Madd Scientist

Stop the goddamned flim-flammery and skullduggery: are you coming back for the holidays or not?Β  Also: any hot tips on Intuit stock?

95 thoughts on “Madd Scientist

  1. Can’t wait to do a legal review of The New Batch! Flying gremlins must run afoul of some kind of FAA laws or provisos.

  2. “you can’t dismiss your liability if there isn’t a reasonable expectation of compliance.”…. i don’t think the law is on my side there…. like a supreme court split decision type thing. like website agreements where you have to scroll to read it, but the “i accept” button is visable, and the software has the capability to know whether or not you scrolled at all, and even if you didn’t scroll, still lets you say “i accept” and then they sue you for shit at the bottom that they know you never saw. that shit just went split in scotus and now we’re all fucked.

    the internet will be illegal by 2012. way to go jackholes.

  3. The future history has been written: the internet was declared illegal in 2012, and gremlins were banned in 2017 after Justice Scalia misinterpreted the words ‘;eat’ and ‘midnight’.

  4. cal, i’m very disappointed in your professionalism towards response time to your earliest pro-bono clients.

  5. It just occurred to me: what liability, if any, does the initial mogwai (‘Gizmo’ in this case) have in this case? Innocent bystander? Or spawn-lord of the damned?

  6. The Wings were way broke and “Rand Peltzer is an inventor of modest abilities and questionable success,” whose son had “taken up a job at the bank to make ends meet for his parents,” according to Wikipedia. If you sue them, you’ll just get a piece of paper saying you won and never see a cent.

  7. so if you sued them you’d definitely win but never see a cent, or that is the best possible outcome? i think my dog might be a spawn-lord. can i get insurance for that?

  8. I don’t know that you would definitely win in the first place, but that if you did, I think there would be no money collected. I was never too good at torts, I just remember there is no point in suing poor people. I do think that the disclaimer is too vague to be enforceable. There’s the whole midnight problem, and letting them get wet under some circumstances is ok (snow).

    Criminal proceedings might be tricky too. There has to be some level of awareness that your actions could lead to the results. For the Peltzers, were they even aware that multiplying and turning into Gremlins would happen if the rules were broken? A crime might be tough to prove. For Wing, maybe a bit easier.

  9. that sounds about right. the law is useless, just go burn that chinaman’s store down and call it a day.

    nomenclature.

  10. wwwzzzz you are promoted to partner. you found the deep pockets- THE CHAIR LIFT PEOPLE. you think it’s ok to sell exploding chair lifts to old ladies do you? not in MY COUNTRY! (queue apollo creed)

  11. the chair lift never would have malfunctioned if the electronics weren’t tampered with by the gremlins.

    at what point does the potential for tampering turn into negligence? tamper resistant materials add excessive weight and cost to the product, making it less accessible.

    i say sue the feds for allowing the import of the evil chinese merchandise, but still burn down the chinaman’s shop.

  12. why aren’t the border patrol stopping more cars when gremlins are ruining this nation?!#%(*^!#

    FUCK FREEDOM.

  13. i like it when sam watterson acts like his character is acting like he’s furious in court.

    GREMLINS(*@#%^(*!#^%

  14. my landlord is trying to screw to me as usual… we needed to give 20 days notice, and we’re moving out on jan 11th, and we gave it a few days ago… now they are saying they don’t offer pro-rated rates unless you gave notice by 20 days before the end of the money before the month that you want to stay part of.

    i’m done with the law. fire is so much easier. i still want to find that fat fucker from the yay’s lexus and burn that fucker up.

  15. and we gave it on the 12th or 13th, so they are being super super cuntty dykes. CUNT BURNIN’ TIME.

