Category Archives: Best Of

Looking Back: Charter Fucking Communications

You may remember that time in 2007 where I ranted and raved about how shitty Charter Communication’s service is. For a dumb guy that basically types ‘NUDEPOST’ every two weeks so you fools have a new blank slate to talk about fantasy baseball, I understandably don’t get too many hits from the ‘outside world.’  That post in particular, however has somehow made it to result #7 on a Google search of ‘chart fucking sucks’. That also means that we get disgruntled Charter customers coming along every once in awhile to add their thoughts to the ongoing nightmare that is ‘being a customer of Charter Fucking Communications.’ I am not a revolutionary, but if me swearing about these dumbfucks spreads some social media hatred that in any way could possibly impact their stupid company then I feel that the Internet has done its job. Good job, Internet.

On another topic, Flickr made some updates like WHOA; check out my gallery now, fools.

On a third topic, I’m interested in fooling around with a new forum system called Discourse. How about you regulars head over to the sandbox and play around with it. The main benefit (among others) would be no more need to call for a NUDEPOST, but there’s some other interesting shit in there too. I dunno, try it out and let me know if I should install it on my server.

Enter the Wayback Machine

Through pure chance today I started to browse’s archives on the wayback machine.  Using the handy Archives dropdown to the right you may peruse all of the posts back to August 2002 but true old-timers will know that Whazzmaster’s history has even deeper roots.  It goes all the way back to a Perl CGI script on the UW Computer Science servers that used a flat text file as a database.  The super old-timey whazzmaster posts don’t date even that far back unless you switch over the previous URL:

There are some incredible finds in the former link; when the wayback machine crawled whazzmaster it actually captured quite a few of the now-lost haikus and polls that were up on the site.

For example:

Whazzgiving Fight Poll
The incredibly fascinating whazzgiving fight poll

Look at that thing! Obviously wwhazz vs. cal was the order of the day, but we also saw a little zachery vs. Rock Chalk and even with all the plausible options no one could have foreseen Scientist vs. Cal in a pants-less dick fight.

To the right is another; I honestly don’t know how to decide between options (3) and (4).

Whazzgiving Aftermath Poll
Which option do you go with?I honestly don’t know how to choose between options (3) and (4).

So now I have a new semi-hobby: extracting lost footage (namely haikus and polls) from the wayback machine for archival.  Everyone knows that August 2012 was the Ten Year Anniversary of in more-or-less its current state, but I have a secret desire I’ve harbored: to create a hardbound book that memorializes the wackiness of whazzmaster over its lifetime.  “Best Of” stories intermixed with classic comment dick fights and humorous images.  It would be the perfect thing for any coffee table if only I could get off my lazy ass and actually assemble this thing.

I have to prepare all you homeboys: I’ll be leaving for India on Thursday and so may or may not be posting while wandering around Bangalore.  I do, however, have about 20 hours of combined flight time to get there so maybe it will cause me to post more than ever.  Not sure but keep this place clean in the meantime!

2012 Appleball Champion

Most of the Krew assembled up near Ontonagon, MI last weekend to yell at each other and eat fried food.  And drink beer.  And gamble.

But in the middle of all of that we were supposed to play out the epic pitching duel between Madd and Cal.  One at-bat for all the marbles… would Scientist burn up Cal with three straight heaters? Or would Cal hit a 500 foot homerun for the ages?

Well, we certainly won’t know this year because Madd forgot the goddamned baseballs.  Instead watch what actually happened…

So, there you go you suckers.


An Aerobie Tale

Ok, so here’s a short story about Madd Scientist and his Aerobie.  When we were in elementary school, either 3rd or 4th grade, Scientist brought his prized Aerobie to school with him and we were whippin’ it around at recess.  At some point either me or him (it was probably me, I remember feeling a lot of remorse) whipped it onto the roof of the school.  Like, not the top roof, but a roof over the entrance that was maybe one or two stories up.  I also kinda remember that someone went up there to get it and found a bunch of other balls, frisbees, etc. and threw them down to joyful children.

At least, I’m pretty sure that happened. Scientist’s Aerobie was red with a black stripe.  Long live Scientist’s Aerobie.

