Things I Hate: The Movie

So I was thinking about writing a single post about all the shitty things I’ve encountered recently, and I wanted to shorten it. Hmm, “shitty things”, “shitthings”, “shittings”. Shittings? Fuckin’ Rich Hall and his sniglets. I decided to abandon that tract and just list things that have annoyed me lately. I call it, Getting-Back-To-My-Blogging-Roots-ism.

In no particular order:

  • I was reading Newsweek on the plane this morning and there was an article about how America’s relatively recent love affair with ‘anit-bacterial’ shit may not be good for us in the long run. Partly because of the old saw that it will create ‘superbugs’, but most of the article detailed how much good bacteria there is in our bodies, and declaring Total War on them would not be good for our health. Things were going along fine until it said that some bacteria in the stomach may actually be responsible for food cravings. In particular, on study found that a certain strain of microbe was responsible for desiring chocolate. Interesting. And what esteemed institute released the study? The NestlĂ© Research Center. Motherfucker, Newsweek, you’re now regurgitating research from a candy company? You got that follow-up study on the respiratory benefits of Crunch Bars versus Swedish Fish? Idiots.
  • The Kansas City International airport can go to hell. Each gate ‘area’ includes from three to five gates, and each has its own security area. So when you switch planes at this hellhole you get off the plane, leave the gate, walk down a hallway, and go through the entire ridiculous sham of ‘security’ again before boarding your connecting flight. And until recently, there were no restrooms in the gate areas. So to go to the bathroom you to end up going through security again. Ugh. Just ugh.
  • I don’t want to see Bee Movie and Jerry Seinfeld can go to hell. His dumbfuck show wasn’t funny either; it was a bunch of assholes being assholes to humanity. I can see why America fell in love with it.
  • I don’t like it when people who aren’t me use my username. You, sir, are trading on my good reputation as a consternated, bitter man.

Still got an hour before this delayed Midwest Airlines flight boards here in fabulous and sophisticated Kansas City. I’ll amuse myself by watching the horde of people in Favre jerseys getting off the flights and running for the exit, their portly bodies and green-n-gold beaded necklaces swaying hypnotically. God save any KC native standing between an invading Packers fan and a bucket of hot wings. Or chili cheese fries. The end.

84 thoughts on “Things I Hate: The Movie

  1. Homes was like, google “example essay”, pick the first thing offered, hand it in.

    BOOM. College is easy. Shit it!

  2. interesting. how did you know to go googgle it; did it sound extra suspicious? You know, there are many apple orchards in southern wisconsin. it’s plausible that he really did work at an apple plant; unless he thought it was the apple computer factory– they don’t make that shit round those parts.

  3. Ha! Just kidding!

    I was hunting down a different suspected cheater when I came across the internet apple essay. Earlier in the day I had skimmed the student version, so when I found it, I pretty much went ape shit.

    Overall it’s real easy to catch cheaters. You get familiar with a student’s writing style, so when they bust out something new, it’s pretty obvious.

    Also, they hand in drafts and prewriting, so if need be, I can go CSI and look it all over. Something like the apple essay (with its organization and use of topic sentences and shit) would not just come farting out of an author. There would be an outline and rough drafts and progression from draft to draft. These poo poo heads do not comprehend the invisible work that goes into writing. They think a rough draft with a few spelling errors will throw me off the trail.

    If a student wanted to cheat and get away with it, they would need to buy an essay off the internet and then take it apart into an outline and then use that outline to make a rough draft– way too much work. And like most petty criminals, the cheaters are either really lazy, really stupid or simply desperate, so they don’t have the time nor mental capacity.

  4. I open the bar tomorrow, and one of the cool things about opening is you get to pick the drink specials and the free shot trivia of the day.

    On the back shelf we have three dusty bottles of van gogh chocolate vodka, so I’m making 1$ shot of chocolate vodka the special and the trivia question is going to be “who invented chocolate vodka?”

    Acceptable answers will be your mom or unknown or Vincent Van Gogh.

  5. law school SUCKS. im sitting in a practice torts exam about 3 hours into it and im done but everyone else is still typing away page after page. i really didnt think school would suck as much as it does and everyone keeps saying that it just gets worse next year.

  6. what sucks about it? it’s hard or just a waste of time? too much to remember and no room for personal development? being surrounded by idiots who have no business in the logic business? any hot girls around?

  7. because it’s what i want to do. i enjoy the law it’s just that law school sucks. it’s difficult and consumes every moment of your time. im not a huge fan of law students either. mostly type A personality, conservative, and super competitive. they are also really bright, median lsat is 94th percentile, and i feel dumb a lot. some professors use socratic method to terrorize students and/or affirm their superiority so class can sometimes involve a significant element of terror. it’s not as logic-based as you would think. i agree with cal that it’s a skill they are teaching and not specific knowledge. ive learned a lot and am glad i did it but the process sucks. not really many pretty girls but i think that is more colored by them droning on about how awesome they are and how bright their future is. lots of self-important people. couple of wierdos too. there is one girl who never wears shoes. she just walks around barefoot all day in school. even into the bathroom. i have an afternoon torts with her and her feet are always jet black.

  8. gross, i wonder if she will start wearing shoes when it gets cold, like now. does she have shoes in her backpack and she takes them off when she gets there? how gross. do you think she’ll go into a court with no shoes?

  9. she doesnt even have shoes she just has sandals and she takes them off when she gets here and throws them in her locker and then its no shoes for the rest of the day.

  10. my favorite teacher in college would take his shoes and socks off during lecture. i had a huge crush on him. his name was jack and he was not only hot, but incredibly interesting. his best lecture was on walt whitman’s love of fellatio. we saw him at another prof’s party last year. i had way too much to drink and totally hit on him. anyway, that’s all for me and the shoeless wonder.

  11. how do you hit on a guy who openly discusses the concept of loving fellatio without sucking his dick?

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