Thank You Jay

This is really good. You should watch it. Happy New Year. Also, I’m a-cookin’ a-somethin’ up. I’m just waiting on some tech support issues to be resolved.

37 thoughts on “Thank You Jay

  1. Funny entry from the Deadspin.com mailbag:

    Liz:

    My husband and I are expecting our first child, which we found out last week is a boy. Now that we know the gender, our attention has focused on picking a name. My husband is a huge, die-hard Milwaukee Brewers fan. I screwed myself royally by casually mentioning one day that Brewer would be a decent boy’s name possibility and now he has locked in on it to the exclusion of all else.

    He has paired it with Wynn for the middle name to create Brewer Wynn (Win!) LastName, edited down from his original choice of course – Brewer Wynn Molitor Yount 1982 LastName. I have mixed feelings…I think this is heading down a dangerous Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee) type road that will induce eye rolling from all. Also, the first thing he did with our first sonogram picture, is the attached. (above)

    Even if you weren’t naming him after a sports team, Brewer is a fucking stupid name. According to the Baby Name Wizard, it belongs squarely in the category of trendy, workman-style names that so many stupid white people are giving their children these days: Porter, Cooper, Ranger, Banker, Magic-User, Taxidermist, and so on. And why Brewer Wynn? The Brewers don’t win. If anything, the child should be named Brewer Sheetdebed Jones, or something like that.

    If your hubby likes the Brewers so much, and you don’t want the kid to grow up getting pinned down in the schoolyard and drooled on, you should name the kid Paul. Or name him Prince and feed him nothing but scrapple and corn dog batter. Don’t name him Brewer. He’ll end up playing lacrosse and fisting passed out sorority girls. Just last week, I found out a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend named their son Hedges. Fucvking Hedges. And the kid doesn’t even have a brother named Benson. It’s an epidemic of dipshit white person baby names. Kwinsee Pittsnogle weeps for the future.

    Is the “Liz” who wrote in actually Bellgirl?

  2. No– Liz is not bellgirl because bellgirl actually thinks Brewer is a good name and am happy I read this suggestion before we decided to have our first child. Not sure I like the middle name though- I might go with Brewer John or Brewer Michael or Brewer Lester or Brewer James or Brewer Ralph or Brewer JJ or Brewer Parker or maybe Brewer Bernie. I hope wwhazz likes it, cause now I am locked in on it. Thanks for posting stiffly.

  3. The billboards for Irish whisky in this town are getting to me. First Jameson comes up with: “Jameson is good with ice. Word is you have a lot of that around here.” They also have one that is something about the color green going well with white and red to tap into our lover of Fuckingham H. Badger. Now Tullemore Dew is in on the fun with their “Born in Ireland, raised in Madison” campaign. Stop trying to be my friend, you stupid booze.

    In contrast, High Life is an example of a well-marketed product. At 9:44 pm last night, I texted the question: “Does the camo can increase or decrease High Life”. Here are the results.

    Scientist: Way increase
    Springer: R u ice fishing?
    Timmer: Increase for sure
    Ross: Decrease. Avoid the camo can
    Brian: Be a real dude. Increase. If you can find it.
    Scientist: Just crused a plain one… pissed they switchedback
    Steven: Increase
    Zach: Increase
    Scubby: Increase north of Wausau… decrease south of
    Whitehouse: Not sure what you are talking about but if youre saying that High Life Comes in a camo can then DECRESE because you cant see it.
    Cal: Decrease. Sorry.
    Cal: Decrease. Sorry.
    Cal: My first instinct says DECRESE, but INCRESE. E. Says the opposite, but… she wrong.
    Cal: Her first instinct was increase… But decrease… As I say… She’s wrong.
    Lawman: Increase

    Notes:

    According to my text log, Scientist, Springer, and Timmer all texted back in less than sixty seconds.

    Lawman took the longest, a full 13 hours to ponder the question.

    Cal was the most conflicted but in the end solved the riddle.

    I almost included Alandovos in my mass text but cut him at the last second because I was afraid it would weird him out. Warning: he will be included in my second batch. I need to gather more data.

    I like Scubby’s answer but my line in more like a storm blob that covers the Midwest and parts of the South.