  16. Dear Whazzmaster,

    good morning, I was thinking last night that I should dig around in the old internet system for a great speech I read by the late great David Foster Wallace. Sadlly, David Foster Wallace killed himself this summer and when he did this speech was reprinted in the old timey “newspaper” i that receive on my doorstep Wednesday through Sunday. Today being Tuesday, I received no “newspaper” I will instead listen to my old timey radio for my news. But I digress. I had read some of the things that DFW had written in the past and some of it I liked and some of it I did not like as much, but after reading this speech I felt really sad that he isn’t around any more. Last night I was thinking that after I dug up this speech I would post it thus forcing you to read it, but I won’t do that, instead I will be more civilized and post a link:

    http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html

    RIP David Foster Wallace

  17. Cal, you still have to read a book of my choice for losing an old dinger league bet. Remember when you made me read Crime and Punishment? Fucker took me like five months. Maybe I should see how OG you really are and cram Infinite Jest down your gullet.

  18. Do you really get the paper delivered? You gonna give your paper man a Christmas tip or you too busy “loaning” out all your money?

  19. a classic! hey i saw the complete works of frank norris 7 volumes all leathered out for 350. not in this economy.

  20. I wonder how they filled seven? Were they thick?

    Mcteague, Octo,The Pit and Vandover are longish but
    his short stories, his ArtiCALs and fruitty French poems are short.

  21. you just solicited me to commit a crime. that’s a crime in itself homey, you going to jail. the crime you committed is called solicitation. it’s an inchoate crime which means before or something. it’s how you can bust people who pick up prostitutes. they solicit them. BUSTED. here’s the thing though, you have to have the intention that I commit the crime and I think you are joking.so i will not make a citizen arrest. you got off lucky. next time i catch you soliciting crimes you goin to the big house. believe that.

  22. yeah thick. there were “critiCAL essays” i think they were called… come on out to frisco and we’ll get the dude to take em down off the shelf and page through them, then we run! we need 5 other friends to pull this off. and we gotta go to mcteague’s saloon man! mcteague’s saloon on polk street for crying out loud! i have never been i will wait for my whazzmaster friends. if you never come, i will never go. that is the decision i have made and i will live with my decision. dude i woke up at four last night and couldn’t fall back asleep. what’ sup wtih that? now i’m in crazy land and think i’m going to go back to bed. no school/work i’m in scientist land. filled with freezer booze mushrooms and computer blues. read em and weep. read em and weep.

  23. 2 flies were buzzing around my head… they were both boy flies. in a magnificent display of technical abilities and understanding of the flies psyche, i reached up and crushed one of the flies in my hand. then i chewed up the fly and spit out the wings. the other fly lands on my nose and asks me, “what’s death?”.

    fucking lsd burnouts annoy me. surprised it took him so long to tie the noose. maybe he didn’t know how? maybe he should have asked a fish?

  24. the dude is just another retard contradiction artist… not by talent though… he just doesn’t have the memory buffer or concept of nothingness required to state anything valid. there are no lessons here other than this is a horrible suicidal speaker who is wasting all of our time before the graduation party that we didn’t forget to buy food or booze for. and why are we drinking booze anyways? understanding the meaninglessnessary of booze is beyond any of you college monkey’s abilities.

  25. wow… didn’t even know he hung himself and i called it. so obvious. i mean, who talks about gun to head suicide in a commencement speech?!#%)&*

    A: someone who has feelings of inferiority for determining they don’t have the cojones to do it themselves.

    he should have worked at a gas station.

  26. bullets come to a stop. gravity never does in his head… but that’s only because he doesn’t Truly (capital T) understand what gravity is. if he did the fear of gravity running out before his life energy expired might have stopped him enough to make another run to piggly wiggly for baloney or asparagus or whatever this chump ate between crying.

    if i were in the audience i would have ripped a super loud fart and yelled “GO SNIFF ON IT CHARLIE”… cause WHO THE FUCK IS CHARLIE?!#%(*!#

  27. 40 GALLON TANK!#%(*^!%(*^

    20 GALLON TANK πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    ROADS BLOCKED(!*#^(*!#&^%(*&

    ROADS EXIST πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    douuuuuuuuuuuuuche. STFU and… oh you already did.

  28. fucking wordpress slackers. fix your fucking regular expressions. you missed half my smileys. why even write software if you’re going to fuck it up?

    fucking retards.

  29. did you see the suicide girls released new media?! i wonder what college they’ll be speaking at next year.

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