Holy Fuck I Hate Charter Communications

When last we talked about the subject, I hated Charter because they turned off my internet access for a week and then told me it was my fault. I hated them a bit more in the early summer when the ‘introductory rate’ on my cable/phone/internet package expired and my bills went from $110 to $140+ per month. We luckily escaped the phone/internet Charter hellhole when our apartment building installed in-unit internet access jacks. They contracted with a local ISP that had some kick-ass rates: $250/year for internet and $250/year for phone service (including all-you-can-eat long distance.)

All this to say that I now only have to pay charter $54.99/month for the most basic cable possible. No DVR, no HD, no premium channels. I keep wishing that I could get DirecTV and not have to deal with the most hellish company put on god’s green earth. Actually, I really wish that I could just fucking pay for the 5 channels I that I ever watch (NBC, FOX, ESPN, Cartoon Network, and Spike TV).

It’s not only Charter fucking dumbfuck customer service, or the fact that they charge you many times more than compeititors for the same product AND dumbfuck customer service. As some of you may know, the Big Ten Network recently launched, which by contract carries some of the football games. You woulda thunk that the first priority for the BIG TEN NETWORK would be to get contracts in all of the cities or towns where a FUCKING BIG TEN SCHOOL IS. Big Ten Network knows this, but Charter “Fucking” Communications didn’t like the price so told them to fuck off. What that means: I can’t watch the Wisconsin/Ohio State game this weekend because it will be Big Ten Network-only. That ain’t the punchline, though. I happened to read the Daily Cardinal yesterday and they had a quote from dumbfuck central: Charter Communications:

Charter Communications, Madison-area cable provider, has tried to negotiate the network as part of its line-up, but no deal has been reached since the network’s launch in August.

“Our position is that we are more than willing to carry the network, but due to the high cost of the network, we cannot put it on expanded basic where it goes to everyone and have everyone’s bills impacted by it,” said John Miller, a Charter spokesperson.

According to Miller, BTN ranks as the third highest costing service on Charter’s lineup, which he said might be the reason Time-Warner and Comcast also do not have contracts with BTN.

Mike Vest, media relations manager for BTN, said there are currently more than 30 million households that receive BTN.

“We have more than 150 distribution agreements with cable providers, plus DirectTV and DISH Network,” Vest said via e-mail, stressing these agreements are evidence that BTN is willing to negotiate and “strike a deal.”

HERE’S the punchline: I got a letter from Charter Communications today and it reads, “Charter is committed to providing you greater value – with enhanced programming, more choices, and superior quality for your entertainment services. The following price adjustments reflect the increased value of these services and will take effect on December 1, 2007.”

You motherfucking shitheels.

I will now be charged $59.99 for the most basic cable package. No DVR, no HD, no premium channels. The fucking asshole-eating fuckwad rimjob motherfuckers want me to pay $5 more per month for exactly nothing. Oh! Thanks a lot for adding MTV3 to my cable lineup! It’s really expanding my fucking entertainment value, you giant pieces of shit.

Eat shit and die, Charter Communications. You’re dead to me.

80 thoughts on “Holy Fuck I Hate Charter Communications

  1. in a world where everything is everywhere, is anything anywhere? such is charter communications. stop feeding them.

    GMX, did you wetten your man-panties when the quake hit?

    i took a job in seattle… i’ll telecommute at first and maybe help their san jose office get going, so i might be in yay often. whazzman, can i get a list of telecommute tips and tricks? cal, i haven’t forgotten my obligation as your paralegal pending your graduation, but crackers got to eat crackers, ya feel me? crackers ain’t free. i’m a lame employed monkey again. blargh.

  2. If it please the court yes, ’tis true, crackers got to eat crackers, the truth of this may not be disputed.

    But! But! It is a sad day for all of whazzmaster.com, a terrible day! they tricked you back into the yoke! I said it couldn’t done but they went out and wrangled the scientist! WHAT HAPPENED??? All the telecommuting and vacation days and benefits in the world can’t replace the card rooms and the limitless hours and the endless nights and the… the… you are throwing it all away! lo how the might has fallen! the wax wings of the madd scientist have melted into a dry cracker on the desert floor– Fly away! fly on the wings of poesy– On the wings of wifey’s health insurance! thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!

    Somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright, The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light… And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout; But there is no joy in Mudville—mighty Casey has struck out!!!

  3. agreed on charter rage. add to list, please: sprint, TDS, UPS, quickbooks helpline (sorry, whazzman), and the phonebook for listing both trilobyte pictures and “mrs. rodrigez” as having the same number, hence tons o’ calls for mrs. R to my business line.

