Liveblog: It’s A Wonderful Life

I’ve got five-sixth’s a bottle of scotch and a DVD player and time on my hands.  There will be a test on this (no, there really will be– Spacebee’s father has an itsa-wonderful-life quiz that we take every xmas) so let’s get started:

0:00:05 Goddamned bells.

0:00:30 Donna Reed is in this movie– old people love her– I need to remember that she is in this damn movie.

0:01:13 There is a picture of Santa doing a front kick.  Thai boxer? Or Saint?

0:02:03 Explore the cosmic mysteries of the universe with Frank goddamned Capra.  Are those nova, supernovae, or binary star systems?  Also– fucking GOD agrees that Clarence has the intelligence of a rabbit.  A rabbit!  That’s cold as ice.  Clarence is continually browbeaten by St. Joseph.

0:04:24 Depression Era Jackass: Hi I’m Johnny Knoxville and this is ‘slide into the icy cold murk’.

0:05:50 Mr. Gower: proof that even a yuletide classic can prominently display mean old drunks.  Was he drinking creosote in the back of the drug store? Scotch? Mercury?

0:06:55 Does Cal have a jen-you-wine National Geographic Explorer’s certificate? Mr. Gower smokes a cigar in a room full of ether and other high explosives.  Safety is job one in Bedford Falls.

0:08:44 Ask Dad, Ke Knows Best.

0:09:35 Mr. Potter’s mobile throne is one of the greatest cinematic devices ever.  Fucker’s got it all: bitches, wheels, skrills.  Well, no bitches, but definitely the wheels and skilla.

0:11:00 Motherfuckers jump up to get beat down.  Also: the best way to tell if something is poisonous is to dip your finger in and taste it… it’s just science.

0:13:25 The store underneath the Savings & Loan is called Anderson’s.  And across the street is a florist.  The theater in town is called the Bijou Theater.

0:14:30 Never realized that Mrs. Bailey almost leapt into a discussion of the birds and the bees with the housekeeper.  Also, racist sexism pervades this scene.  “No gin tonight son.” “Aww, just a little pop?” “Not a drop.”

0:19:31 Sam Wainwright was primarily responsible for the subprime mortgage crash.  Class of 1928.  Meanwhile, Violet’s trying to throw her titties in George’s hand.  CHARLESTON CONTEST?! THAT’S UNPOSSIBLE!  You just don’t see a good charleston contests anymore.  Old white men judging lots of high school girls prancing around stinks a bit– but we all know sex wasn’t invented until 1968.

0:23:06 Might be the only time in history where someone’s revenge was achieved through a stolen set of keys to a movable floor.

0:24:50 Kinda weird that when she says she’s 18 and George is like “EIGHTEEN?!” she says “too young or too old?”  What the fuck?! I don’t think she’d want to be hangin with a 25 year old who thinks 18 is too old.  Christ, the 20’s were fucked up.  No wonder shit fell apart.

0:28:00 Neked Mary!  I think the bush is a metaphor.  For.  Her bush.  Her hydrangia bush.  Also: George is wearing the Number 3.

0:30:31 So you can just call a vote to shut down a business and turn its assets over to yourself?  Why haven’t we tried that!? *&^*%$&*)(*_)(*_)(*CLAQ

0:32:03 Fuck Potter and his elitist bullshit; when the proletariot rises up I hope his jowls are roasted over a nice fire and he’s sodomized with his throne.

0:34:15 Help Wanted: Female.  What the fuck job is that for?

0:36:04 Fuckin his brother got married and didn’t fuckin tell anyone? Just shows up on the train platform with her in tow? *(&^&^$^%#$&^%%*(&)_(*_)(*_)(*_)(*BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!

0:37:00 Ruth Dakin (rhymes with bacon) Bailey’s dad owns a glass factory.  That could be a quiz question– also, Billy sings Wild Irish Rose when he drunkenly strolls away.

