Category Archives: Special

I Am In India

I am in France. It is 8am here but in reality it is 1:26AM Central Time.  The Paris airport is odd; Gucci and Burberry stores everywhere I don’t think I can afford to even breath the air in here.  I don’t know how much this internet is costing me but I’ll just go ahead and assume it’s a ton.

The flight from Detroit to Paris was uneventful; I didn’t have the fancy-as-shit lie-flat seats for that leg (although I think I have one on the next flight) but the service and food was amazing.  The nice lady in the seat next to mine dumped a glass of red wine on me when they came to collect our dinner plates. Sad time.  I slept for about 2 hours.  I have to say it was odd to get on the plane at 6pm (light out!) fly across the ocean and get out at 8am (light out!) while not having 14 hours actually elapse.

It just occurred to me that you fools might be hanging out.  Nope, just checked and you’re not.

So anyways here I am in Paris.  Well, the Paris airport at any rate.  I’ll be moseying along to India in about 2 hours.

My Itinerary: 1 hour flight to Detroit, 4 hour layover in Detroit, 8 hour flight to Paris, 3 hour layover in Paris, 9 hour flight to Bangalore.  Left Madison at noon on Thursday and I will get into Bangalore at 11:45pm Friday.  I’m meeting Fuddruckus on the other side of the planet for breakfast on Sunday.  He’ll likely be late.

[UPDATE 1]  I am in India.  Had a snafu at the airport and couldn’t find the driver so I took a shady-as-hell cab to the nicest hotel I’ve ever stayed in.  My room is dope as hell, and I’m starting to unwind from The Eternal Traveling.  It’s 2:06am local time and my body has no idea at all what to do.  Not real sleepy, not entirely hungry.  I think I’ll drink a beer? Maybe?  More to come; the weekend is for jet lag recovery and figuring out how to do a speedy INR-to-USD conversion in my head.

[UPDATE 2] I am in India.  I spent the vast majority of my day drinking champagne at various sites in the city.  Met Fuddruckus for coffee in the morning and then had a bottle of prosecco at the Lotus Pavilion. Later on we met up with some other Intuit folks for brunch at the Leela Palace; holy hell was it expansive and delicious.  I fell asleep at 9:30pm but am now completely awake at 3:30am.  Today is gonna be one tiring affaire. Did the Packers win?

[UPDATE 3] I am in India. Spent the day here with the rest of the team. It culminated in drinking Budweiser at a nearby resort and having a dance contest with a coworker that drank a bottle of wine during lunch.  #iwon  Going out shopping with fuddruckus before he heads back murica but later tonight I’ll update with more and answer scientist’s questions from comments.

[UPDATE 4] I am in India. Q&A Time! I am sleeping well these days, and I woke up this morning and hit the gym for awhile.  Now I’m sitting in the pavilion drinking Kingfisher and reading the internet while I install a build from the India servers to my triage machine.  As such, I have the luxury of time and so I will answer some questions I have received:

  1. how is butt? exploding? No, my digestive track is holding up pretty well.
  2. how is not getting kidnapped? kidnapped?  No, I have not been kidnapped.
  3. how is champagne? cheaper? Way more expensive, but hard to tell because of exchange rates.
  4. how is fudddddddd? escaped back to amurika? He achieved exit velocity two nights ago and should be back in the Yay Area now.

Regarding the Flat Tire Disaster of Oh-12:

  1. was it a joyful learning experience? Joyful? No. Learning Experience? Yes.
  2. was it a slightly annoying repressed anger feigned smiles experience? It’s hard to be angry about a flat tire when you look out your car window (on your 45 minute-to-2 hour commute) and see unbridaled poverty and destruction everywhere, all the time.  Like, if you ever have a meeting scheduled with someone in Bangalore and they are 10 minutes late I implore you to not be mad or give them shit.  They were possibly detained by literally a cow being in the middle of the road.  Not a rural road either, a downtown throroughfare.  Like if Market St traffic in SF was ground to a halt because a bike hit a cow.
  3. was it an all out scream fest? did you chastise the driver? the driver’s company? the people that set you up with the company? No, no, no, and no.  We felt real bad for the guy and tipped him extra huge ($20 ~ Rs 1000 which the biggest bill available in this currency) because he had to pay for the new tire(s) himself.  The whole “hole in the tire and then the spare tire was also flat” situation happened Monday, but on Thursday when we arrived at the office we got out and the damn new tire had a giant hole in it.  The driver looked sad and then we felt sad.

