Before word spreads via text messages and homing pigeons I thought I’d let y’all know that the house we were gonna buy? The one I gushed about in the post just below this one? The great big house in a nice location? Not buying it. *waves hand* Portal to hell in the basement and all that rigamarole- it’s much too boring to speak of at length (and anyways, a gentlemen doesn’t get into such things as framing deflection “estimated to exceed the L/360 that is the industry standard.”) Long story short is that we would have had the luxury of wondering whether we would first burn to death, be killed in a collapse, or burst into flames during the home’s collapse.
We’re in the market for a house that abides by the following criteria:
- Spacious, 4 bedroom or 3 bedroom+office
- Finished basement or a good basement space to finish off
- Close (relatively) to UW-Hosptial
- Wiring that won’t start the house on fire
- If existing additions exist, they were not built by two drunk fucking idiots on a summer weekend
- A nice kitchen or an older kitchen with enough room to bring it up to date
I’m fairly certain that this fantasy house does not exist. As in, there is no house that meets our space/configuration requirements that is also close to anything we want to be close to. Lots of time to search, yes yes. We’ll soldier on, but I’m starting to really want to dropkick the Madison housing market to the fucking moon. Fuck these dumbfuck yuppies that built terrible, horrible, badly-designed-and-constructed additions on nice classic homes. So many fuckface yahoos have lived in these areas over the years and imposed their stupid-as-fuck visions on them that it’s impossible to see a simple house anymore. All of the terrible fucking additions fall into three catgeories:
- Nicely designed, well-constructed additions that enhance the existing space (One house)
- Nicely designed, incredibly poorly constructed pieces of garbage that will fall apart at any minute or qualify for a guest spot on Holmes Inspection. (Vast majority of house we have seen)
- Poorly designed, poorly constructed nightmares that only a fool would pay money to own. (The rest of the houses we’ve seen)
Say lah vee motherruckers.