I Am In India

I am in France. It is 8am here but in reality it is 1:26AM Central Time.  The Paris airport is odd; Gucci and Burberry stores everywhere I don’t think I can afford to even breath the air in here.  I don’t know how much this internet is costing me but I’ll just go ahead and assume it’s a ton.

The flight from Detroit to Paris was uneventful; I didn’t have the fancy-as-shit lie-flat seats for that leg (although I think I have one on the next flight) but the service and food was amazing.  The nice lady in the seat next to mine dumped a glass of red wine on me when they came to collect our dinner plates. Sad time.  I slept for about 2 hours.  I have to say it was odd to get on the plane at 6pm (light out!) fly across the ocean and get out at 8am (light out!) while not having 14 hours actually elapse.

It just occurred to me that you fools might be hanging out.  Nope, just checked and you’re not.

So anyways here I am in Paris.  Well, the Paris airport at any rate.  I’ll be moseying along to India in about 2 hours.

My Itinerary: 1 hour flight to Detroit, 4 hour layover in Detroit, 8 hour flight to Paris, 3 hour layover in Paris, 9 hour flight to Bangalore.  Left Madison at noon on Thursday and I will get into Bangalore at 11:45pm Friday.  I’m meeting Fuddruckus on the other side of the planet for breakfast on Sunday.  He’ll likely be late.

[UPDATE 1]  I am in India.  Had a snafu at the airport and couldn’t find the driver so I took a shady-as-hell cab to the nicest hotel I’ve ever stayed in.  My room is dope as hell, and I’m starting to unwind from The Eternal Traveling.  It’s 2:06am local time and my body has no idea at all what to do.  Not real sleepy, not entirely hungry.  I think I’ll drink a beer? Maybe?  More to come; the weekend is for jet lag recovery and figuring out how to do a speedy INR-to-USD conversion in my head.

[UPDATE 2] I am in India.  I spent the vast majority of my day drinking champagne at various sites in the city.  Met Fuddruckus for coffee in the morning and then had a bottle of prosecco at the Lotus Pavilion. Later on we met up with some other Intuit folks for brunch at the Leela Palace; holy hell was it expansive and delicious.  I fell asleep at 9:30pm but am now completely awake at 3:30am.  Today is gonna be one tiring affaire. Did the Packers win?

[UPDATE 3] I am in India. Spent the day here with the rest of the team. It culminated in drinking Budweiser at a nearby resort and having a dance contest with a coworker that drank a bottle of wine during lunch.  #iwon  Going out shopping with fuddruckus before he heads back murica but later tonight I’ll update with more and answer scientist’s questions from comments.

[UPDATE 4] I am in India. Q&A Time! I am sleeping well these days, and I woke up this morning and hit the gym for awhile.  Now I’m sitting in the pavilion drinking Kingfisher and reading the internet while I install a build from the India servers to my triage machine.  As such, I have the luxury of time and so I will answer some questions I have received:

  1. how is butt? exploding? No, my digestive track is holding up pretty well.
  2. how is not getting kidnapped? kidnapped?  No, I have not been kidnapped.
  3. how is champagne? cheaper? Way more expensive, but hard to tell because of exchange rates.
  4. how is fudddddddd? escaped back to amurika? He achieved exit velocity two nights ago and should be back in the Yay Area now.

Regarding the Flat Tire Disaster of Oh-12:

  1. was it a joyful learning experience? Joyful? No. Learning Experience? Yes.
  2. was it a slightly annoying repressed anger feigned smiles experience? It’s hard to be angry about a flat tire when you look out your car window (on your 45 minute-to-2 hour commute) and see unbridaled poverty and destruction everywhere, all the time.  Like, if you ever have a meeting scheduled with someone in Bangalore and they are 10 minutes late I implore you to not be mad or give them shit.  They were possibly detained by literally a cow being in the middle of the road.  Not a rural road either, a downtown throroughfare.  Like if Market St traffic in SF was ground to a halt because a bike hit a cow.
  3. was it an all out scream fest? did you chastise the driver? the driver’s company? the people that set you up with the company? No, no, no, and no.  We felt real bad for the guy and tipped him extra huge ($20 ~ Rs 1000 which the biggest bill available in this currency) because he had to pay for the new tire(s) himself.  The whole “hole in the tire and then the spare tire was also flat” situation happened Monday, but on Thursday when we arrived at the office we got out and the damn new tire had a giant hole in it.  The driver looked sad and then we felt sad.

[UPDATE 5] I am in India.  I’m at the hotel’s Sunday Brunch right now. Really nice (though not as wonderful as the Leela Palace brunch last weekend), but something is starting to get to me.  I realize that this paints me in an unflattering, stupid-american light but I’m starting to lose my shit with regard to eating.  I’m down to about one meal per day because I’m starting to not be able to stand Indian cuisine at every meal.  I’m usually eating a VERY large breakfast because the buffet at the hotel includes many Americanized dishes I can gorge on before I head to work with the looming lunch choice of <Insert Something> Curry and Rice or a McDonald’s Spicy Chicken sandwich.  In the eight days I’ve been here I’ve eaten dinner three times, with one being a team dinner at another swank hotel, and two being pizza from room service.  I must commend the ITC Garndenia on their pepperoni, bell pepper, and fontina pizza: it is GOOD.  The restaurant also makes a very, very good asparagus and pea risotto.