  4. the 12oz cans aren’t nearly as special as the camo tallboys.

    and fuck your storm cloud…. the west coast represents. every young friends party house i’ve been to in the last 2 years in the fall has been littered with camo high life cans. they are awesome.

    if you said decrease: how about you sit around and drink your piss you ungrateful fuck. have you ever designed a beverage can? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIGH LIFE?!!#%(*^!#%^*(!^()&!^#()&!#%*(_

  5. i’m all over the place to avoid the situation all you idiots got yourselves in. don’t pick the bank that will rape you the least… pick the bank that will give you the most. play the banks against each other. when a new one pops up offering 1% higher rates, don’t move all your money there… just move NEW money there, and start slowly trickling from all old accounts equally. if they change the rates, cut the funding. give the banks the chance to turn the tide… don’t make it nuclear war and move everything… just nudge them until they give.

    all this bullshit talking about, switch to us! WE HAVE FREE CHECKING! wow… you’re not going to charge me to trust you will all of my money. right. thanks???! NO! FUCK YOU’RE FREE CHECKING. ARE YOU SUGGESTING FOR ONE MINUTE THAT I EVER CONSIDERED PAYING YOU A FEE TO TAKE ALL OF MY MONEY FROM ME?

    these new fucking dominos pizza commercials… they take it a step farther… oh banking with your, “hey this product could be worse, but it isn’t!”, dominos just busted out the “hey are products are complete shit and we were somehow so dumb that we never noticed… but do you know how dumb we are now? dumb enough to tell you that we believe it. and you know what us people who are that dumb are going to do? design a new pizza. dominos. same idiots who invented a pizza they acknowledge is crap are going to give us a different pizza. WITH CHEESE!!”

    they say “cheese” in a way that makes me think their old recipe did not call for any.

    stop supporting corporations that want to train you that least of the evils is ever a positive.
    cal, what is your little brain going to do when you realize that kiva is the morgan stanley of the 3rd world?

  6. but then you have the banks raping the merchants instead… the same merchants they and others like them loaned money to…. so no one wants them to go bust… the those customers are in house they also borrowed money for, so no one wants them to go bust… the real problem is change. as long as things keep changing, i’ll keep making the best decision, and if you don’t want to adapt, just change your name to pigskin gangsta and kiss your grits goodbye in week 2.

    i am HOV.

  7. also cal: get an amex card and a discover card and a novus card and diners club international and all that shit. visa and mastercard charge the least to merchants but still rape them. discover and amex super rape them, but give over half of the extra raping back to the consumer… it’s like you’re in a gang with the discover people and shaking down the man.

    also, don’t loan money to goat herders. think about it: a goat herder dies……. FREE GOATS!

  8. cals brain is so small because it’s missing the part that doesn’t want to rub on greg

    ZINNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

  9. right now we first go through wells fargo for access to free local cash checking. they are everywhere… but we move around so much i’m always going to a new branch… and all the branch managers and security guys all see me come in and their cooters go firm… i’m pulled into a side office seriously 25%+ of the time. i’m not sure if it’s because their facial recognition didn’t match me, or they think i’m a threat, or they know i ball harder than i ball… not really sure. but i hate it.

    this last time i’m in line… there are like 6 people ahead of me. a tv has the food network on… steaks cooking with mushroom sauce. i watch. 5 minutes later there are 6 people behind me too. everyone is mexican in casual wear. i’ve got lounge pants and a winter hat on. i believe that is called the charlie. i’m charlie in a bank oreoed between a dozen mexicans all much shorter than me. so an asian woman teller (at wells fargo! NO! YES!!!!!) approaches the line from behind me.

    “sir”

    my first instinct is she is talking to me, but she has stopped behind me, that doesn’t make sense… no one says anything so i turn around,

    “sir, could you step out of the line”

    so she hands me off to a guy that looks like new york phil on sopranos. i regretted wearing the charlie uniform. i hand him my prefilled deposit slip, checks, id, and check card. he sits at his office, click click click, hands me a receipt, doesn’t say a word. and as i’m leaving the same 6 people are ahead of me in line.

    was this some form of racism? we’re they trying to make me feel like i was being taken care of and perhaps should keep my money with them longer instead of always asking them to give it to someone else? it made me feel like a jerk to the other people in line. we’re the other people in line scared of the big white man in line staring at the steak?

    either way, wells fargo: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. always fucking with me. FUCK YOU WELLS FARGO.