[UPDATE 5] I am in India.  I’m at the hotel’s Sunday Brunch right now. Really nice (though not as wonderful as the Leela Palace brunch last weekend), but something is starting to get to me.  I realize that this paints me in an unflattering, stupid-american light but I’m starting to lose my shit with regard to eating.  I’m down to about one meal per day because I’m starting to not be able to stand Indian cuisine at every meal.  I’m usually eating a VERY large breakfast because the buffet at the hotel includes many Americanized dishes I can gorge on before I head to work with the looming lunch choice of <Insert Something> Curry and Rice or a McDonald’s Spicy Chicken sandwich.  In the eight days I’ve been here I’ve eaten dinner three times, with one being a team dinner at another swank hotel, and two being pizza from room service.  I must commend the ITC Garndenia on their pepperoni, bell pepper, and fontina pizza: it is GOOD.  The restaurant also makes a very, very good asparagus and pea risotto.

I just decided I’m going to eat nonsense for brunch today and skip dinner again. I’m already TIPSY~! on two big rum & cokes (hi spacebee!) so I figure I’ll stuff myself with biryani, sushi, veggie fried rice, and a shitload of desserts and then sleep the afternoon away.  I may call up Fudd’s homey Anup (a very liberal local Intuiter) to hit some kind of karaoke tonight, I guess we’ll see if I’m hungover by 4pm or not.

Also, hurray to Taipei Assassins for winning the League of Legends Season 2 World Championships!  I had a very fun (if early) morning drinking hotel room coffee and yelling at the internet.  That shit was seriously 1000 times more entertaining than the Super Bowl.

I’ve Gathered You All Here…

…to announce something that many of you already know but I didn’t say it on here because I’m lazy and I’ve been pretty busy lately.

Ahem.

It’s been awhile since I rapped atcha, but there’s been significant developments in the area of human development and all that rigamarole.  As in: fetal development.  As in: Spacebee and I are going to enter the wonderful world of parenthood.  As in: we’re having a kid, goddammit.  And that makes me wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this stupid website and madddddddddddd’s spacedockin’ adventures out of sight of this kid until they’re at least 45 years old.  “Whatever kid, yes, ‘space docking’ is exactly what it sounds like.  Now blow out the candles- it’s your 3rd birthday.”

In theory, this Bouncing Baby Whatever will be born January 2nd, 2013.  Let’s extrapolate for awhile, shall we?

DATELINE January 2nd, 2023: Whazzmaster is 44 and his child is 10.  The Whazzmaster Household, which currently holds five computers per square foot, is in lockdown mode after Child asks Mom what ‘boobies’ are and the decision was made to put passwords on everything up-to-and-including the cat.

DATELINE January 2nd, 2027: Somehow Whazzmaster has paid off his mortgage but that triumph is overshadowed by a more pressing development. Kid has found this very post on whazzmaster and is now asking uncomfortable questions about, well, just about everything that happened from 2002 until 2027.

I’m bored of this conceit now; on to more interesting shit!  The UP should be super fun this year, especially if Cal manages to drag hisself across the continent for the excitement.

Wahoo.

VEGAS! 2012

Yes, I’m the star of the hit show: Vegas! This one’s a reboot after four years in development hell. Seal Team Seven dropped into McCarran Airport at 9:30am on Friday and we were checked-in at TheHOTEL by 10:30am.

A little lunch (tequila) and we were off and running at the tables. I won $75 playing craps, and then wandered over where the rest of our group was playing roulette. Played my usual style (heavy on 20, lighter on 12, spread the table to hedge) and in four spins I went [12, 12, blank, 20]. After the back-to-back twelves I was heavyheavyheavy on the 20 when it hit- I think I won $500 or $600 on just the 20. I kept hitting numbers so on an off chance I just threw a hundo on 20 to see if vegas had decided it was my time to fucking SHINE. Nope, not that lucky.

