Dubuque Downer

It was a mehhhhhh time in Dubuque in 2013. Did we have fun? Yes. Did we have some interesting new (or returning) characters? Yes. But did I win any money? No. I lost. A lot.

Thankfully wwhazz wasn’t kicked out of the casino this year, but we did witness an innovative new way to handle obnoxious poker players. After an hour or two of Scientist’s table banter, the poker room manager informed him (via an old, tiny waitress) that he could have another drink ONLY if he drank an entire bottle of water in front of them first. A couple of things here:

  • Scientist bottoms-upped the thing and chugged it while staring them down…
  • …but then proceeded to dump some in Timmer’s scotch. Timmer, being involved in a hand at the time, didn’t notice until later.
  • Also, I was way drunker than anyone at the table but because I kept quiet they just kept feeding me Crown & Cokes.

I was pretty much never ahead except for that first poker game, though I lost everything on the end when Scientist bluffed my ass off and I gave him most of my money. Things went downhill from there: bad craps, bad roulette, bad blackjack, etc.

Wwhazz did have a very interesting idea to try to get into the Al Capone suite at the Julian next year and find Joe to run some games there. So go to Dubuque, but don’t go to any casinos. “Why go to Dubuque then?” you ask. “Two reasons,” I respond, “Paul’s Tavern and Funiculars.”

I saw on Snapchat that Scientist burned old Greenie in the backyard? Why? I don’t understand all of the gobbledygook you people are talking about in the comments. Is Greenie-burning because you lost at the Fantasy Whatever? Or because Rogers sat on his balls and didn’t come back this week? I don’t get it.

Kid Disco yesterday was interesting; I liked the nachos, bloody mary’s, and watching children slowing turn into sleeping pumpkins by jumping up and down in front of a bubble machine for two hours.

239 thoughts on “Dubuque Downer

  1. it was never a REFUND though…

    the only issue is the school intentionally grading people low to avoid the payouts… or students putting a shiv to your neck so they get their beer money…

  2. as much as the “diploma mills” are to blame, i see cal’s act as “pay $150,000 to get a license to be a twin galaxies VHS tape notary”.

    fuck if you learned shit. FILTER, NOT A PRESS. i still think about our walk up the hill and if i might be wrong, but then i remember that i know everything. but now you have the power. lil’ steve weeeeeebeeeee getting under your skin? BOX HIM OUT. you have the power. “sorry steve, you VHS submission does not meet our standards. please keep trying your best to defeat the tyranniCAL KONG. yours in mario, twingalaxies”

    it’s fundamentCALly an OBVIOUS move.

    successful lawyers universally hate on the lawyer career path. VERY SMART.

  3. if only kkkkkk-car would devote his energy to the new GLOBAL official of video game high scores instead of frozen tundra secondary education sports info for a coverage area the size of a few cell phone towers.

    that guy is mad because i’m going worldwide with nasty bro pre-release cuts that he solely collected.

    the trust is gone.


  4. twin galaxies has been broken for months. nothing works. no one cares. I FUCKING CARE. revolution time. EVENT PLANNING. set up competitions at chuck e’ cheese. tie into TWITCH.TV to get the latest WAR OF GOBLIN LEGENDS high scores.

    also, make everything RUBY ON RAILS with EMBER.JS)(&!%)&(!#%)&!%&*(!#%&*((&*!%#*(&!#%(&*%*Y!#(&Y

  5. this new ad for “dump cakes” and “dump dinners” running constantly ALL DAY LONG, has me seriously laughing uncontrollably. it’s a problem. DUMP DINNERS. so nasty. THEY ARE SELLING FOOD NAMED “DUMP DINNERS”. hilariously wrong.

  6. the washington post says that minimall college degrees are worthless

    whazzman, have you thought about a master’s degree? am i really only employed because i made it through some beer gauntlet? should i just get a PhD? PhD’s seem so easy though… is there anything higher? how can i be accredited to be THE BEST IN THE INDUSTRY? and who would even be good enough to realize that it was true? they wouldn’t. they’re fucking idiots. all of them. I AM THE GREATEST SO SAYETH ME, THE ONLY PERSON CAPABLE OF KNOWING. hire me today. 10 folds gets you a phone consult.

  7. i’m waiting for “girls” to go south so i can use this WICKED “dumham” joke i wrote about a pig that isn’t smart.

