The Door’s Almost Shut

We’re approaching zero hour on 2009 and I couldn’t shrug my shoulders harder if I goddamn tried.  Work is busy and I’m attempting to purchase trinkets for everyone I know by next week.  Me and spacebee and belly and wwhazz ate at Pedros-Pedros-may-keen-mayx-ee-can the other night after a night of shopping.  It was a grand ol’ time, especially that deep-fried Snickers bar for dessert.

Not much goings-on elsewhere so I’d like to frankly discuss the 1964 classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  Thusly: it’s not entirely clear to me just what drugs the creators were using, but I salute them and their efforts.  In a story ostensibly about the titular reindeer the spotlight instead falls upon (a) an elf desperately seeking a career in dentistry and (b) a north woodsman with a revolver hanging from his belt that clearly has mental problems.  It seems to me that the writers wanted to craft a different story entirely but were forced by the General Electric corporation to adapt their lunacy into a framework descended primarily from a one minute Christmas tune.  I don’t know whether the coercion took the form of ducats or whippings– the result is the same.  Also: everyone really hated that fucking Rudolph.  They just shit on him and shit on him until he saved the goddamn day.  He should have pooped in Santa’s mouth.

For those not on the spacebook, my concise review of How the Grinch Stole Christmas:

Zachery Moneypenny feels that the grinch was right to hate those whos- did you see the lunatic instruments they endlessly played?! How bout this: I’ll buy your downstairs neighbor a musical abomination consisting of a bowling ball, a huge metal pipe, and CHIMES and we’ll see if a steampunk xray machine detects any heart shrinkage on YOU.

I have nothing else to say about that shit.  Let’s all get together some Thursday night and watch star trek dvds.  I have one season on dvd (five, I think?) and can provide whiskey.

Everyone else out there: HAVE A GODDAMNED MERRY XMAS!

53 thoughts on “The Door’s Almost Shut

  1. i am on champagne…celebrating freedom; fuck the noise and the piper was rented by the pickle…who knew?

  2. yep, i just said farve suck is..goddam flying apostrophe…i will swat you with the little nip of a baby sheep until you succumb through a straw…holy shit…i am soberless.done.ever.waiting.for.tortilla.n.stuff.

  3. my husband is a freakin’ lunatic. in other news, i must concur with maddd: la vic sauce on eggs is deeee-liiiii-cious! thanks for the gift, zach! we’ve pretty much killed the bottle already…

  4. gotta take the drunk chick upstairs to bed…sorry momma, i never meant to hurt you…but i got a rack full of lamb with a shank boner. stop.while.i.drink.more.

  5. ok, seriously, the rest of the bacon was tilted against the modest culture of an angelic yeast; whereunto, we went whistling near the forbidden such that the cunning weren’t so linguistic…i guess a fool woundn’t speak flavor unless flav was with a white chick…hollar.

  6. last i saw of manders she was face down in her living room and fudd was talking all “unforgivable.”

    chance she is still alive: not 100%.

    it’s that french wine… fuckin fools up. back to abstractin’

  7. thank you 5am knife show.

    with your 2 foot long chrome axe / pipe “peace on earth” offering for $28.

    thank you as deep as i can. and to host implying everyone tried it out and was high on drugs on the air… “filled with the spirit”… again…. quality television.

    does anyone ever buy any of the knives? i like the 50 piece folders packages for $20… for someone that needs 50 pocket folders… some with 2 blades, some with 3… others with 1. different colors allow you to accessorize to the changing seasons with your choice of carry of pocket folder knives.

    “it’s a perfect collectible, and it is… a working…………. piiiiiiiiii-ipe. … … … ”

    “TOM HAS ONE!”

  8. 1. I don’t like freedom. I take my STLTNGlingaling at whatever time and sequence WGN bestows upon me (except the one episode, #3 Data finger bangs Yar, I have on VHissle).
    2. I also have Wrestlemania something on VHS—Test vs Eddie for the European championship. MY GAWD!!!!
    3. Updates on the manders, fudd situation, please. Does Manders really like Star Trek or was she teasing us? I mostly only like next generation.
    4. I tend to drop pipes. Bye, bye tootsies. I need the government to ban tomahawk pipes ASAP.
    5. I would also like cal to share his favorite Aesop fable. My guess is “the Ass and his Purchaser.”
    6. Netflix describes Croupier as Understated, Dark, Cerebral. I added it to the Q
    7. Not a big fan of Q episodes.
    8. Work to do: BANG BANG

  9. I happen to know that manders does indeed like star trek (TNG, I believe,) much to fuddruckus’ chagrin.

  10. She has also read McTeague, I think she found it after I lovingly gave one to fudd to prove our friendship and he tossed it in a corner. Furthermore, she owns but has not finished Octopus because the first 100 pages are a goddamned slog. I’ll let manders correct any misinformation or expand as she wishes.

  11. I spent an inordinate amount of time reading random ST:TNG character profiles on wikipedia last night. No mention of finger-banging. Also: spacebee is mad she’s out of spoon contention.

  12. i thought wikipedia said it was the #2 episode… why do you think it’s #3? does it say on the tape label? i can’t remember seeing it… but i do remember someone talking about data’s junk in a “i want to sit on it if it exists” sort of way, and he was all “i am like a male in every way… my testicles perform hydrological maintenance on my neural net” and boooooom chick-a all that. chik-fil-et is so god damned good. and data delivered the hook….

  13. This has been an amazing thread. And it’s incredible to know I’m not the only one who takes comfort in watching TNG reruns

  14. you better buy them first. Larry, Surge, you are FINISHED in this town. Pack. Your. Things. I wonder if data is programed to have gas? I was going to type gay sex but my finger slipped. Rather fortitutious finger slip I think. So do you fart, data? Are you programmed to pleasure a man, data?



  15. besides figure out that crazy ol’ feelin’ called love… (and maybe fart) what CANT Data do? He can ru super fast right? And punch super hard right? Or not? I think yes: he has super human strength. Why make a weak dude after all… Why make him pale green though? All pasty??? There must be a reason. Why data why! You spock rip-off why are you GREEN!

  16. what the christ are the survival football rules going to be if people are alive after week 17? my pick this week would depend on it if we’re going to keep the “you can’t pick the same team more than once” rule going into the playoffs.

    i’m ok with that…. if you don’t have a team left to pick: strike. or i’m ok with brackets or different rules like you get all teams back but can only pick 1 winner per conference throughout playoffs or something.

    OR, just ship the spoon to me, and feel less shame than you surely will when i CRUSH you.

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