We went and threw down a G-ball on steaks and scotch. I had some roasted marrow bones that grossed out most of the table (though Spacebee did eat some!) and then we headed back to the tables. Went up another $350 at craps and then met everyone for live band karaoke at the House of Blues. Sat and drank beer, vodka, and more during that little run and then they closed the show down around 2:30am (right before I was up on the list to sing Jump Around!)

I’d been drinking since lunchtime (the full list: beer, scotch, vodka, tequila, red wine, and two hundred 7&7’s) so I swayed over to the roulette table again and played some more numbers. I hit the 12 and 20 again and was up about $400 when I decided to take my winnings and quit while I was ahead. I colored up my chips, tipped the dealer, and what I had was a bunch of blacks and one $25 greenie. I threw the greenie on 20 and it hit on the next spin. Boom: $900 holmes. I was so drunk that I didn’t even get excited. I just swayed there and grinned for about 5 minutes, then went to pee.

Two of the folks we were with went to bed 45 seconds before the big score, and then the other four of us were trying to decide what to do. The other couple asked if we wanted to go to bed since we’d been up since 3am, Vegas-time, and I yelled “I’m rich biatch! We’re partyin’!” We went to the Minus 5 Ice Bar in the Mandalay and I bought fur coats for the ladies so they could sit on an ice bench and drink Snowflakes. Spacebee was very wobbly in the ice bar, and everyone thought I was the Incredible Hulk the way I was still functioning like a hue-man given the amount I’d drank. We retired at about 4:30am.

So on Friday I bought into chips for $200 after lunch and when I went to bed I had $2400 in chips in my pocket.

Cue ominous, distant thunder.

I spent some fo the winnings to rent a cabana by the pool on Saturday. They were pretty booked up but they reserved us one and said we had to get downstairs before 10:30a or they’d charge my held card number and give away the reservation. I awoke to a bad (but not too bad, considering) hangover, pulled clothes on, and stumbled down towards the pool at 10am while everyone else slept in or ate breakfast. In the elevator I cursed at the thumping disco music to the amusement of the other occupants. Halfway across the vast Mandalay casino floor I had to stop and give myself a pep talk that I’d make it to the pool. I approached the cabana host counter and asked the nice lady working there if she’d kill me. She looked concerned and said, “…no.” They took me over to the cabana and the host asked if he could get me anything. I asked politely for coffee, and then I curled up in a ball and slept in the corner of the cabana until everyone else showed up (some not until 2pm).

Later in the evening we had dinner and then headed down to Fremont Street. Holy fucking hell that place has gone to shit. By which I mean: it used to be a respite from the dumb bullshit on the strip, but every casino I walked into had $10 or $15 minimum tables and were packed to the gills. The booming music, the collective wal*mart patrons of america clientele, the dancing grannies. I could put up with all that for $3 craps, but no fucking way am I gonna endure that for the same table minimums I would find on the strip.

I lost every bet I made on Saturday.

I lost nearly every bet I made on Sunday.

We went and saw the Love show at The Mirage on Sunday night. Afterwards we wandered into O’Sheas and whooped it up with some $5 craps. Then we walked all the way back to the Monte Carlo and jumped a cab from there back to the hotel due to whining and yelling by the ladyfolk.

This morning I checked my funds and saw that the three dinners, cabana rental, minus 5 ice spectacular, and most of all 48 hours of consecutive losses had brought me back from my winner’s high on Friday. Ah well, we did have a fantastic time and the big score on Friday more than makes up for the dreary gambling on Saturday and Sunday.

Pancakes!

[UPDATE] whazzmaster.com is now officially blocked on the Intuit intranet.  Probably because of the name of the post, but maybe not.

whazzmaster.com: banned in one company

Horton Babies, Y’All

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It’s my pleasure to report that Arlo and Jen had a baby last night! It’s a GIRL and everyone’s feelin fine.  Major congratulations to all three of them.

I won’t post any info because this is the INTERWEBS and doncha know a kid don’t need to start her life with her name plastered everywhere.

1815 Madison St

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

The house we're interested in
1815 Madison St., the house we're interested in

THE HAWK, SHE SOARS!