On a completely different note, supposedly Turdpress has a new feature that lets you embed a Tweet just by putting the URL in the body.  I’m gonna test it now:

Boom, Home: Acquired

1815 Madison St
1815 Madison St (Living Room)

Well, well. Looky here. Those dudes accepted our offer, and we’re tentatively closing May 26th.  Scientist is a shrewd negotiator;  I wouldn’t want to have to sell him my house.  For those who are way interested, we’ll be walking through the house on Thursday morning with our parents- stop on by if you want to check out the place.

Based on what we’re hearing from our current landlord we may be moving in a blaze of glory between May 26th and June 1st so that we don’t have to pay rent for June, July, and August.  I’m conceiving a Moving-Party-slash-Memorial-Day-Cookout-Spectacular.  Raise your hand if you’re down- and no, you’re not forced to help us move, just show up for a hamburger.

1815 Madison St


The house we're interested in
1815 Madison St., the house we're interested in


Right here on this very website the MADDDDDDDDDD SCIENTIST taught us how to appropriately welcome a baby into the world: with PLOITers and remote observation of ice-fishing.  The result: HWK, a name worthy of the Whazz 99 leaderboard.  First column? In time.  When our descendants return to the long lost .tar.gz files of zipped up ‘web-sites’ to learn the history of their clan, it shall be written that the child’s birth was HERALDED by the RETURN OF ARLO.  Who was this stranger whose presence was almost invisible, yet whose return was celebrated so excitedly by the ancient weirdos who hung out at

I wish I had more profound things to say before I pivot to Current Events; I’m sure the comment thread will overflow with good tidings and links to articles so I’ll let that take care of itself.  Good luck HWK, and don’t let your old man fool you into thinking that it’s a good idea to hit a driver from the fringe. IT’S DUMB! 5 IRON 5 IRON 5 IRON 5 IRON!

Soooo, see that house up there? We really like it.  We’re thinking seriously about trying to buy it.  It is very expensive, but includes everything we want in a house that will grow with us for the foreseeable future.  Five bedrooms, large kitchen, two car garage, one block from the Monroe St shops (including Trader Joe’s). Location, space, and really nice interior is a perfect storm that we’re willing to stretch to try to get.  If it doesn’t work out then it’ll be back to the MLS mines to try to dig out another gold nugget, but for now I’m really excited about this one.


Getting Caught Up

Morning Of

We’re back from the California minimoon and we’re at the Beginning of the Beginning of things getting back to normal around here.  I’ve dumped the 250 odd photos from the last two weeks into the computer and, in doing so, realized that I have a shitload of photos/movies/music on this compy.  My macbook HD is brimming since dumping the video and digital cameras from the wedding– I decided to try dipping my toe in the NAS game to try to lighten the load.

I went for a Synology NAS and 8TB of hard drive room.  With luck that shouldn’t fill up for at least a year.  We’ll see if the firmware is as baller as the web site makes it out to be.  I’m also upgrading to Aperture 3 from iPhoto for managing my photos; all in preparation for my imminent 5D purchase.

Click here to view our professional photos and order prints if you want.  We’ve also got some Flickr photosets ready to roll:

I gotta get the UW Band movie ready to rock-n-bowl on YouTube but it’s not done yet.  HOLLLARIT!

Truck = Sold

Well, I don’t have a car anymore. I sold my Chevy Tahoe this morning, and I’m just now trying to figure out all the steps I need to go through next. It’s made more difficult due to the fact that it’s Saturday and so nothing is open. My short list is: CXL my insurance, CXL one of the parking spots in our apartment, sign up for Community Car, get the lien release for my auto loan payoff and send to the buyer, start walking everywhere… hmm.

I thought I’d prepared myself for a world without owning a car, but obviously it’s a little bit more disconcerting once the car is actually gone from your parking space. It’s not that I all of a sudden need to go somewhere, but simply that Stacy is at work and I don’t have a car. It’ll take a little getting used to, s’all. In no time, I’m sure I’ll be working at Flipper’s and getting my law degree.

All in all, I think this is for the best. Time will tell, however. Time will tell.

