Category Archives: Family

I’ve Gathered You All Here…

…to announce something that many of you already know but I didn’t say it on here because I’m lazy and I’ve been pretty busy lately.


It’s been awhile since I rapped atcha, but there’s been significant developments in the area of human development and all that rigamarole.  As in: fetal development.  As in: Spacebee and I are going to enter the wonderful world of parenthood.  As in: we’re having a kid, goddammit.  And that makes me wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this stupid website and madddddddddddd’s spacedockin’ adventures out of sight of this kid until they’re at least 45 years old.  “Whatever kid, yes, ‘space docking’ is exactly what it sounds like.  Now blow out the candles- it’s your 3rd birthday.”

In theory, this Bouncing Baby Whatever will be born January 2nd, 2013.  Let’s extrapolate for awhile, shall we?

DATELINE January 2nd, 2023: Whazzmaster is 44 and his child is 10.  The Whazzmaster Household, which currently holds five computers per square foot, is in lockdown mode after Child asks Mom what ‘boobies’ are and the decision was made to put passwords on everything up-to-and-including the cat.

DATELINE January 2nd, 2027: Somehow Whazzmaster has paid off his mortgage but that triumph is overshadowed by a more pressing development. Kid has found this very post on whazzmaster and is now asking uncomfortable questions about, well, just about everything that happened from 2002 until 2027.

I’m bored of this conceit now; on to more interesting shit!  The UP should be super fun this year, especially if Cal manages to drag hisself across the continent for the excitement.


Big (ten) Weekend

I hosted two families at my place this weekend; Friday was extra busy since housekeeping had to get all the linens changed and washed before the 4pm check-ins started to arrive.  I narrowly averted a mental breakdown on Saturday but healed nicely on Sunday by laying on the couch all afternoon and evening.

Badgers should be going to the Rose Bowl- I assume we will have a sufficient place to place wild bets and drink to excess up in Door County on New Year’s Day, eh lawman?  Sister Bay Bowl, perhaps?  The game was pretty fun, even given the fact that they won a million to whatever, and we whooped it up afterward back at our place.  I was even afforded the chance to clean out my freezer to keep serving food to the dozen people in my kitchen: fifth of a bag of Totino’s Pizza Rolls? Check.  Half a bag of tater tots? Check.  Mini-quiches? Check. Black bean empanadas? Check.

I was a little sad about the Packers, but really just seeing that old broken down shitpile Favre stumble around throwing interceptions for the rest of the season is enough to make me consider 2010 a resounding success.

What did you idiots do? AND DON’T SAY TOFURKEY, CAL.

Whazzmaster Survival Football 2010

The Winner's Spoon

And with that, the 2010 Whazzmaster Survival Football contest has begun. My pick for the Super Bowl? Packers over the Yankees in a surprise cross-sport matchup.  The final prize pool is as follows:

  • Wooden spoon
  • Beer (12-pack of Supper Club)
  • One bottle of Dom P
  • Will Purdue’s autographed size 27 shoe
  • A new-in-box Slap Chop

Yesterday was me and the wife’s two week anniversary.  Smooth sailing, all the way across the sky.

I also took in a child’s birthday party yesterday at Elmwood Plaza Lanes in sunny Racine, Wisconsin.  Fun was had by all, as is evidenced by this photo:


Double Wedding All The Way Across The Sky

The Wedding of the (Pick One: Week, Month, Year, Decade, Century, Millenium) went off without any hitches at all this weekend!  Spacebee and I were married in front or dearest family and friends in Madison on August 28th, 2010 and I couldn’t be happier.  There will be much more to come once we get the myriad photos and videos processed and ready for viewing, so for now we’ll focus on the key things we learned this weekend:

  1. The Don does Good Work as a best man, including the ability to carry 20,000 dental remedies at all times.
  2. The Madddddddddddddd Scientist and Rach-O are gonna have a kid. Jesus Christ; nice curveball scientist. Can’t wait for this.
  3. Wedding Summer is over and done (and not too soon)
  4. It’s funny but scary when someone whips a pizza fastball-style at someone’s head from 5 feet away
  5. The UW Band is terrifically awesome at weddings
  6. Isthmus DJs are fucking incredible

Again, more to come.  For now we’re chilling out in the San Fran area, and we’ll be up in Napa come the end of the week.  I think we’ll get the pics back within a few weeks and then I’ll put up a little somethin-somethin for y’all to look at.