Right here on this very website the MADDDDDDDDDD SCIENTIST taught us how to appropriately welcome a baby into the world: with PLOITers and remote observation of ice-fishing.  The result: HWK, a name worthy of the Whazz 99 leaderboard.  First column? In time.  When our descendants return to the long lost .tar.gz files of zipped up ‘web-sites’ to learn the history of their clan, it shall be written that the child’s birth was HERALDED by the RETURN OF ARLO.  Who was this stranger whose presence was almost invisible, yet whose return was celebrated so excitedly by the ancient weirdos who hung out at whazzmaster.com?

I wish I had more profound things to say before I pivot to Current Events; I’m sure the comment thread will overflow with good tidings and links to centralwisconsinsports.net articles so I’ll let that take care of itself.  Good luck HWK, and don’t let your old man fool you into thinking that it’s a good idea to hit a driver from the fringe. IT’S DUMB! 5 IRON 5 IRON 5 IRON 5 IRON!

Soooo, see that house up there? We really like it.  We’re thinking seriously about trying to buy it.  It is very expensive, but includes everything we want in a house that will grow with us for the foreseeable future.  Five bedrooms, large kitchen, two car garage, one block from the Monroe St shops (including Trader Joe’s). Location, space, and really nice interior is a perfect storm that we’re willing to stretch to try to get.  If it doesn’t work out then it’ll be back to the MLS mines to try to dig out another gold nugget, but for now I’m really excited about this one.

So, to sum up: THE HAWK! THE HOUSE! GOODNIGHT!

SEBEN! HOE-CHO! CHICKEN DICKS!

Scientist Breaks Off Diamond Jo
Scientist Breaks Off Diamond Jo

Hoo boy.  Dubuque, Iowa ain’t never seen the likes of us before. And they must be glad we left; we won a lot of money.  From Friday afternoon until Sunday morning the madd scientist, the lawman hisself, and I could not go near a craps table without BREAKING IT OFF.  We did it with points. We did it with come bets. We did it with hard ways.  We did it sober.  We did it drunk.  We did it while hungry and while groaning from the meals we had just eaten.  WE COULD NOT LOSE!  We also found a new gambling home in Dubuque. We had previously been faithful patrons of Diamond Jo’s;

The cap and trade system worked well for the hotel room, and on that note I have to again commend the Hotel Canfield for their affordable rates and gentle understanding about dudes playing loud heads-up poker at 5:30am.  We were able to get a suite and a second room for two nights each for a grand total of $330.

We had great burgers at Paul’s Tavern, and a semi-nice dinner at Champagne in the Mystique Casino.  The  service was great there, but the food was kinda sorta only Ok.  Wwhazz got booted out of the poker room on Saturday night.  It was a perfectly natural misunderstanding.

After I retired early on Saturday night the boys went back to Diamond Jo and broke that fool off again (see top picture).  They just couldn’t be stopped at winning money, however they COULD be stopped at finding food.  Seriously, it’s very hard to get a bite to eat in Dubuque after 1am and the world record blizzard earlier in the day didn’t help things.

Epic Macdonalds
Epic Macdonalds

So, as I hear it, the boys walked through the still-open drive-thru of the nearby McDonalds. Alas! They were turned away and told they needed to be in a car.  Never ones to be denied, these stalwart heroes of modern mastication acquired the necessary tools and sped back through the same drive-thru minutes later.  Their take, rendered in pixels to the left, was 10 McChicken sandwiches, 10 cheeseburgers, and 60 Chicken McNuggets. Also: several large fries.

Upon awaking Sunday morning I had a delicious breakfast of mcnuggets and la croix.  We said our goodbyes and then headed out of town…

…IS WHAT YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY! Instead we headed back to Mystique to “wait out the bad weather” and had by far our best craps session of the trip.  I mean it was serious unloading.  We won money. HOE-CHO! CHICKEN DICKS! It was all hitting us.  We could not be defeated, but we could be yelled at by our wives so ultimately the trip had to end and we started the slow trip back north.

Until next time, Dubuque…. CHICKEN DICKS STICKS!

1000th Stupid Thing No One Reads

The 1,000th Post
The 1,000th Post

I’m proud to announce that after 8 years, 3 months, and 12 days we’ve reached the 1,000th post to whazzmaster.com.  From its humble beginnings as a clearinghouse for my rants about tater tot packaging, to the towering heights when Old Man hung out talking trash with people he had never met, to its present-day state of sleepy sniping between the Madd Scientist and Cal, whazzmaster.com has endured.

