate on trying to win the rest of their games.

    Easier said than done, catcher Damian Miller said.

    “You can’t help it,” said Miller, ejected before the seventh inning. ‘It’s human nature to try to figure it out.’ ”

    Is this what you are talking about scientist? Magic numbers? And doesn’t that scab Damien Miller mean “monkey nature?”

  8. I just went to wwe.com for the first time since… June? Anyway, RAW was in Milwaukee last night. Had I known sooner, I probably would have gone.

  9. that is exactly what i was talking about. “human nature to try to FIGURE IT OUT”?!?! what is there to figure out? the answer implies itself. you don’t have to figure out that 8-3=5… 8-3 IS 5. they are the same thing. what fucking calculations is damien miller doing in his head? fucking monkeys. catch the ball.

  10. KTK, are you dead or what? can’t get ahold of you. perhaps the farm lost electricity and you and k-car are sitting around grading papers by candlelight so you can’t check your email, since you can’t power computers by candlelight.

    in any case, aforementioned weekend of pumpkin pickin’ fun is out since our cali based friend is now coming later and our madison based whazzman is opting out. still want to find a time. email or call when the power lines are up and running again!

  11. Pretty much the entire year compressed into two batters: Turnbow walks in a run, and then Bill Hall falls down chasing a fly ball in center field. Just a great all-around team. Meanwhile, Yost is cooking a pie in the clubhouse and I can hear McClung’s jaw cracking from 77.2 miles away.

  12. I wish fans were still allowed to throw fruit at the home team when they did something bad, like back in the 1800’s. I have a rotten avocado with Bill Hall’s name on it.

  13. This would have never happened if County Stadium was still around. Every time the Brewers have made it to the post-season, it was in County Stadium. I am starting the “Bring Back The County” petition. Name one: Zachery Moneypenny.

  14. Name two: Don Money? Name three: the guy who ran the speedpitch booth out behind the bleachers in center field. Statistically, his name was probably John. But it could have been something like Merl. Split the difference: Name Three: John Merl.

  15. I’m going to that filthy infrastructure-poor town of Minneapolis on 10/25. Why? For nothing more than to hear Apple people talk about how to develop applications for the iPhone.

  16. dude minneapolis rulz ok? RULZ! WE RULE! WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! ROCK YOU! WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! ROCK yOU (EVERYBODY) WE WILL WELE AIJFDAFDLOFJADSLJFDLAKJFDLAKFJADLKJAKHFJAKHFSAKJHFADSKJHFDAKJHFAKJHFDAKJFHSA GIMME TREAT GIMME TREAT!

    HOLY COW DID YOU SEE THAT? it was the ghost of KTK (rest in peace sister ktk you was always a good friend to me in my time of need. love,

    cal

  17. BIG J you say the writing and research was so great i say not so! it’s too much work i am tired . where is bell girl? tell us how is school bell girl? what’s your school like? i bet you don’t have to look up stupid citations in a “blue book” do you? you probably get to heal sick people huh. what are you learning? WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING. ok good night all!

  18. i want to play halo 3! i don’t have any of that stuff… and even if i had the money to buy that stuff i wouldn’t have the time to play any of it. but it looks cool and fun. are any of you playing halo 3? is it fun? i like fun! i want to play! not look up stupid big j’s idea of fun in a blue book. fdlaskjfdklajfdlaskjfdlakjfdklajfdklajfdsal

  19. Look dickweed, she’s learning about hearts and tonsils and using that little machine to look in people’s ears. So don’t bug her.

    As far as the Brewer’s go, I’m more pissed at Nedly that Bill Hall.

    1. So Prince got hit. So what. Play on. This is waaaaaay too important of a game and it was waaaaay too close to hit Pujols in retaliation. WALKS WILL HAUNT. Even cal knows that. Let it go and break his skull on opening day next year. That inning fell apart after we potato-balled Albert.

    2. The second Turnbow walked a dude, he should have been yanked. If he walks one, he walks a hundred. That’s SOP with that dude. Why on Earth did Ned let him walk a dude, then walk in a run and then decide to pull him? Stupid.

    And what’s up with this “cali based friend” shit? Is that odd nomenclature for my benefit? Like I care.

  20. if you accept the idea that lack of confidence hinders performance, then when you depend on performance most you should refrain from hindering confidence by any means. sort of like when tyra banks tells the ugly girl she did really good just to watch her destroy herself… but in this case to win baseball games.

    if turnbow knows he tends to spiral out of control after one walk, and he knows nedly knows it by nedly’s action in pulling him at the first sign of walkage, then in the short term turnbow’s confidence is shot and he becomes much less valuable to the team.

    if you believe that lack of confidence encourages an individual to adapt to minimize the seen triggers of that lack of confidence, then you are not nedly.

    pastime is another way to say waste of time.

  21. if the oil supply affects our country’s economy as much as we are led to believe it does, then aren’t we on an oil standard that nixes all attempts at balance through variable interest rates? today i ate a steak and a pint of vodka.

  22. i just saw bellgirls myspace page for the first time…. wow. myspace is a complete piece of shit, and every page i’ve ever seen has been a piece of shit, but BG, you really outdid yourself. your quality standards are impeccable. please understand how much it pains me to compliment anything affiliated with myspace. also, i put you in my top friends. that took about 10 minutes after i discovered that “edit top friends” is not on my “edit account” “edit profile” or “edit settings” pages or any of the 8 sub-menus on each of those pages that i don’t really see the difference between other than there is more places to clutter bullshit interfaces. so you want the only link to edit top friends anywhere? it’s on the homepage at the bottom of course. jesus christ that site sucks.

  23. I don’t think you can see it.

    I think you need to make an account and become cyber friends and do a secret handshake. My advice would be to not bother. If you really want to see it, look at it next time you are at our house.

    But I’m glad to see you cats like her page. I didn’t see her for a couple of weeks last August because she was up all night tinkering with that thing. She even stayed up later than me and that’s not easy.

  24. actually yes.

    r u still in daygo? i done been stuck in korea for too damn long this time. wanna TJ it up in october?

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