Dubuque Downer

It was a mehhhhhh time in Dubuque in 2013. Did we have fun? Yes. Did we have some interesting new (or returning) characters? Yes. But did I win any money? No. I lost. A lot.

Thankfully wwhazz wasn’t kicked out of the casino this year, but we did witness an innovative new way to handle obnoxious poker players. After an hour or two of Scientist’s table banter, the poker room manager informed him (via an old, tiny waitress) that he could have another drink ONLY if he drank an entire bottle of water in front of them first. A couple of things here:

  • Scientist bottoms-upped the thing and chugged it while staring them down…
  • …but then proceeded to dump some in Timmer’s scotch. Timmer, being involved in a hand at the time, didn’t notice until later.
  • Also, I was way drunker than anyone at the table but because I kept quiet they just kept feeding me Crown & Cokes.

I was pretty much never ahead except for that first poker game, though I lost everything on the end when Scientist bluffed my ass off and I gave him most of my money. Things went downhill from there: bad craps, bad roulette, bad blackjack, etc.

Wwhazz did have a very interesting idea to try to get into the Al Capone suite at the Julian next year and find Joe to run some games there. So go to Dubuque, but don’t go to any casinos. “Why go to Dubuque then?” you ask. “Two reasons,” I respond, “Paul’s Tavern and Funiculars.”

I saw on Snapchat that Scientist burned old Greenie in the backyard? Why? I don’t understand all of the gobbledygook you people are talking about in the comments. Is Greenie-burning because you lost at the Fantasy Whatever? Or because Rogers sat on his balls and didn’t come back this week? I don’t get it.

Kid Disco yesterday was interesting; I liked the nachos, bloody mary’s, and watching children slowing turn into sleeping pumpkins by jumping up and down in front of a bubble machine for two hours.

239 thoughts on “Dubuque Downer

  1. cal said he was back on the kodiak. almost positive he was lying and just razzing me with his lurker knowledge, but that didn’t stop me from ending up at a gas station and re-upping my kodiak supply.

  2. watched a really fun episode of MTV true life about young people coming into money… 1 of the guys was a jersey guido that won $1,000 a week for life off a $5 scratch ticket. he immediately took all his bros down to south beach to do SHOTSSHSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHSHOTSSHOTS and blow 10 G balls. then, he met with a bunch of financial planners who laughed off his idea to make 2 milly in rental real estate. after lottery fees, he takes a lump sum of 32 Gs a year. he thinks he balls hard. his friends are mooching hard. he is so poor.

  3. i have high projections for 2015 cal. like, he PROBABLY won’t suck as much. almost guaranteed. as certain as i can be that the amount he sucks will be less.

    i hope his 2015 welcome back post begins with his confirmed travel itinerary for medallion hunting, as well a SOULFUL apology about missing the previous year.


  4. the other guys on the MTV show were the guys that got 2nd and 3rd in the WSOP main event this past year and now they’re roommates and travel together and back each other in tourneys with their girlfriends.

    i especially liked the beef about staking the girlfriends in 10k events.

    he moves her back to vegas and gets her enrolled in dance classes. smart move.

    he busted in the main event this year in 90 minutes, but still made $250,000 profit from staking someone else.

    i’m sorry, poker. i’ve neglected you. i hope you’re doing ok. i just don’t have time. it’s probably for the best. let the fish get big. i’m come harvest once in a while. i promise. just text me.

  5. i am 100% confident i could beat cal in a pants-off-dance-off to madonna’s “music”

    also, i appreciate what she did with vogueing… but she was basically making fun of it… that isn’t what it really is… nobody knows THE TRUTH*()&!#^)&!#^)&*^!)&(!^#()&*

    i swear i like chicks.


  6. catch this psychosis: as much as i’m convinced that trotting out in the forest was the DUMBEST thing we could have done, it thus becomes the BEST hiding place for next year. ye ol’ poker conundrum. the GIG-JIG is UP. YOU PEE. UP. i need to visit those trees. they will tell me about vistors leaving treasures. we’re tight.

  7. when is the medallion getting hidden? have thefuckerkids on the forum analyzed the hide videos over the past few years?? do they always drive the same van?? the fact that they were taking a bunch of pictures as they hid it made me believe that the park wasn’t picked in advance and all the clues were written after the fact. i doubt that is true though. maybe. i just want to set up surveillance around the newspaper office and follow any car with 4+ people in it. a camera guy would be a giveaway, but news teams go out for shoots all the time. at the paper i worked for, the main camera guy always drove alone though, and i think the camera guy in last years video hopped back in the van with them. i gotta believe they know they need to be tricky, but people are lazy…

  8. the irony of silva “the spider” breaking one of his legs just hit me…. HE HAS 7 SPARES)*&!%)&*(!#%)&*(!)*(&^#


  9. You have to think like a law monkey– they don’t want trouble. I think it will always be somewhere that can handle 10,000 crazed hunters. The big old last night cluster fuck is a tradition. It can’t be near some asshole’s lawn or near dangerous cliffs and ice (where we wasted hours last year).