Oh My God

I found it. I thought I never would; hell I wasn’t even aware it was kept by someone. But oh god it is the find of the century. Presented just as it was written. Enjoy…


  1. If you fall down, you buy a round of shots at the next bar.
    1. you cannot be pushed
    2. group consensus rules
    3. one knee on ground (football rules)
  2. Everyone has a name
    1. cannot be related to whazz name
    2. Wirkus = Marcus, Casperson = Cyliss, Zach = Tom Z., Tim = Ruben, Ross = Cletus, Ewaz = Smith
  3. Max time limit: 1 hour, Min time: 1 drink, exception: if wait is long or no fun possible, move along
  4. Magic Bar
    1. Pick a bar win $5
      1. Marcus = Monday’s
      2. Tom Z. = PortaBella
      3. Cletus = Bullfeathers
      4. Ruben = The Pub
      5. Smith = Cafe Montemarte
      6. Cyliss = Red Shed

Bar #1: Regent Street Retreat (Ruben)Enter 2:07

Exit 2:59

Notes: – $1 High Life

– $2 Brats and cheeseburgers

– Phi eagles are fucking us

– Cletus defeat Tom Z. (pool)

– Cyliss = sick

Bar #2: Buck’s (Marcus)Enter 3:03

Exit 4:00

Notes: Buck Hunter II Tournament: Tom Z. over Cyliss, Smith over Marcus, Smith over Tom Z. for the title

– OJO = Great Hunter

– Very nice naked lady pics

– Giants win ($100) + 4 team [TIKI BARBER IS ON THE TAKE!]
– 2:55 bartender cajoled us into shots (Kamikazes)

Bar #3: Big 10 (Tom Z)Enter 4:05

Exit 4:50

Notes: – Hockey game: tie, goes into overtime RUBEN WINS IN OVERTIME!

– Cyliss: can’t breath through nostrils

– Things have taken a turn for the worse for silas

Bar #4: Stillwaters Enter 4:57pm

Exit 5:15


– Seated by an Ewaz friend

– It was STRESSED that we will be here only for one drink.

– Mindy chose that next we will go to Vintage Bar & Grill

– Cletus is Jackass

– Fred Game was explained

– Pepper Fake Out Cyliss vs RossCletus

Bar #5: Vintage Bar & Grill

Enter 5:20



– Initial reaction: Frummy

– Tom Z. = insane

– Tom Z. breaks rules and orders vodka + tonic… with a lime and short black straw

– 6:05 = Tom Z is drunk

– Vintage = Vice City

– Cyliss = cig from mouth

– Pit Game = Tim Champion

– Cyliss win all… uses honor… what a champ!

Bar #6: Plaza

Enter 6:25

– Marcus and Cletus are drunk

– Cyliss and Tom Z. begin moose and bear hunt

– hockey war also continues

– hockey war = Cletus [unintelligible] dept. store 2 wins

– Drunk Stories:

  1. Picaresque Part 1
  2. “Shooting Fatigue”
  3. Rhonda call #2 took place

– Cyliss is the Moose/Bear Hunting Champion: Bar none.

– I’m writing, I’m drunk: Smith

Bar #7: Badgerland Bar & Grill

– Lots of memories shared

– Picture taken in bell pantry

– Smith wins $5 bet

Bar #8: Irish Pub

Enter 8:00pm



– Viewed picture of Marcus and Kenny

– Cletus left for dead


– “I’m not doing this to hurt you cyliss.” – Marcus – S.S.

Bar #9: The Pub

Supplemental Dan P.

– Cast: Dan P. = Garrett, Dan P. Girlfriend, Melissa = Britney

– Vodka + Red Bull

Bar #10: Orpheum


– No one wanted to go to Orpheum, we picked again: Best Western Hotel, NO! Then we picked, Tutto Pasta!

Bar #10: Tutto Pasta

Enter 9:35pm


– It is a good chance that Smith will puke up yellow mustard stuff tomorrow

– Lynn (Fancy Face) meets us

– We ate dinner

– The drunkards consist of: Tom Z., Smith, Marcus, Cletus, Ruben, FancyFace not drunk yet.

– Women at next table (large breasts) told us to “turn it down”. Tom Z. told them to meet us at King Club.

Bar #11: King Club

Enter 10:50pm


– $5 cover

– BADGERS WIN! BADGERS WIN! <- 31-28 - 2 belvy gimlets = $14

Bar #12: Paradise

Enter 11:20pm

– Marcus was nursed back to health by Tom Z. (Anchor Bank)


– FancyFace’s motto: “It’s Redonculous!”

– Wirkus is ready for the wedding speech!

– Jamal’s motto: “It’s very abrasive!”