0:41:53 Dude, SHE WANTS TO FUCK YOU.  AND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT MEADOWS AND MOUNT BEDFORD.  !!!!!!!!!!1111!!!11!1111!!!!one!!!!  WEINER!

This movie has a startling lack of raccoons for a town in a temperate zone.

0:43:39 This chick is also looking to get laid.  Man, maybe sex was invented sooner than I had previously suspected.  That may be the oldest 22 year old I’ve ever seen.  “He’s making violent love to me, mother.”  Classic.  That may be the only line in the movie that holds up well over time.  “Sam Wainwright is calling from New York”  Whatever, he’s probably just calling to say he killed a hooker in some underground strip club.  “He doesn’t want to speak to George, you idiot.”  Dayum, that’s stone cold Mama Hatch.

CALL THE POLICE MAMA HATCH HE’S ASSAULTING YOUR DAUGHTER.

That was fucking REDiculous: “I DON’T EVER WANT TO GET MARRIED YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!*&^%^&%$&^%$” Next scene: the wedding.  Violet attended the wedding, too.  Maybe she was hoping to suck dude off before he hit the stage.  Or she was doing the pastor.

0:51:33 “If you guys see a stranbger around here, it’s me.”  You asshole– way to ruin their wedding day.  I mean, aside from the Stock Market Crash of 1929.

0:53:15 Crows in the office are generally frowned upon in this day and age.  AND WE CALL OURSELVES ENLIGHTENED.  A murder or crows typically brightens up a place.  Hats were prevalent.

0:57:55 MONEY!!

An aside

Mumblety peg, also known as mumblepeg and mumble-the-peg, is an old game generally played between two people with the aid of a pocket knife. In one version of the game, two opponents stand opposite one another with their feet shoulder-width apart. The first player then takes the knife and throws it to “stick” in the ground as near his own foot as possible. The second player then repeats the process. Whichever player “sticks” the knife closest to his own foot wins the game.

If a player “sticks” the knife in his own foot, he wins the game by default, although few players find this option appealing because of the possibility of bodily harm. The game combines not only precision in the knife-throwing, but also a good deal of bravado and proper assessment of one’s own skills.

1:04:05 ME! GIUSEPPE MARTINI I OWN MY OWN HOUSE! No more do I play the knife game in that shack in Pottersfield!

1:06:26 That rent collector is probably the smoovest operator in this movie.  Hunts rabbits: check.  Stands up to authority: check.  Knows which side his bread is buttered on: check.

Next whazzmaster.com xmas party we’re playing mumblety peg.

Check out this dude— the first 30 seconds suck and then it gets good.  This one is for the guys out there.

1:15:42 It is goddamned perverse that Potter was in charge of sending young men off to die in the war.  Old white men sending young men off to die: tale as old as time.

1:19:07 “I want to spend christmas with my family in Elmira.”  Fucking.

1:24:17 Ahhh, the real George Bailey revealed.  Nice.  DUDE FUCKING UNCLE BILLY HAS A PET SQUIREEL JESUS CHRIST HE PROBABLY HAS ALL THE MISSING RACCOONS TOO!

1:26:04 What are the fuckin kids names: oldest to youngest.  Look at the bottom of the page and turn your monitor upside down to get the answer.  Peter, Janey, Tommy, Zuzu.  Zuzu P00PED the bed &*^*&%&^%$^$%FAPFAPFAP

1:35:44 Martini is the brains.  Nick is the muscle.  PA-ZOW!  Wait, George Bailey balled out the teacher!?  Fazoozle?  WATCH OUT FOR THAT TRE– NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Motherfucker I don’t care if your fuckin grandfather planted the whole city– NO ONE TALKS TO GEORGE BAILEY THAT WAY!!!!

1:45:55 If I ever meet my guardian angel I’m definitely taking him down to the local tavern for a scotch and a fish fry.  Or maybe mulled wine or a flaming rum punch  …

… flaming rum pu–…

Is Clarence gay?