    I think your mind is going a step too far here. Stop with the hobo camps and off the trial trips.

    RE: the hiding videos

    They seem to be a one man show. Some dipshit with an iphone or handheld takes a walk, drops it, walks away silently. I think every attempt to stake it out and all of the conspiracy theories have been done to death in the chatrooms and on that stupid medallion hunting video I watch each year like 10 times.

  10. Hobo camps and off the trail weirdo spots are good places to hide medallions and toothbrushes of varying quality… I grant you that.

    But I don’t think they fit for this game.

    When do you want me to come up? The last weekend like last time or try and get there the last Wednesday and Thursday night? Midweek is a bitch for childcare and work, but I can try to make it work. Do you think we will hand w cal’s mom?

  11. i think cal’s mom palling around with her daughter cal’s friends would just remind her that her son loves something else more than he loves to DIG.

  12. the HWK pooped in the tub for the first time ever… she said it was, “nasty”.

    nice adjective, bro.

  13. Our two big events yesterday:

    1. I was in the fridge replacing the water filter and Pi came up behind me and took off with a stick of butter. I didn’t notice at first, later saw her eating something. I asked what it was and she very plainly told me, “butter.” She was taking big old bites of it.

    2. Poor parky hit his claw on the cold, cold cement and the entire claw came off all the way to the pad. It was a bloody horror show. I had to build a special cage with our fireplace gate and jess had to make a compression bandage and wrap that with weird brown sticky gauze and then wrap that in an old sock. Good thing she is a nurse with a bunch of special supplies like chemiCALS to prep for surgery and such. He’s still in his cage but the wound looks ok.

  14. certified madddddddd scientists keep the tools around too.

    just saw “the kin” on conan and i’m way into it. such a cal band to like. UGG.


  15. fuck… just reread my cal SLAM…. i did it right and called him “daughter” once… but then i fucked up and said “son”.

    he is a gurl. a gorgeous lady. many talents. let him wave at you in parades. BOOM. #CAREER

  16. do you have any idea how much witch hazel i have?? volume discounts, bro. STUPID not to take advantage.

    cal, i’d like to commission you to take your tin survival kit concepts and grow them to the size of a small cabinet. ship a quote, #HOLMES

  17. or, if you’re up to it… an entire 4×8′ teardrop camper with built in survival kit.

    i got cash.

  18. my favorite part is the itemized list…. i imagine in the wild i would take the tiny pencil and cross out “6 iodine pills” and change it to “65 iodine pills”.

    right now i have 3 things on my mind……..
    1) those god damned shock g digital underground humpty hump glasses with certificate of authenticity and signed picture of him wearing them, all framed up. $100 and i said no. jesus christ. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!#@%*(&#^!)&(!^#)*(&!#^)&(!^#

    2) that teardrop camper i let pass… “i’ll find one cheaper”… YEAH FUCKING RIGHT YOU WILL, MORON. HOW ABOUT WAY MORE EXPENSIVE AND WAY WORSE, YOU IDIOT. I AM YOU. YOU FUCK.)(&*%#)&*(!%#)&*(!^#&*()!%^&*()!^*(&!^#

    3) the local guy with a whazz machine in similar shape as mine… giving up and trying to suck all the money he can out of JUNK. well, junk to commercial market, but a scientist with money could fix it. i punk’d him hard. i won so soundly. a whazz enthusiast of the greatest kind. slain…. jesus. i need to reconnect with that guy. show up with a 24 and some circuit boards, “let’s fix that bitch”

    enjoying your lurking in 2014, cal.

    hoping for more lurker run ins. the maddd/wwww poop show is pretty solid (poop joke), but it kind of runs on (poop joke), and sometimes can block things up (poop joke), or just be shitty self examining shit (shit)……….

    cal sucks.

  19. how about this, cal… LAW TALK:

    explain how the judicial branch can operate under “innocent until proven guilty” in a capitalistic economy that dictates “buyer beware”


  20. innocence or evoking of wary. what is the difference? what does $150,000 worth of learning suggest? how many iodine pills do i need to live FOREVER?????????


  21. outside hire doesn’t make sense. cross probably has the PTSD and war mongering syndrome that mccain has.

    what if no one took the joke. what if the job just wasn’t done, and everyone else stepped up to keep things in line? would classes stop being taught? would students stop mailing in tuition checks?

    TAXPAYER REFUND. the job is waste.

  22. be your own boss.

    if the school is taxpayer subsidized and has MASSIVE cash reserves that it adds to EVERY year, even when giant new kohl’s department store basketball courts are made (those years they make the MOST money)… and tuition gets raised every year…. why does anyone care about saving money? why not get a new boss for everyone else’s boss between them and their current boss? that way, whatever they are responsible for is getting done twice as good with twice the oversight. makes a lot more sense to have to tell 12 people you’re out sick instead of 1.