Bar #13: Madison Maduro

Enter 11:55pm

– Tom Z.’s throat is killing him

– We hate the bartender


– Tom Z. drinks a Woodchuck Cider

– FancyFace’s special bar is Up North

– Guy said “no shooting” (bartender) (it was weird) (nuff said)

– They need to “as fancyface says” “regrout” their bar.

– Contact Adam Gehrman about regrouting. He knows how to do stuff like that.

– 12:37am: SMITH TAPS OUT!

Bar #14: Essen Haus

– Sean buy more pretzels… mmm… mmm… mustard. Quealy —- Go to school… damn it… that mustard is hot.  Wirkus is tearing off pretzels with crazy mustard.

– We are all wasted except Sean

– Harry Potter 2?? from Sean – cin… yes / M.P. Yes

– M.P. Company says go see H.P.2– no says kill myself

Bar #15: Up North

Enter God Only Knows

– “low-rise jeans are only made to show panties, especially g-strings” – fancyface

– Kritin Lomas + Cletus = LUV & WHAZZ

– Tom Z. = James Joyce (w/hat)

– Royce da 5’9″ just got signed to the Brewers… infield.

– Ruben = wasted. Threw cigarette on ground rather than give it to fancyface.

– overall a good night

– Marcus: “this meighborhood is not built for mirth”

Viva Las Vegas

Three days: the Perfect Amount of Time to spend in Las Vegas.

Spacebee and I have a history in Vegas; last May I met her and her friends with the sole intent to show her just how out of control I could ball.  Things went pretty OK on that trip, so for her 26th birthday we hit it with the express goal of eventually quitting it.

For the first time ever, I attended a “show” in Vegas.  Bellygirl and wwhazz had seen Zumanity at NY, NY so we saw that one.  If you ever imagined what it would be like if a burlesque show got drunk and smashed into a fliipty-floppity-gymnastics show light pole doing 125, you need imagine no further.  A highlight: a half-naked man who flew through the air on some billowy drapes at the end of the show took spacebee and I’s photograph.

A couple of notes:

  • We kicked it at the Voodoo Lounge on top of the Rio.  If you’re looking for an awesome view while you drink, this is the place to go.  Even with the not-so-great weather (see below) it was still a fantastic time.  Big ups to spacebee’s bro on the recommendation.
  • The weather was not so great…  while sunny, it was only getting into the high 50’s during the day.  We were hoping to escape the snow to some nice days, and while 60° is better than 20° it’s not a good as 80°.  We did go down to the pool on Friday, but didn’t stay long.
  • We went to the Wynn on Wednesday and while it was very nice, I just couldn’t fucking afford it.  Even on a Wednesday all of the table minimums were too rich for my blood.  Then we went to the bar called Lure, and all seats and tables were reserved for bottle service.  Bottle of Stoli? $350 Bottle of Captain Morgan’s? $450  We just couldn’t roll with that, so we took off after one drink.
  • Holy shit the Bellagio sucks.  We went there for just a little while on Friday night and it was packed with utter jackasses from top to bottom.  The dealers were rude, and we escaped quickly.  The Bellagio is over and done with. Don’t go there.
  • We stayed at the MGM this trip and I ate that place alive, gambling-wise.  Up $600 in craps, and around $1000 in blackjack (single deck was very good to me this week).  Wynn, on the other hand, ate me alive to the tune of $500 in craps.  Everywhere else was pretty much a break-even proposition.
  • Old Vegas was fun as usual, we kicked it at the Golden Gate Casino and the Golden Nugget.  Spacebee and I had a rollicking good time at the cheapo $1 roulette table.
  • For the first time ever, instead of running the Vegas Economy solely to the benefit of restaurants and strip joints, I used my profits to actually buy stuff that I would take home with me.  Spacebee and I hit the Forum shops in Caesar’s and did some shopping for purses and clothes, which was good.
  • For old time’s sake we had dinner at Gallagher’s in NY, NY.  Upon further reflection, it was some of the worst service I have ever encountered in a restaurant.  The waiter had Zero interest in us, to the point where, when he would talk to us, he would always be looking elsewhere in the restaurant.  When asked how a Rose champagne was, his response was “(pause)Awesome!” Looking for a little better description there, champ.
  • Booze: oh man, I never want to see booze again… until next weekend.

Overall a very fun trip.  I did a lot of Traditional Vegas Stuff™ that I normally never do, and the gambling went well enough to cover a good portion of the stuff we did.  Next trip: let’s do a bigger group.  HOLLLLAIR.