  4. i have a 619 number now, so naturally i get tons of mexicans calling me. i always say “donde esta la biblioteca” then they say some name again and i say “en la bicicleta?” and they hang up.

    all cable companies are bastards. especially ones that require you get digital cable even though it provides absolutely no value to the consumer. you can get on demand movies on a tivo with a network card through amazon. the tivo has a better guide and it doesn’t have to communicate with the cable offices ever time you change a channel. consumers need to revolt if they want things better, but consumers are pussies. melted wings.

  5. cal, i’m not sure if i’m inspired or insulted by your words, but i appreciate them greatly. seriously though… limitless hours… GONE. what is more valuable, $1,000,000 or one second? the answer is batman.

  6. Most Depressing Moments 2006-2007
    1. pokerroom.com shuts its doors to US players
    2. The Fish Tacos lose in the semis
    3. Skeezer back on the job

    Scientist back on the job is like re- instituting slavery, but even worse is how well he’s taken to it. Right away he’s off to the Value-Mart to stock up on tins of fine hair cream. He went to St. Vinny’s and traded his “Cleveland Steamer” t-shirt for someone’s dead uncle’s suit. The saddest part is the cosmetic surgery. Whazzmaster showed me a picture and I was taken back. Whoa, he got the gap fixed. But then I looked closer: white play-doh. It’s really sad when people try to be something that they aren’t.

  7. Due to various gifts purchased online over the last 5 years, I am subscribed to dozens of dumb mailing lists from companies like Toys R Us (imagine the R is backwards for full effect), HearthSong, etc. I used to just delete them without reading, but recently I’ve taken to unsubscribing from all of them. One thing that gets my goat, however, is that when you unsubscribe from an email mailing list using an online website and it says “It may take up to a week to unsubscribe you.” Motherfucker, delete my entry in your goddamn database; what, do you have to ship a piece of paper with instructions on it to India to get someone to flip a bit on whatever user profile you built around me when I bought a tub of Legos for my niece two xmases ago? Fuck you.

  8. oh yeah, scientist on the grind again,
    saying he don’t mind again
    sleeping normal time again? what a crime again, heienkien, remember the COW of the week in the oni-e-on?
    is the Den still around again?
    Sometimes I’d buy a pack of gum at the den again
    and maybe browse all the t shirts but not buy any
    before the stupid idea to go to law school
    now all i do is study
    and try to beat these little jerks
    but i can’t because i’m TOO DUMB
    unlike the rumthumb
    in sconnie it gets very cold and yr nose goes numb
    THE END!

    that was rapping from me (your friend cal)

    Ode to a skeezer

  9. bought a tub of legos
    throw em in the tub
    rub a dub dub
    blub blub blub
    heat waves du du du
    where is the skeezer
    that’s his que

    he i read that guy biden said something about the queue of photographers at some event except it prounounced it “kway” hahahahahahahahahahah

    joseph biden
    better just chill
    rin tin tin
    he probably won’t win
    clinton’s in
    like skeezer in a suit
    on the first day at work
    jerk

  10. he was probably sitting around at home and came across a that word and was like hmmmm kwaaa…kwaaaa…kwaaayyyy… ahahahhahahahahahahaahahahahahah misfortunes of others!

    boom@yourmom.cal

  11. cal, suck on this misfortune of mispronunciation… the year: 2002ish. the place: executive meeting at SST. the individual: my boss anthony.

    dude says something like “i was reading a prominent bee-log and blah blah”

    dude is sitting around at home… comes across “Blog” everywhere, doesn’t know what it means, but he’s all kwaaaaaaaaaa. it is short for “web log”, and even then it is a retarded way to describe a website, but dude doesn’t care, he just knows the group of computer nerds call websites Bee-Logs, so now he has to call them Bee-Logs in meetings so the other computer nerds will accept him. well read this bee-log: you’re an idiot.

  12. fuck it, cause cal didn’t make it fucking rhyme for real…
    but, yo, technically he’s as hard as veal
    gonna
    get it
    together
    WATCH IT!
    MA BELLLLLLLLLLLLLLl

  13. Last night spacebee and i stayed in, made some Mississippi Chicken & Rice, watched Borat and Transformers, and then went to the Main Depot for more booze and darts. The perfect night. The downside: we slept until 11:15am and woke up hungover as shit. Sorry pals for missing breakfast. We probably could have used it.

  14. Flying out to cali tomorrow morning. Don’t forget to turn your clocks back an hour, stick yer thumb in yer bum, and screw.

  15. last night me and spacebee…
    stayed in!
    made some chicken and rice… for din!
    watched some borat then darts and gin..
    and then we went home because we live in sin

    MA BELL!