  23. That money thing is more complex than the news makes it seem. It’s not like there is a scrooge mcduck money vault on our campus.

    But whatever, give me $10 on Criss Cross if you are still taking bets.

  24. what would it take to set up a private business that taught english classes where the credits could transfer to the UW system? is it impossible? does an eduX english course transfer?

  25. It would take a fuck ton.

    Accreditation and such. Sheeet, cal’s law school is just barely a real law school. Everyone wants in on the game. What the biz dudes will do is find a shitty small school that is already accredited and buy it, jack the tuition, enroll as many people as possible, and get rich off that student loan money.

    There is a frontline called “College, Inc.” It’s actually really interesting if you have a little time.


  26. If you think that the UW system is breaking you via taxes, you should see what uni of phx and other private schools are doing.

  27. Law school is pretty much the u of phoenix scam these days in terms of schools getting money through student loans. Cal’s tuition was probably close to what it would have been at a top ten law school. How does that make sense?

    The feds will give money to anyone enrolled and seeking any degree. Law schools have taken this and run. Tons of capital improvements, and at schools that aren’t standalone schools, nice kickbacks to the bigger institution.

    All this is enticed by telling people they can get hotshot big money jobs. There were never that many of those and there are even fewer now. Most lawyers are fairly broke.

    Some shit is starting to correct. Univ of Iowa law school decided to slash enrollment. But most schools are still chasing, and some place in Indiana even opened a new school last year.

  28. here’s a whazz pro tip, any time you see me use the word “taxpayer”, just be quiet and smile, and get ready to read some grade-A MUCKRAKING.

    i’m supposed to bitch about the system taking my money when that system itself generates and defends value to that very money???

    paying taxes is a joke. you want some of your coinbucks back??? here. what’s the exchange rate on stanley nickels to unicorns?

    all money is an illusion, but the dollar is the twingalaxies of illusions. if you want in, suck their diks dipped in BBQ sauce.

    i can’t imagine a country that wouldn’t accept cal with open arms… just to laugh with him about all the debt he left uncle sam. japan seems obvious. #SWIM

  29. i invented a new GRIFT… tic tac toe based… step 1: find a MARK

    explain you’ll wager $20 on a game of tic-tac-toe, where a tie means you lose. 1 rule change, you’ll surrender center square to the MARK when he goes for his first time, but then you get to go twice…. you explain that it’s no different than if you had gone first and didn’t take center and then let him take center and got to go again… basically surrendering center position, and paying off the bet on a tie. that’s a can’t say no bet. #BOOKED

    ah… but the rub she rubs, lady man. you say, “OK, i get to go first.” you take the corner. you called dibs. there is no higher law. MARK takes center and you fill out the trifecta. #WIN

    the mark is mad… but the law is the law, and a bet is a bet. and is is a word in a sentence that begins and ends with and. #PAYME

  30. i’m watching “gothem comedy live” on AXXSSXSXSSS TV…

    a d00d basically just totally ripped off my jake from state farm rant. he went with “3 IN THE MORNING” for his bitching bitch voice, whereas as saw the trite obviousness in “3 in the morning” and went with “fo in da mownin'”. is that even a number? intriguing. such a hack job. i’m going to snapchat it.

    i hate this hack. i can’t wait to hate the rest of his show. hack on, hack. I’M WATCHING.

  31. if anyone can scoop up accreditations from failed schools for cash, it sound like the barrier to entry is less than “fuck ton”… unless you meant fuck ton of cash, and even the failed schools know what they are sitting on and won’t take less than top dollar.

    can you just get accredited on a class by class basis, or do you need to have an accredited college with a minimum set of varied curriculums and an accredited english departed with individually accredited courses? is the “fuck ton” just a bunch of paperwork? could it be automated legalzoom style?

    it’s the same as the stock market… getting a new symbol is way way hard, but find a failed company with a ticker, give them a bunch of money so they can give you the money back in a reverse acquisition, then change the ticker symbol and company name in the next quarterly submission to the SEC.

    eau claire has got 3 new minimall schools… globe, eduX, and some physical therapy school. all brand new construction.

    i have a new idea for collegiate pricing: $2,500 classes, but you get safe driver discounts as the class progresses… 93% on the latest quiz? here is $100. A on the mid-term? $500.


  32. It’s a fuck ton of everything, cash being a big one. Globe is an established diploma mill. I’m not sure about that X one. All mall schools put their cash into marketing and their back pocket… they pay recruiters, used car salesman-types, more than instructors.

    It’s easier to make a charter school. That’s a decent racket.

    Credits cannot be a la cart or a la mode. Even new delivery like the uw flex degree has trouble w financial aid.

    Cash for grades on the HS level was a bust. Not sure if it was tried on the collegiate.

Comments are closed.