Enter the Wayback Machine

Through pure chance today I started to browse whazzmaster.com’s archives on the wayback machine.  Using the handy Archives dropdown to the right you may peruse all of the posts back to August 2002 but true old-timers will know that Whazzmaster’s history has even deeper roots.  It goes all the way back to a Perl CGI script on the UW Computer Science servers that used a flat text file as a database.  The super old-timey whazzmaster posts don’t date even that far back unless you switch over the previous URL: http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~zachery.

There are some incredible finds in the former link; when the wayback machine crawled whazzmaster it actually captured quite a few of the now-lost haikus and polls that were up on the site.

For example:

Whazzgiving Fight Poll
The incredibly fascinating whazzgiving fight poll

Look at that thing! Obviously wwhazz vs. cal was the order of the day, but we also saw a little zachery vs. Rock Chalk and even with all the plausible options no one could have foreseen Scientist vs. Cal in a pants-less dick fight.

To the right is another; I honestly don’t know how to decide between options (3) and (4).

Whazzgiving Aftermath Poll
Which option do you go with?I honestly don’t know how to choose between options (3) and (4).

So now I have a new semi-hobby: extracting lost footage (namely haikus and polls) from the wayback machine for archival.  Everyone knows that August 2012 was the Ten Year Anniversary of whazzmaster.com in more-or-less its current state, but I have a secret desire I’ve harbored: to create a hardbound book that memorializes the wackiness of whazzmaster over its lifetime.  “Best Of” stories intermixed with classic comment dick fights and humorous images.  It would be the perfect thing for any coffee table if only I could get off my lazy ass and actually assemble this thing.

I have to prepare all you whazzmaster.com homeboys: I’ll be leaving for India on Thursday and so may or may not be posting while wandering around Bangalore.  I do, however, have about 20 hours of combined flight time to get there so maybe it will cause me to post more than ever.  Not sure but keep this place clean in the meantime!

39 thoughts on “Enter the Wayback Machine

  1. Poker is a truly great game of skill and cunning. One must be ruthless in their technique in order to walk away a winner (and retain one’s sanity).


  2. i forgot about the pants off dance off. i do remember remembering that it happened, but i don’t really remember it.

    did i win? i bet i won.

    cal, when are you getting back to the twin shitties? we can’t wait another winter, or for my tendons to fall off. there is a regulation mound a block from my house. fly out here.

  3. 1. lost my shirt in vegas. craps. too scruured for poker. would have been worse but i won some back on the last day. oh and if the vikes win the superbowl i win big #eightytoone

    2. I also remember remembering the no pants dance. you won.

    3. st.paul. february. MEDALLION HUNT. #underthepines

  4. shit. i forgot about the medallion hunt… wasn’t i supposed to be working on robots? i’m sorry; i haven’t.

    is the medallion metal? does anyone use metal detectors?


  5. lots of other bad bad bad police stories lately, but i’m toning down the fuck the police rhetoric per cal’s wrinkly vag’s suggestion.

    lots and lots of wandering through yards aimlessly killing random dogs and sucker punching innocent women in the face in reaction to someone else throwing water at them.


    fuck cal’s wrinkly vag, and FUCK THE POLICE.

    first i was all, “i’m not going to say fuck the police”, then i was all, “FUCK THE POLICE”


  6. flex your muscle… start sucker punching innocent women in the face… killing beloved pets… stopping every car on the road in violation of the basic rights granted by the constitution, and VIOLA! you are killed. shotty justice, homie.

    you didn’t see that coming?


  7. i’m a dirty pig, and i’m scared of puppies WAHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    i’m trespassing on private property, not in an active pursuit, and i don’t feel like walking around a fence, so i killed your dog. i’m not sorry. fuck your dog.

  8. the border patrol are modern day nazis. stop them now. fix it, cal.


  9. not sure if FLIR would be helpful… you’d already be on top of it… but maybe you could scan the edge of a field and see a blip of something off and then go check it out… inorganic material would have a different signature. basically we’d have jordi laforge on our team.