1:49:35 How old is Clarence? It’s actually a trick question– from the movie “293 uh next May”. Which means he’s 29TWO right now.

1:52:12 Zuzu’s petals are not there you old coot.

1:53:07 Once and for all I gotta say: Pottersville looks like where all the fun is: gambling, drankin’, lovely ladies.  Look at all dem neon lights!

My favorite part of the whole movie is coming up…

1:58:56 “Every man on that transport died! HARRY WASN’T THERE TO SAVE THEM BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE TO SAVE HARRY!”  Cause and effect, holmes!

2:01:15 THAT’S IT BERT, JUST FIRE WILDLY INTO A CROWDED STREET OF PEOPLE MAYBE YOU’LL HIT THE PERP 76858&^%*&^%&^%$^%#%^$@%$#@%$#$^&*Y)(**_)*(^*^&NRA

zuzu’s goddamned petals.  there has to be a punk band named zuzu’s petals… let’s check with google: well well what a surprise.

AULD LANG SYNE.  Teacher says, every time a bell rings, Cal gets his wings.

Good night, ingrates.

160 thoughts on “Liveblog: It’s A Wonderful Life

  1. you shroom stuff will probably have the same overall flavor, but instead of the brandy slush sharp crystals, they’ll all be smooth edges, but still flaky. and they disolve / explode in your mouth with booze goodness and the center will sometimes remain slight harder and you can gently crush it with your teeth and learn the secrets of the universe as told by scotch

  2. i’m off to buy a fresh bottle… i’ve been on american whiskey last couple weeks… couldn’t help create a recipe. i do know that i would make a slushy drink, and then pass out and it would freeze and i would put that in the freezer… so if you saved any of yours, try that. i also normally use very large very rigid plastic cups with a smooth completely flat completely circular lining. it has also happened in pint and rocks sized round glasses as well. i think letting it sit out and let everything settle and get to a uniform temperature is key. i think i would always swirl it around a little bit before i put it in the freezer… with the big cups i think i would usually stir it up too… maybe the catalyst is the swirling motion.

  3. (!*#&%)*!&#%)( forgot to buy scotch#^!#

    hebrew nationals were on sale and i got too excited)(!#&*^)(!#&^

    oh well, still have whiskey with an E. but not E.

  4. If you go with whiskey, try George Dickle. I hear interesting things. This is from a Merle Haggard interview from the Onion:

    Well, whiskey, I really believed in what I was selling. I really… I think George Dickel is absolutely the best Tennessee mash whiskey. It’s my understanding that Jack Daniel’s was an attempt to try to take the recipe of George Dickel to a commercial state of reproducing it. Whereas they couldn’t do that with George Dickel, because in order to make it the way they make it, they would have had to repeat too many different formulas. It would have been impossible. They did certain things at certain temperatures in a certain kind of water. So I went down there and looked at their distilleries and saw what they were doing, saw the difference between that and Jack Daniel’s, and I couldn’t believe it. You take George Dickel and you pour it over ice and hold it up to the light, and it won’t separate. But if you take Jack Daniel’s and do that, hold it up to the light, you’ll notice that the corn oil starts separating from the whiskey, because it hasn’t been married at the correct temperature. When you go down and have this education thrown upon you, and then you drink it—everybody got drunk when we was taking pictures. It was about 20 girls and about 20 guys, and we’re all down in this creek drunk with two fists of George Dickel apiece, and we all stayed over and had breakfast together, and not a one of us had a hangover.

  5. they end up being the size of the biggest BBs you could get, and cover the entire surface. you can break them off with your fingers and they remain whole, but you can crush them with little effort. i would love to help master a process that would be long sheets of scotch where we harvest and then serve in a bowl like dippin’ dots. it sort of like that. you’d have to theme the whole bar around it. still: i vote success

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