What was I talking about? Bluegill? Fuck that– s’all about TROUT now, holmes. Two weeks ago Lawman and I went out to Salmo Pond and I hooked some bass while he brought in three nice trout. He even gave me one to take home and cook and it was delicious. I can’t wait to go out there again.
This weekend wasn’t it, though, as Spacebee and I went on another World Tour from Madison down to Aurora, IL and then back up to Racine for a Memorial Day Cookout & Beer Pong Spectacular. That was fun games day/brat patty fest. And speaking of brats, we also hit Brat Fest over at the Alliant Energy Center on Saturday. Every year that thing gets a little more extravagent– this year they had carnival rides, two music stages, a gigantic condiment tent, and KAYAK RIDES. Dollar fifty brats ain’t bad neither.
On the way home from Racine we stopped at Potowatami so Spacebee could turn in her silver key for a “chance to win” $100,000. I’m quoting it because it’s stretching things like plastic man with his dick stuck in his zipper to say that that fucking travesty is even a contest. In this “contest” they will announce a $1,000 winner every day at 8am and 8pm from now until June 19th. The catch: you not only have to present to win the $1000, but you have to check in within SEVEN MINUTES or they will pick a new name. Now, let’s just say you manage to sprint from wherever you are in the casino to where you have to check in. You get your 1K, and then you get to pick from 3 magical fucking treasure chests. One of them has a golden ticket, which gets you an entrance to the Grand Prize drawing. Of course, you also must be present to win the $100,000 grand prize. I don’t know, but presume, that you must claim it within 13 seconds if you are announced as the winner. Of course, this is the same brand of Not-A-Contest Contest that we have seen so much from the Milwaukee Brewers (often in league with the very same sham casino). Example: “If Dave Bush throws a no-hitter and the runs add up to 21 and JJ Hardy hits for the cycle in the 10th inning one lucky fan wins a $100 gift certificate to Dream Dance!” Fuck you, Potowatami Bingo & Casino.
So, the Brewers suck this year. I’m really, really leaning on the fact that they play 5 out of every 4 games on the goddamned road so far this year while the Cubs whup on Pitssburgh at home seemingly every other game, but who knows at this point. The pitching rotation is a certified mess, the pen is already shitty, and up and down the lineup dudes can’t buy a hit. That’s not a winning formula. And now Melvin is picking up any old broke-dick dog free agent with a 102.7 ERA which should be a terrific solution to the woes. I say someone coat a tack with roids and put it on Gagne’s clubhouse chair. Or something. I’m not even sure at this point.
Next week we’re camping up in Door County so I’ll be indisposed. Either it will be a fun trip or I’ll be buried alive in a terrifying avalanche of spiders. The former brings untold riches of stories and anecdotes; the latter brings horrific death and this story holding the front page in perpetuity. Seeya, cowboy.