  10. my tool of choice will be my 5′ weed pulling stick with a 2 pronged small metal fork at the end…. something like this

    good for rummaging and moving things around… walking stick… and something to deal with the haters.

    we really need FLIR. that is taking it to the next level. we’ll make the money back the first year. then free twins season tickets, and year 2 we’re turning a profit.


  11. how about manufacturing our own slugs and litter them all over parks we’ve already cleared?


  12. fools find the fake medallions, then they leave to take it somewhere safe or turn it in… all while we’re still out looking.

  13. remember like 10 years ago when people would put basically anything to the side of their head like it was a cell phone, and post a picture online? i can’t find any evidence on the internet that that ever was a thing. even on knowyourmeme.com… but that was probably before those youngins time.

    ANYWAYS, the HWK does that all day long with pretty much everything, then says “HI-YA!” it’s pretty hilarious.

  14. You buddy Fryn Brian Anderson made a good funny. He said, “Aaron Rodgers here today” and I looked up from my ice cream and it was a middle aged dude with a mustache in a 12 jersey.

    Har har

  15. hangout has simmered down to just me… i am in the middle of scientific experiments.

    i am setting up my speed gun in front of the trubbbbbbbbbbbbbscreeeennn with the volume jacked. speed guns work off detecting the doppler effect… i think the trubbbbbbroom might reproduce it significantly enough to be detectable.

    if it was accurate and matched the speed shown on the screen…. and i i made advertisements that it cost around $1000…. man…. #MILLIONS

    i’m the new vizio, BIATCHIANCHI(*^!#%(&)*!#%)*(&!T#

  16. i did 15 experiments, culminating on my 7.1 DTS system on MAX with the speed gun up to the speakers and screen, and perfectly centered, and mid off-center and way off-center…… never any reading whatsoever.

    oh well… it was such a GREAT idea with billion dollar, get cal out of that commune, potential… it couldn’t work. no way everyone else could have not tried that…. but…. it MIGHT work…. it’s like transporting shit off the holodeck… like… WAIT… why wouldn’t that work? cohesion???? you are getting lazy berman. go fuck yourself. that should work. broccoli is right. try some enhancing whatevers…. those help, i’ve heard….

  17. now i’m just setting up servers. in 10 years people will say, YOU SET THAT SERVER UP????? I FUCKING (*!#&^%)*(#%!^&LOVE(*#&%)*(&!#^)*&(#!^ THAT SERVER, BOYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICALBBQSUCKSUSUSHUHSDUFGIUY@TEIWUEYTT&*#!%^!*#%^*&!#

  18. greatest braun at bat of all time.

    up by 1, bot 7th… bases loaded 2 outs.

    1-1… guys screams before the pitch, BRAUN, YOU SUCK……… SO loud. pitch way away. so 2-1 and the guy at the last minute screams YOU SUCK ASS…. LOUDER. BOLD. 3-1…. more taunts, but blah blah it just ended. OUT. everyone stranded. i couldn’t type fast enough. #SERVERS

  19. new experiment: behind the screen and directly on the subwoofer and subwoofer intake…. nothing.

    i think the source must be dynamic and it’s hard to simulate. maybe theaters should have arrays of 2″ speakers covering every wall…….. 3D RADIO. i’ve been told the guy at BOBFM in eau cleezy’s 99.9 tried to patent that in the 80s………


  20. yup… i haven’t seen bridesmaids or pizza or pretty much anything… just seen her web videos and some standup sets and talk show appearances. she’s hilarious, and the real. i no put her in camel clutch.

  21. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! guess what? chicken butt. my sister-in-law’s water broke a couple hours ago, so get ready to share that birthday with a little scientist shorty

  22. mustachio, for the first time ever, is drinking a beer at the game.

    a 16oz MGD screw top can.

    what does he do over the winter???? sit alone at bucks games???? did he just fall off the wagon???????

    i wasn’t going to drink tonight, but i’m not going to let him drink alone, alone…


    how about a n00d post to encapsulate this adventure… live blog style.

    i am in india… the food is great and the people are friendly!! TTYL!

  24. the shorty’s head got stuck for a whole day, so they cut that fucker out. he has a name. everyone is ok.


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