I just decided I’m going to eat nonsense for brunch today and skip dinner again. I’m already TIPSY~! on two big rum & cokes (hi spacebee!) so I figure I’ll stuff myself with biryani, sushi, veggie fried rice, and a shitload of desserts and then sleep the afternoon away.  I may call up Fudd’s homey Anup (a very liberal local Intuiter) to hit some kind of karaoke tonight, I guess we’ll see if I’m hungover by 4pm or not.

Also, hurray to Taipei Assassins for winning the League of Legends Season 2 World Championships!  I had a very fun (if early) morning drinking hotel room coffee and yelling at the internet.  That shit was seriously 1000 times more entertaining than the Super Bowl.

230 thoughts on “I Am In India

  1. I am honestly not sure if you can beat the rake in this thing.

    Most of the time I ball so goddamned small that I avoid it. I’ve also witnessed some of the most outrageous rake rapes I’ve ever seen. That’s not cool.

    Lifetime, I deposited $50 and I still have $34 in my account. Though this week I put $47 in action. My next move is to deposit $20 in to a wife account: collect $20 in bonus plus she gets $20… so $20 will get me $60.

  2. cal, lets face it…. out lot in life is to start a foot clan. you don’t know how to repair arcade equipment, or build skateboard ramps…. you need me. you can be in charge of the contract scientists. i’ll be the guy behind the guy behind our shredder…


  3. rach-o watched most of the game with me in the trubbbbbbbroom just to sweat my bought action… i watch enough the league to know the next step is her flicking beans in the driveway….


  4. Yeah, and I wonder how much these fools are down. My ranking says I am $501.33. Real life I am down $14.07.

  5. that’s what i’m saying… and technically, you owe 50% taxes on all your “winnings”… so you owe $250 on top of your $14.


  6. I built a line up around Tampa because errrone beats on the Saints.

    I had Freeman at QB (350 3td), Vincent Jackson at WR (270 2 TD) and their dumb RB (a TD and some change). This lineup also included the Patriots TE (2 TD) and Jordy.

    But 4 min before kickoff packer prides SURGED through my balls and I cxled the bunch of em for Rodgers, Jones, Jermichael, and Alex Goddmaned Green.


  7. america is broke as fuck and done with. might as well put all your money in FB facebook stock on NASDAQ.


  8. i don’t bet on jordy and corn money because of packer pride…. packer pride forced me to know that betting on jordy and corn money was right….. if i followed every team as close i would be unstoppable…. i’m busy dominating koreans in LoL… hollar in 2 weeks.

  9. so, the packers have a G+ account… whenever possible i first post those fuckers with “#JORDY”, and the asshats at packer HQ keep deleting my comments.

    yeah, assholes… all those other posts of “awesome game” “way to go rodgers and nelson” were so much more valuable. social media is a worthless tool of the worthless that makes anything associated with it worth less.

    you think you can silence me, buttpackers? dangerous move, homie.


  10. Cal, have you considered taking legal action against your boss? Maybe forming an intern union and fighting for pay? How many dudes in your office actually get paid, like what percentage? Are the paids and the not paids buddies? Are you working in a white collar sweat shop? When is the last time you did a wheelie on you fixie? When is the last time you ordered Chinese food? How much should I tip delivery drivers? Should it be a fixed percentage of the bill or a standard tip… $5 ok? How is the weather in sf this time of year? Are you wearing a scarf for fashion or utility? What about the walruses? Are they still in the harbor or did they move? Is Greg doing ok? I see the tight end on his fantasy team went down, season ender–do you think he wants Gates? I also have Tate, fosters handcuff: perhaps a package deal, TE + RB for one of his WR: Thomas or Austin? What else is new with you? Hatewise, what are you hating? I saw a movie this morning on showtime-women and some juggler in sf loved a lady; he told her “Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing”– do you agree? At one point he juggled fire– good idea or bad idea? Final question: what is your take on flax seed?

  11. juggling fire is like the easiest thing to juggle, and totally safe. you can catch the fire, no phase. the hardest AND most dangerous thing to juggle is broken bottles… also the least impressive….


  12. rach-o just spent more money on a new bed than any other single thing in our house cost. when i yelled at her, she said i should “feel lucky” because of how much she could have spent, but didn’t…. and also that it’s a “good investment”……

    i am so dumb.

    i forgot all about that lucrative used bed market)*(&!#%&)*(!#%)&*(#$^*()$@^&*(!#%&*(!#%&*(!#%*()

  13. turn off one-click man!! stop the maddness! like what I did there? my problem is not DVD it’s stabby knives. i dont’ even have one click but i can’t stopppppppppppppp GO GIANTS!!!!!! BEAT PRINCE!

  14. take action… no they are the government so they can exploit me. private industry isn’t allowed. need to pay at least min wage. that would be awesome. #notkidding. sorry i have been away from whazzmaster for awhile i am working my way up this thread.

    whoa just realize i haven’t posted about THE PEACH. what do you think my peach story will be? I will give you only one hint: emergency room. please extrapolate.

  15. omg so many other questions… wheelie? greg? i will answer but i need to sleep. early morning unpaid meeting. hey how is yahoo paying out? or did you answer that above? ok THE PEACH. what happened with THE PEACH?

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