Downhill From Here

Zach & Stacy at Big Powderhorn
Zach & Stacy at Big Powderhorn

Well, we got back safe and sound from Da Up North, Eh?  Had a ball in Bessemer with spacebee and the family.  As I mentioned earlier, we were afforded the unique opportunity to watch The Super Bowl at bucketheads in uptown Rhinelander.  They had $1.50 Miller Lites and free Hores Durves set out in back.  I drank three buckets of Jameson and then Stacy drove us ‘home’ to the Quality Inn.

I goddamned hate Super Bowl commercials.  “Here’s a talking (noun), buy our shit!”  “Here’s a wacky man-child (verbing) a (noun), buy our shit!”  “Here’s Tim Tebow, don’t get an abortion or prenatal care!”   Eat shit, Tim Tebow.

I skied for three days and fell down three times; that’s a shitload better than last year and I consider it a resounding success.  Let the mountains ring with God’s graciousness and ma-jest-fucking-ty!  We also returned to the infamous Pub N’ Grub for Thursday night karaoke.  All the old pals from last year were there and, again, by the end of the evening I was Marcus-n-Mcteague’n it with all of them.  Six dollar pitchers of Miller Lite and Jameson shots will do that, son. On the way back home I desperately wanted to go to (in order) the Watersmeet casino, the Lake of the Torches casino, and Ho-Chunk.  By the time we got south enough to consider Ho-Chunk, however, I just wanted to sleep on the couch the rest of the day. So… no Ho-Chunk.  I still owe wwhazz a night at the Canfield for his birthday, though, so anyone that wants in on that is welcome.

Wwhazz, thanks for doing our cat for a week.

There’s not a lot of upcoming events here at Whazzmaster Central– spacebee’s birthday is at the end of the month and at the same time (coincidentally) as my Yearly Start of Daily Wishing It Would Warm Up Already, Dammit.  I got her a birthday gift: The Big Minnie. Black. Clean. Tight Curl. Turquoise bead wrap.  Now that I look at the description that way I can’t decide whether I bought her a hat or a dildo. Say lah vee.

I really, really gotta get TNG on the Tivo.  We’ll make a space for it amid Spacebee’s ten thousand episodes of Criminal Minds.  There must be some room in all that serial killing for Data’s quest for humanity or Troi in a skin-tight leotard.  I assume that somewhere in history someone has already made a joke about a leotard being a retarded leopard, but the word still looks weird when I type it.

Pickles and grapes!

Leave a Message

I’m in a Rhinelander motel right now, watching super bowl highlights and drinking continental breakfast coffee. We’ll be in the UP for the week with my family; net access will be sketchy so I hope y’all have a ball.

My thoughts on the SB: love that the saints won and thought calls like the onside kick and 4th-and-1 at the goalline were awesome calls you don’t see often in the super bowl. We listened to the first half on Chicago AM radio and watched the second half at Bucketheads bar in delightful uptown Rhinelander, which was fun as shit.

Get along little doggies.

Good to be Back

Kangaroo Lake
Kangaroo Lake

We had a really fun time up in Door County this weekend.  Check, check Teh Flickr for some great pics from Peninsula State Park and Kangaroo Lake.