  16. i am in the bakersfield airport delayed as shit waiting to fly to cali (from cali) on a crop duster, so i can take a later flight to sea-tec (9) so i can flop on a bed around 3am to go to my first day of work at 7. i’m fucked. free internet in the terminal though……………

  17. CUT AND PASTED FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE from St. Paul Pioneer Press.

    The world according to Carl
    A documentary film tells the story of St. Paul resident Carl Bentson and his generous heart.
    DON BOXMEYER
    Article Last Updated: 11/08/2007 10:13:23 AM CST

    Carl Bentson, 43, displays the product of a favorite hobby: drawing sketches of automobiles. “Carl’s goodness has no ulterior motives,” says Emily Rumsey, the editor of “Mr. Positive,” the documentary film about his life. (SHERRI LAROSE-CHIGLO, Pioneer Press)

    Perhaps you’ve seen Carl. He’s around town on the three-wheel bicycle festooned with flags, mirrors, reflectors, a canopy, a windshield off a Harley-Davidson and lights. A guy who pedals 9,000 miles a year ought to have lights.

    Carl Bentson from the West End of St. Paul has a lot of things, if you count all the friends who cherish the quiet, cheerful school custodian, and now he has a 30-minute documentary film, appropriately called “Mr. Positive,” inspired by his extraordinary life.

    Carl, 43, knows things. He knows so many, many things by heart: when the big old automobile plants folded; which Cadillac had the largest fins; how far it is to Madison, Wis. (“252 miles. You can drive it.”); and just where Legoland is at the Mall of America.

    His good friend and mentor, physician and author Tim Rumsey, has called Carl a savant, with a special genius for memory and spatial orientation. At the same time, his verbal IQ is low, attributed to something called Cornelia de Lange syndrome. Carl does not drive a car, but he works every day. Carl is not married, but he owns his own home, manages his own money and makes his own meals. He hates dandelions but likes to dress up, draw pictures of cars and go to the Ordway, air shows, auto shows and Duluth. Above all, he likes people.

    “Carl’s goodness has no ulterior motives,” says Emily Rumsey, Tim Rumsey’s daughter and the editor of “Mr. Positive.”

    “He absolutely loves people. He has no ego.”

    The documentary she
    Advertisement
    worked on with others in her family was at least seven years in the making and will premiere at 7 and 8 p.m. Saturday at the West Seventh Community Center, 265 Oneida St. The film was produced by St. Paul’s “Media Mike” Hazard at his Center for International Education. Hazard has done other documentaries on local icons such as Tiger Jack Rosenbloom and U.S. Sen. Eugene McCarthy.

    That’s a long way from Carl’s less-than-auspicious start in life. He was given up by his rural Minnesota parents and spent his first four years in a state hospital. When the hospital closed, Carl was fortunate to become one of the 162 foster children of Vashti Risdall, one of Ramsey County’s premier foster mothers.

    Vashti died in 2003 at the age of 100, but she was interviewed in the documentary at length years earlier, talking about the very special son who, even after he was on his own, would push his snow blower two miles to her house.

    “When Vashti was very old, she asked me if I could take over and watch Carl,” says Karen Koeppe, a former neighbor who still lives on the West End. “It has gone way beyond taking care of. He is very important in my life. He is family. He calls my mother his mother.”

    “I’ll go to Mama’s for Thanksgiving,”
    Carl Bentson is pictured with his three-wheel bicycle outside his home on St. Clair Avenue on St. Paul’s West End. (SHERRI LAROSE-CHIGLO, Pioneer Press)
    Carl says, “That’s out in Waverly. Hubert Humphrey was from Waverly.”

    Carl and Karen, who does not have children, spend a lot of time together going to plays, art galleries, riding trains and going to restaurants. He likes to wear a really quality suit that Karen had tailored for him from one of her late father’s suits.

    Carl is a custodian at Bridgeview School, where he went to school as a child. When I first wrote about him in 1999, his supervisors said he was an exceptional employee and so enthusiastic about picking up trash and refuse that he often went off school grounds after it and had to be reminded that there was nothing in his job that required him to clean up the surrounding neighborhood.

    In the documentary, neighbors say no leaf, dandelion or longish blade of grass in anyone’s yard is safe when Carl is around and that he can be counted on to keep the sidewalks clear with any one of his three husky snow blowers.

    Carl is a colorful fixture of the West Seventh Street-Fort Road parade, riding his distinctive bike and waving cheerfully as bystanders call his name.

    His small home on St. Clair Avenue near West Seventh is filled with books and magazines, colorful paper and fabric flowers and accurately detailed pencil drawings of Carl’s favorite autos. His table is formally set for company, and he changes his decorations, inside and out, with the seasons. Thanksgiving’s coming up, he says, then Christmas.

    “People often underestimate what he can do,” says Karen, “and that is unfortunate because doctors sometimes don’t share with him information they should, information that he can handle.”