    LISA!!!!!%(#*^&!#^*(&%!% LET’S BE FRIENDS!(*^%(^&*!#%^(&^*!#^%(&*!#^

  8. my n00d post resolution: maximum of 1 post per day, always made around 3pm.


  9. i am LITRALLY n00d for a n00d post.

    i think that is what the dictionary meant when they contradicted themselves. i fix things by pointing out flaws. #100%ASSHOLE

    also, my asshole is exposed to fresh air, so it’s a callback thing.


  10. supposedly the big gimmick at the superbowl this year will be a FLIR camera that will overlay changes to player’s body heat on the screen.

    dial that shit in right with some test pucks, determine maximum scan radius and speed, then just run them over THE GROUNDS. nothing is going to hold heat exactly the same as raw earth will… the puck should stand out to a scanning algorithm looking for circles.

  11. the madddddd fam went to the mall a week ago… there is a play area that the shorteez like… there were 4 other girls playing in there… like all 1-2 year olds. 3 of them were also named madddddddddd.


  12. shit… meant players’ above….

    i’m profusely sorry to language purists whose brain i excepted.

    who’s? whoms’? shite. i’m sorry. also, capitalization is for TEH GHEYS.

  13. do you madddddtown fools have a menard’s? or do you LIBERAL MEDIA queefsniffers only shop at trader pete’s whole hut??? #ZING

    either way, i’m suspicious of the quality of cashier talent at the cleezy nard stores. local playboy nardprince…. the castle is DECORATED. the grapes of racks? (of high quality next-to-free chinese tools)

    we got picked to be a nielsen family again… i swear to christ the nielsen people are the nicest and overall GREATEST people i’ve ever talked to. shocking quality. like the kind of people that deal with diplomatic guests of state. like BBC programming, but american, and better in all the ways that america is better. the 2nd lady (today) i told her we already did this once before…. and how excited i was because it was a childhood dream. she told me how rare repeat houses were, and laughed about my dreams IN A WAY THAT UNDERSTOOD THEM. nielsen is the game. get on board.

  14. can you at least make “the grapes of racks” a tagline?

    WHERE IS THE HAIKU WIDGET?!#^%&*(!#^)&(!^&)(!^#

  15. time to get racist:

    the first nielsen lady was 70s-80s caucasian. 100% with it… the confidence of a cute 20 year old. DE. fuckin millerLITEFUL. the second lady was a 53 year old caribbean raised in massachusetts. i could have talked to her all day. when she asked if i might have misunderstood her when she asked about a “DVR” that i might have thought my “DVD” player was a “DVR”, we both shared a collective moment of, “come on, who are these idiots? we’res the chosen. nielsen is the regime.”

    $30 cash in the mail. BRAND NEW BILLS. classy as hell.

  16. and check out these crybabies…

    all workers unions are a scam. cover your own ass. you need someone else taking 20% of your paycheck just so you don’t get screwed over???? THAT IN AND OF ITSELF IS GETTING SCREWED OVER.

    WAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAH…. my employer talked to other companies and agreed to not poach top talent in a never ending string of counter offers and employee turnover that would bankrupt or cripple all of the companies (AND THEN WHO WOULD EMPLOY YOU?!)

    if you don’t like your job, start your own company. you can’t?????? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MOP THE GOD DAMNED FLOOR, cal.

  17. so, the government can use drones over US soil to hunt for MEN, but i can’t use one to hunt for a puck?


    WE the people. not YOU the ASSHOLES. if the government can do it, i can do it. you want me to lock someone up forever? private prisons do it… why can’t i? if a group of people determine someone should be locked up, then they should be locked up, and i should be paid to do it.


  18. half rappin’ ass whazzers make me SICK.

    YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?*(&!#%&)*(!#%&)*(!%#

    YOU THINK THIS IS A *FUCKING* GAME???!#*()&!#%^)&(!#%^()&!#%^&)*(!#%^&*()!#%^&*()!#%^

    *bark* *bark* *bark*

  19. Bros and broettes I’m playing bowling alley poker tonight. 6:30 in Middelton.

    Be here and be queer (with me).
    It’s a game. a fuckign game.

  20. oh, you meant total number of kids… the answer is 12. i would have taken under on that… thought he had around 6.

    i need to make more like that… swoop in, make a baby, GET THE FUCK OUT. so much easier.

  21. he APPLIED for bankruptcy to GET OUT of paying the $1.5M.

    the bankruptcy claim was denied, and who knows if the baby momma got paid.

    you know that dog has bones buried all over town. NEVER BANKRUPT.

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