There was a lot of wine, booze, and food had by all, and we had to work it off eventually– my personal favorite was the two hour bike ride through Peninsula in the rain and cold.  Mercifully, at the the end of the ride we climbed to the top of Eagle Tower.  Long story short: ride uphill seven miles, then climb a giant tower.  Fun…

It looks like the Bay Bridge fell apart yesterday— wow, great repair job fellas.  I can only assume mass chaos in the Yay Area today so good luck on everyone’s commute!

Not much else to report. Er, what’re y’all dressing as for Halloween?

Looong Weekend

Door County Barn
Door County Barn

We’re heading up to Door County for a long weekend to kick it with both Spacebee’s and my parents.  Everyone’s gathering for a nice fall weekend in the North Woods; if all goes well the rain will be kept to a minimum and we’ll get to… I dunno, go on a hayride or some shit.  I wouldn’t mind heading up to Warshington Island to hit the hotel for a coffee and some wine.

So all the rest of y’all have a good time yourselves this weekend– we won’t be back until Wednesday.  I say Cla and Madd call an uneasy truce and meet for tea and crumpets on Treasure Island.  Then maybe play some Battlebots or some shit; I dunno.


What was I talking about? Bluegill? Fuck that– s’all about TROUT now, holmes.  Two weeks ago Lawman and I went out to Salmo Pond and I hooked some bass while he brought in three nice trout.  He even gave me one to take home and cook and it was delicious.  I can’t wait to go out there again.

This weekend wasn’t it, though, as Spacebee and I went on another World Tour from Madison down to Aurora, IL and then back up to Racine for a Memorial Day Cookout & Beer Pong Spectacular.  That was fun games day/brat patty fest.  And speaking of brats, we also hit Brat Fest over at the Alliant Energy Center on Saturday.  Every year that thing gets a little more extravagent– this year they had carnival rides, two music stages, a gigantic condiment tent, and KAYAK RIDES.  Dollar fifty brats ain’t bad neither.

On the way home from Racine we stopped at Potowatami so Spacebee could turn in her silver key for a “chance to win” $100,000.  I’m quoting it because it’s stretching things like plastic man with his dick stuck in his zipper to say that that fucking travesty is even a contest.  In this “contest” they will announce a $1,000 winner every day at 8am and 8pm from now until June 19th.  The catch: you not only have to present to win the $1000, but you have to check in within SEVEN MINUTES or they will pick a new name.  Now, let’s just say you manage to sprint from wherever you are in the casino to where you have to check in.  You get your 1K, and then you get to pick from 3 magical fucking treasure chests.  One of them has a golden ticket, which gets you an entrance to the Grand Prize drawing.  Of course, you also must be present to win the $100,000 grand prize.  I don’t know, but presume, that you must claim it within 13 seconds if you are announced as the winner.  Of course, this is the same brand of Not-A-Contest Contest that we have seen so much from the Milwaukee Brewers (often in league with the very same sham casino).  Example: “If Dave Bush throws a no-hitter and the runs add up to 21 and JJ Hardy hits for the cycle in the 10th inning one lucky fan wins a $100 gift certificate to Dream Dance!”  Fuck you, Potowatami Bingo & Casino.

So, the Brewers suck this year.  I’m really, really leaning on the fact that they play 5 out of every 4 games on the goddamned road so far this year while the Cubs whup on Pitssburgh at home seemingly every other game, but who knows at this point.  The pitching rotation is a certified mess, the pen is already shitty, and up and down the lineup dudes can’t buy a hit.  That’s not a winning formula.  And now Melvin is picking up any old broke-dick dog free agent with a 102.7 ERA which should be a terrific solution to the woes.  I say someone coat a tack with roids and put it on Gagne’s clubhouse chair.  Or something.  I’m not even sure at this point.

Next week we’re camping up in Door County so I’ll be indisposed.  Either it will be a fun trip or I’ll be buried alive in a terrifying avalanche of spiders.  The former brings untold riches of stories and anecdotes; the latter brings horrific death and this story holding the front page in perpetuity.  Seeya, cowboy.