  10. one thing though… Wells fargo. They swindled me out of all my money til I got smart(er) and got the hell out of there. $8 bucks a month for “bill pay” and a “loyalty fee” if I used some other asshole banks ATM? So I get charged a fee by the other asshole band and then MY BANK charges me AGAIN because I was disloyal. Insted of “wells fargo” they should be called CRAZY INSANE FEE BANK. New motto: “we will get your money”

  11. all you have to do is call up and be a total asshole and they will give you your money back. you have to really be an asshole and talk about all the money you have in other banks and how you’ll never use wells fargo again, and you’ll tell everyone on whazzmaster how wells fargo tried to cheat you, and how you are going to write a letter to corporate and recommend firing whoever you are talking to do the insanely bad customer service, and how you felt threatened like you were being personally robbed… i’ve done it many many times. always works.

    rach-o signed up for some savings account that they started charging us $12 a month to get a .05% rate…. the teller talked rachel into it. i shut all that shit down. loyalty fee? $2.50 right? i got that shit permanently waived. i told them my etrade checking account not only offers free use of any competitors ATM, but etrade refunds the competitors ATM fee as well. i was all “etrade is the shit… i think i’m just going to switch to them for everything” and suddenly their system is able to turn off the fees for me. does that make you feel warm cal? there are 2 groups. the raped and the not raped…. you have allowed yourself to be raped too long. buy a shotgun.

  12. Maybe I need to threaten to take all my money to UW Credit Union (I was going to do it anyways).

    Anyhooo– what is everyone doing for new year’s? We’re about to hop a cab to lawman’s for his annual shindig. Unfortunately, since spacebee works at 7am tomorrow we won’t be able to stay around and trash the place. If Taco John’s was still open (CURSES~!) they’d be getting our business around 1am. Instead: Greenbush Bakery.

  13. i went to scotts in walnut creek. lots of fancy pants people. live piano and sax. then home for moet and love making. fuck the two thousands. enter the twankies. twanky ten if ur nasty.

  14. The. Plot. Thickens! Chickens! Charles Dickens!

    For humor’s sake i will forthwith transpose wwhazz Survival Football Judgment Message for all yals’:

    I ran a regression analysis and the probability goes down geometrically for each player left at week 17. Timmers vote and the yahoos at yahoo both awarded the trophy to cal. Also, cal called it. That’s a lot of evidence and evidence is how a true lawman wins a case.

    I’m not only the commish, but I’m also a player and in trew scott f./Vince-style I want the spoon by any means possible and this tie loop hole seems like my only option.

    MADDitionally, the sponsor, zach, says he aint paying the prize to no triple tie girl dik knot.

    I really wish that one of you players, even the girly player, could have simply won this stupid game. Now we have a bush/gore election type of mess on our hands. We need a wise judge to settle this.

    I am happy to be that judge. Here is my word:

    Each of you pee holes (madd, girl player, cal) picks ONE team. If your team wins the super bowl, you win. If you all lose, you all lose and the skin carries over. If you tie, you all lose and the skin carries over. I don’t think zach will pay the beer or spoon, so I will take over the sponsorship duties for this season and give you an interim spoon and the beer must be camo high life. I’m not paying to ship it though, so you can have it at zach’s wedding. (or zach can give it to rash guard next time he’s in IL). Zach’s spoon and beer will carry over to next year.

    Got it? If not, hire a lawman. Cal might be of help. He got a c- in contracts first semester.

    PG who is your team?
    Cal?
    Madddddddddddddddddddd?

    Now I have to go. Call me old fashioned, but I drank last night and I need more sleep. I’m tempted to let pig skin gangster back and pea pods back in the hunt for the spoon, so please take this offer before it gets weirder.

    PICK A TEAM. ANY TEAM. YOUR TEAM NEEDS TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL. PICK A TEAM ANY TEAM. YOUR TEAM NEEDS TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL. PICK A TEAM. ANY TEAM. YOUR TEAM NEEDS TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL.

    (i picked the vikes! we love you brett!)

    love,

    cal

  15. hey, one more thing, calling all you computer dicwads, here is the thing: i downloaded Google Chrome and was impressed with it’s speedy delivery, but i won’t let me sign into my school’s stupid website- says the “user name” is incorrect and that’s bullshit. it works on firefox- dick, is what i say to Google Crome.

    I am confused, did you, being a computer dicwad, download Google Chrome? do you, being a computer dickwad, approve of Google Chrome? that is all.

    C.A.L.

  16. I’m pretty sure the other fucker is long gone. I’m pretty sure that everything about the league turned him off to us all forever.

    With that said, don’t let the muppet hit you in the kunt on the way out, PG.

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