VEGAS! 2012

Yes, I’m the star of the hit show: Vegas! This one’s a reboot after four years in development hell. Seal Team Seven dropped into McCarran Airport at 9:30am on Friday and we were checked-in at TheHOTEL by 10:30am.

A little lunch (tequila) and we were off and running at the tables. I won $75 playing craps, and then wandered over where the rest of our group was playing roulette. Played my usual style (heavy on 20, lighter on 12, spread the table to hedge) and in four spins I went [12, 12, blank, 20]. After the back-to-back twelves I was heavyheavyheavy on the 20 when it hit- I think I won $500 or $600 on just the 20. I kept hitting numbers so on an off chance I just threw a hundo on 20 to see if vegas had decided it was my time to fucking SHINE. Nope, not that lucky.

We went and threw down a G-ball on steaks and scotch. I had some roasted marrow bones that grossed out most of the table (though Spacebee did eat some!) and then we headed back to the tables. Went up another $350 at craps and then met everyone for live band karaoke at the House of Blues. Sat and drank beer, vodka, and more during that little run and then they closed the show down around 2:30am (right before I was up on the list to sing Jump Around!)

I’d been drinking since lunchtime (the full list: beer, scotch, vodka, tequila, red wine, and two hundred 7&7’s) so I swayed over to the roulette table again and played some more numbers. I hit the 12 and 20 again and was up about $400 when I decided to take my winnings and quit while I was ahead. I colored up my chips, tipped the dealer, and what I had was a bunch of blacks and one $25 greenie. I threw the greenie on 20 and it hit on the next spin. Boom: $900 holmes. I was so drunk that I didn’t even get excited. I just swayed there and grinned for about 5 minutes, then went to pee.

Two of the folks we were with went to bed 45 seconds before the big score, and then the other four of us were trying to decide what to do. The other couple asked if we wanted to go to bed since we’d been up since 3am, Vegas-time, and I yelled “I’m rich biatch! We’re partyin’!” We went to the Minus 5 Ice Bar in the Mandalay and I bought fur coats for the ladies so they could sit on an ice bench and drink Snowflakes. Spacebee was very wobbly in the ice bar, and everyone thought I was the Incredible Hulk the way I was still functioning like a hue-man given the amount I’d drank. We retired at about 4:30am.

So on Friday I bought into chips for $200 after lunch and when I went to bed I had $2400 in chips in my pocket.

Cue ominous, distant thunder.

I spent some fo the winnings to rent a cabana by the pool on Saturday. They were pretty booked up but they reserved us one and said we had to get downstairs before 10:30a or they’d charge my held card number and give away the reservation. I awoke to a bad (but not too bad, considering) hangover, pulled clothes on, and stumbled down towards the pool at 10am while everyone else slept in or ate breakfast. In the elevator I cursed at the thumping disco music to the amusement of the other occupants. Halfway across the vast Mandalay casino floor I had to stop and give myself a pep talk that I’d make it to the pool. I approached the cabana host counter and asked the nice lady working there if she’d kill me. She looked concerned and said, “…no.” They took me over to the cabana and the host asked if he could get me anything. I asked politely for coffee, and then I curled up in a ball and slept in the corner of the cabana until everyone else showed up (some not until 2pm).

Later in the evening we had dinner and then headed down to Fremont Street. Holy fucking hell that place has gone to shit. By which I mean: it used to be a respite from the dumb bullshit on the strip, but every casino I walked into had $10 or $15 minimum tables and were packed to the gills. The booming music, the collective wal*mart patrons of america clientele, the dancing grannies. I could put up with all that for $3 craps, but no fucking way am I gonna endure that for the same table minimums I would find on the strip.

I lost every bet I made on Saturday.

I lost nearly every bet I made on Sunday.

We went and saw the Love show at The Mirage on Sunday night. Afterwards we wandered into O’Sheas and whooped it up with some $5 craps. Then we walked all the way back to the Monte Carlo and jumped a cab from there back to the hotel due to whining and yelling by the ladyfolk.

This morning I checked my funds and saw that the three dinners, cabana rental, minus 5 ice spectacular, and most of all 48 hours of consecutive losses had brought me back from my winner’s high on Friday. Ah well, we did have a fantastic time and the big score on Friday more than makes up for the dreary gambling on Saturday and Sunday.

Pancakes!

[UPDATE] whazzmaster.com is now officially blocked on the Intuit intranet.  Probably because of the name of the post, but maybe not.

whazzmaster.com: banned in one company

180 thoughts on “VEGAS! 2012

  1. oasis creeps into my shower a lot. so does Q-tip with the beastie boys… anything on paul’s boutique. by then i’m clean.

    #ORELSEIWOULDSINGMORE*)(^&!#%)&(*!%#)&(!

  2. those spinning speakers are tite as hell too… i’ve seen a few of them pop up on auction hunter shows… refurbed they pull over $1500 and sound crazy good.

    analog is always better than digital.

    china owns us.

    #fuckchina

  3. a couple days ago i found myself not singing in the shower… i was fixated on the actions of capt. sully sullenberger…. why hasn’t someone sullied him just for the puns sake??????? then, tonight on letterman, tracy morgan takes care of it.

    #sullied

  4. i don’t understand this mega millions bullshit… last drawing was like $350M… now it’s at $540M… the odds are 175M to 1, and a pick costs $1…

    why didn’t someone with $175M buy every possible number and take the $350M?????

    CAN I SUE?!#@%$*&(!%)&*

  5. Took 6th of 40 in the bowling alley poker tournament. Top 5 paid.

    For punishment I slammed 2 beers and walked home 3.5 miles in 34 degree weather.

    No coat, just the orange hat.

  6. the ultimate fighter is rigged as shit.

    after 2 rounds the red fighter dominated and ended each round dropping bombs from the top of other guys guard. i was 98% sure they would call it after 2 rounds… dana came out and said there will be a round 3… whatever, rigged. but then d00d won round 3 too, and they gave the fight to the other guy.

    #JOWRIGGEDJOKE

  7. Three way chop on the mega… after the tax man (fucking cal) takes his cut, you are out skrill.

    How is daddy day care?

  8. i’m making a batch of cream… experimenting with strawberry extract mixed with banana extract mixed with my belly

  9. i say start the civil wars now… if we wait a few more years, the only thing that will change is a the cals might finally realize they need guns, and buy them.

    #strikefirststrikehard

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