Without this dumb thing I’d be completely unaware of the present state of theoretical economics, and I would never have seen Brock breakdancing nor would I have seen an online battle rap conducted over thousands of miles.

I started a website in 1997 (Chaos Central), turned it into a Perl-driven ‘blog’ (the word wasn’t invented yet) in 1999, and rewrote the whole thing using PHP in 2001.  When I had the opportunity to pick a domain name there was only one that occurred: I’m the master of whazz (courtesy of my then-newly purchased Golden Tee machine), hence whazzmaster.com.

I’m pleased as punch the way I was able to stay in contact with my Madison pals through this dumb thing, and I continue to marvel that more than one person (me) ever comes here and expends the energy to yell at people and post links to videos, pictures, and items for sale.

Thanks for a G of fun, here’s looking forward to 2012 when we get to celebrate whazzmaster.com’s 10 year anniversary.

Double Wedding All The Way Across The Sky

The Wedding of the (Pick One: Week, Month, Year, Decade, Century, Millenium) went off without any hitches at all this weekend!  Spacebee and I were married in front or dearest family and friends in Madison on August 28th, 2010 and I couldn’t be happier.  There will be much more to come once we get the myriad photos and videos processed and ready for viewing, so for now we’ll focus on the key things we learned this weekend:

  1. The Don does Good Work as a best man, including the ability to carry 20,000 dental remedies at all times.
  2. The Madddddddddddddd Scientist and Rach-O are gonna have a kid. Jesus Christ; nice curveball scientist. Can’t wait for this.
  3. Wedding Summer is over and done (and not too soon)
  4. It’s funny but scary when someone whips a pizza fastball-style at someone’s head from 5 feet away
  5. The UW Band is terrifically awesome at weddings
  6. Isthmus DJs are fucking incredible

Again, more to come.  For now we’re chilling out in the San Fran area, and we’ll be up in Napa come the end of the week.  I think we’ll get the pics back within a few weeks and then I’ll put up a little somethin-somethin for y’all to look at.

Bachelor No More

The bachelor party has come and gone, and we’re now speeding northward to Michigan’s fabled upper peninsula. Big time thanks to all who traveled into Madison for a simple afternoon of grilled sausages, a beanbag toss championship, and an unrivaled night of gambling. Point of fact: Tim of psmgc.com fame and I won the damn thing and split the kitty of $120. In the weird time between bags and poker we took on all comers in cash games of bags and won even more money that (at least in my case) would be piddled away in a late-night basement craps game.

The food spread was the Ultimate: brat patties, hot & mild Italians, and some Hebrew Nationals. Mom’s delicious pasta salad and raccoon bars rounded out the buffet options. I really can’t rant and rave enough about D&G Meats out of Poynette, WI; their brats and Italians were just the best.

Late night gambling was, in a word, fun. I was the first goddamn one out of poker so I was unable to repeat wwhazz’s feat of winning his own tourney. After that we just gambled more and more, until the basement reeked of gambling and money.

If my calendar is correct, Cal is getting married to a French princess this week. Send him your best wishes through telepathic signals, and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to see him (and punch him) at our shindig in a few weeks.

And with that, I bid you adieu. Whazzmaster.com is closed until August 13th; leave your message at the beep.

What’s This I Hear?

Ok, so there’s a reason I’ve been MIA for awhile, and it sure ain’t cuz I was in the MIA.  We’ve got a big release coming out at work on July 7th and I’ve been frantic for awhile now (pretty much ever since I got back from California.)

But Cal has to go get engaged and make me break my radio silence. Lookit this guy *jerks thumb*: he got down on one bruised runner’s knee, doffed his floppy brown hat, and said, “will you be my Mrs. Cal?”  And can you believe it? She said yes!  I hear through the Intercontinental Grapevine that it will be le International Affaire (probably not in a cow pasture).  Congratulations on your engagement and your new clown car/death trap!  Now when I’m out in California we can go on romantic trips through the mountains in your SMART CAR.

Meanwhile, Scientist fucking blew my mind again and moved to, where?, Santa Monica? I was there once.  It was ok.  Maybe I’ll fly in and visit once Southwest Airlines starts going out of Milwaukee in the fall.  Summer is moving quickly this year, ladies and gentlefops; get out and enjoy it.