    At the same time, Carl’s innocence makes him vulnerable because he assumes everyone is a friend. Some acquaintances have used Carl in financial deals that went sour. Karen has managed to iron those out.

    Through the years, he’s ridden his bike to Red Wing, Taylors Falls and Forest Lake, as many as 9,000 miles a year. He was knocked off his bike and lost it, however, to a gang of youths at Dale and University one year. He doesn’t range so far afield these days, Karen says. He stays closer to home or takes the bus.

    In the documentary, Carl is at one of his favorite haunts – Porky’s on University Avenue for the weekly car show. The beat cop, Steve Japps, puts his cap on Carl and lets him direct traffic into and out of the lot.

    Carl directs them out, saying to each one, “Put your belts on! Please.”

    This documentary will be available for sale and also will be offered to the independent film channels on television, Emily Rumsey and Media Mike say.

    “Carl is important to me,” says Mike. “He takes time to smell the roses and to thank people. He has made me feel like I want to be a better citizen and care about my neighbors.

    “He’s a gift.”

    Retired Pioneer Press columnist Don Boxmeyer can be reached at donboxmeyer@comcast.net.

  18. it’s all: “I’ll go to Mama’s for Thanksgiving,” I’ll decorate with books and magazines, colorful paper and fabric flowers,… then WHAM he’s got your credit card. and you know what happens next… CREDIT FRAUD. STOLEN IDENTIFICATION. I hate to see this sort of thing happening to you people. CARL. IS. NOT. HIS. NAME.

    WAKE UP!!!

  19. rumthumbs i’d watch your movie. i would watch it for the editing at the least. i would probably not want to hang out with DON BOXMEYER however. i mean gang of youths? honestly?

  20. carl and don FRONTING
    carl and don FRONTING
    stop FRONTING carl and don
    stop FRONTING carl and don
    gang of youth knocking your bike over

  21. i am too old to be in a gang of youths now. maybe i could be the leader. i wish i had a gang. is whazzmaster a gang? we should make jackets!

  22. Carl and Karen, who does not have children, spend a lot of time together going to plays, art galleries, riding trains and going to restaurants. He likes to wear a really quality suit that Karen had tailored for him from one of her late father’s suits.

    Honestly Don? a really quality suit? longish blade of grass? you lose don. you. lose.

  23. KAREN! WAKE UP! DUDE HAS YOUR DAD’S SUIT ON!

    tomorrow people will be calling HIM karen. because he STOLE your identity like he stole your suit. fruit stripe gum.

  24. seriously! THANK YOU MADD! finally someone SEES! it’s obvious… i mean… A) does karen have children? NO. Does she have the clothes inhereted from her father anymore? NOPE. Funny how carl manages to meet this nice woman just when she comes into some good clothes and has a giant hole in her life… oh… look who shows up? do you have a credit card number to pay for the tailor Karen? just send ol’ carl i’ll bike it over on my crazy ass bike! am i correct don? have i hit on your genius! DON BROXMEER!

  25. I got money
    like Charles Dickens
    Got the girlies in the coupe like the colonel’s got the chicken

    drums please! summa summa summa time!

  26. i got in one little fight and don broxmeier got scared he said your movin with auntie and unkle in bel air. i whistled for a cab and when it came near the licence plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror! if anything i could say that this cab is rare But I thought naw forget it yo homes to bel air!

  27. also, rumthumbs… think about your quote… the first thing you say about dude is that he isn’t doing it for an ulterior motive… aren’t you really admitting to suspicion that he did have an ulterior motive or at least the notion that you expect whoever comprehends your words to have suspicious of ulterior motives? why not just say, HEY! CARL IS GREAT! you know why… because carl is a fibber. go to the movies get the rolos.

  28. Yo cal,

    Walked past your old place last night. Thought of you in ole Andy’s arms and I RANG THE DOORBELL AND RAN.

    HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHYHAHAHAHaHAHAHhahahahahaha

    Fuck Springer

  29. he trotted over and invented a line, he said excuse me, um, do you happen to have the time?” all was on his mind was sex, sex, sex so she said “why do ask? you got your own timex.

    COLD BLOODED!

  30. I fucking hate them. I fucking HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE them. WORST service provider on the planet. Their automated fucking tele-prompt answering systems can kiss my ASS. They should pay me about $400 in rebates for the time I’ve wasted on the phone trying to get their problems resolved. HATE HATE THEM!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  31. lara– come on chill out! look, i care about you alright? don’t say the answering system can kiss your ass. hesitation is the best cure for anger ok? I’ll send you the four hundred alright? look, when you get home we’ll work this out. you can’t lose another job over this — I KNOW YOU’RE ON THE PHONE ALL DAY — THIS ISN’T ABOUT THAT. just come home and we’ll work it out. i’m sorry. happy valentines day, love, cal

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